02/17/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Victoria's Secret Goes to the Gym


The purveyor of all things mildly naughty has tapped into people's inner voyeur by bringing to life all those fantasies sweated out in the stale confines of gyms everywhere. The concept is, admittedly, kind of awesome. This is the same company after all that walks their models trussed up in gigantic bows and hog-tied with jewels and manages to have an entire catalog dedicated to underwear in which the models wear very little of the actual product. Certainly they could add some interesting pieces to the dull(ish) world of workout wear.

So how does the new line stack up? First things first: I'm a workout-a-holic. I hit the gym every day, sometimes twice a day. (Yes, I have a good therapist and we're working on that problem.) The result of all those calories expended is that I am deeply and personally acquainted with every type, style and brand of workout clothing on the market. I own an embarrassing amount. (42 tank tops alone at last count.)

And as I have discovered, gym clothes must be a weird combination of functionality and fashion. I don't want to wear it if it's not cute and yet nothing beats the day I actually fell out of the bottom of a supercute yet badly fitted sports bra. Thankfully I had a tank top on over the top or I might have ended up on a different kind of website entirely.

As far as functionality goes, the Victoria's Secret line (which I have not tried), appears to be decent. At first glance -- once you get past the inanity of a sports-clad woman writhing orgasmically on a painful looking track -- the bras look supportive, the pants offer full coverage, and the single pair of shorts is long enough to run in without flashing inappropriate cheek. And yet... it's boring. Relentlessly boring. Slap a Champion label on these capri pants and you could sell them at Target for $19.98. Not that there is anything wrong with Target-issue duds -- being cheap and sweaty, I buy a lot of them -- but this is Victoria's Freaking Secret! They found a way to bedazzle a thong that could poke your eye out but they can't even make a top in a color other than Boring Basic?


Where are the metallics? The accents? The cutesy bows that make me look feminine even as I curl 20-lb dumbbells? Even Venus Williams's line for Steve and Barry's (may their cheap souls rest in peace) was more creative than this. And you could buy one of her tops for $4.99.

Now let me add that I do not go to the gym for a fashion show or to pick up men. I'm serious (and seriously sweaty) about my workouts. I just like to look cute while I'm doing it.

Listen up Victoria: the world has enough black padded sports bras. Just like we don't need you to give us white cotton briefs, we don't need you to give us a cami that only comes in the three basic colors (pink, blue and black) that we already own. By myself, I already have 4 pink camis and they didn't cost $38 a piece. The only way I'm buying what you're selling is if it is different. It says a lot about your creative genius that half the girls at the gym I go to wear something from your PINK collection at least once a week. I know you can do this. You are better than this:

PS Your form sucks. Nobody does ball dips like this.

Get back to me when you're not boring,