Keeping Kids Clean

"Mom, may I please print something?" asks R.J., my eight-year-old son, in his sweetest, most innocent voice.

I have my hand stuck up a bird feeling for giblets.

"Sure," I reply.

I hear the hum of the printer and yank the giblets out. A little while later, the chicken roasts in the oven and a kettle simmers on the stove. While "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen plays on the oldies station, R.J. walks into the kitchen, his eyebrows knitted intently as he cradles a sheaf of paper.

"I see a little silhouette of a man," I sing. "Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the..."

The kettle shrieks and I whisk it off the burner.

"Mom," says R.J., "you know that bad word -- the F word."

"Fandango!" I say, accidentally scalding myself with a few drops of hot water that miss the teapot.

"Not that one," he says, rolling his eyes, "the F word."

"Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening," I think as I run cold water over my hand.

"Well, it's an Anglo-Saxon word," he says. "There was even a man called John You-Know-What. Besides, it means mating!" He pauses for effect, waving the sheaf at me. "How can a word like that be bad?"

"Can Mommy see that?" I ask in a high voice laced with anxiety taking the paper, still smelling of ink, out of his hands.

My son has printed out about 20 Wikipedia pages on the definition of a swear word -- under parental supervision. My eyes scan the text, frantically at first and then with curiosity. Hmm, first occurrence in a 1475 poem about randy Cambridge friars; a place called Fuccerham from an Anglo-Saxon land deed; Norwegian word fokk meaning streaks of foam and spray at sea. This is like F through K 101. I suppress a wry smile.

"Mom, I haven't finished reading that," says R.J., snatching the bundle out of my hands and jerking me out of my thoughts. With a child's agility, he vaults out of my reach, guarding his National Treasure du jour. I give chase, plead, reason, threaten consequences and finally catch him, wrestling the wad of paper -- now smudged, shredded and crumpled -- out of his clutches.

"Let's have some tea before we talk," I say.

He nods, eyes welling up.

I have shielded R.J. from blasphemy since birth: covering his eyes when we pass French Connection boutiques (with their FCUK logo); switching channels when chef Gordon Ramsay -- as famous for his spicy speech as for his gourmet food -- cooks on BBC America; pointing out something on the opposite side of the street when we drive by inappropriate graffiti; removing from his reach reading materials that may contain offensive language.

Then again, I think, paraphrasing the Bard, "What's in a word?" We all learn swear words by adulthood, some of us even use them. But kids are not grownups. It is our responsibility to guide them -- say please, thank you; not bleep -- until they are old enough to make their own decisions.

My husband Ron shields our son less but helps him mature more. He set up my old computer in the family room for R.J., precisely so he could look things up in the open. Though the computer has parental controls, I worry R.J. will Google worse things when older -- or on a friend's computer with no controls. Forget "Let's talk after tea," I would need a stiff drink before I broach the propriety of, say, surfing for Fat Bottomed Girls! Still, Ron talks to R.J. about making good choices. R.J. never goes online without asking permission and rarely looks up things we do not approve of.

The truth is kids grow up: they hear things, read and see stuff. Those who are curious act on it. I am proud of my son's industrious initiative, research tactics and dogged determination to learn something he does not understand. Even something he knows might get him in trouble. I remember looking up swear words in a dictionary when I was a kid, but I never did R.J.'s level of research. We had no Google then. Once R.J. realizes I am not punishing him or cross, I share all this with him. I also talk about words, how their meanings and applications change, how some words are inappropriate for use in certain circumstances, how other words are simply grown-up words, best looked up and learned when older. That night, after our roast chicken dinner, Ron tucks R.J. into bed, whispers to him about trust and responsibility when operating a computer. All is well.

"I didn't want to alarm you last night," says Ron the next morning, "but I found the pages in the printer that R.J. hadn't removed. Merriam-Webster Online. With audio pronunciation tips."

*This story ran in the Washington Post on January 4, 2009

Follow Charlotte Safavi on Twitter: www.twitter.com/charlottesafavi

Comments

[Sharon Tanenhaus]

Charlotte, as usual, I enjoyed reading your story very much and I think most parents can relate to it. My "almost" 13-year old has been computer savvy for as long as I can remember. Also, he wants to know the answers to all of his questions, of which there are many. Sometimes he poses his questions to the computer and sometimes they're directed to me. When it came to "bad" words, the simple answer that these words are bad just because polite society says they are never satisfied him. The computer gave him dictionary definitions but I was left to explain the power we assign to these words. I finally came to the conclusion that it was best to tell my son that no words are actually bad - not the F-word, not the N-word - but it's what people do with them that makes them bad. He knows which words he may or may not use in public and he knows he needs to use the "good" or acceptable words with care, as well.

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Sharon,
Nice to hear from you. Sounds like you're on the right track with your son. I always appreciate specific feedback as it pertains to my readers' daily lives.
Best,
Charlotte

[Charlotte Safavi]

Thanks, Meghan. Great to hear from you as always.

[Meghan Allen]

What a beautifully written piece! RJ's precocious nature never ceases to amaze me. I love that your writing allows me to share in your family's life even across a great distance!

[Leon Scioscia]

To show you how far our children have come with their computer savvy...while I was re-reading this article, I received a phone call my son Alex, who is R.J.'s age. Alex is home right now, since it is summer break. His AuPair is with him. But, Alex is on the computer and is having a particular problem with a computer game that he is playing. So, he reads me the various error messages and goes about diagnosing the problem in a very logical and methodical manner. When he determines what he has to do and how he has to do it, he asks permission because it involves downloading a "patch." I ask him if his AuPair is there with him, which she is, and I tell him that I will hang on the line while the "patch" is being downloaded. Once it is downloaded and installed, his problem is solved and he goes back to his game of solving the mysteries of the universe.

They just keep pushing the envelope. And I feel a little less relevant.

[Charlotte Safavi]

Thanks for sharing your story, Leon. Last I knew, a patch was something you sewed over a hole in your jeans--go Alex!

[gbenest]

Charlotte - great stuff once again. It's hard to know how we can help negotiate our children through the pitfalls of our anything goes society.

[Charlotte Safavi]

Negotiation was a lot easier when I was an agent! Thanks for sharing...

[gotborked]

Nothing is sacred and everything is at hand. It's tough bringing up a kid or two in our culture where the only taboo is virtue.

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Tough but not impossible!

[JenEvansGardner]

So true, Charlotte -- in this day and age, it's so hard to protect our kids, esp with everything on the web. I will never forget the day my son (then 7) came home from a playdate and told me that the other little boy had been googling "inappropriate" things... I was mortified that the mother of his friend had left them alone with the computer for that long! Great article!

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your comment. One thing we forget is how Internet smart our kids are. To them, Googling is as easy as opening a book! Our computer with parental controls is in the family room but still you can't be a watchdog 24/7. Children just have to understand they have some responsibility in the matter...tough at 7, eh.

[girlwithgreeneyes]

As usual Charlotte Safavi hits the nail on the head. Let's not be prudes but do we really want to raise inappropriate boors. I do love her son's discovery of the extensive history of the f word. My own mother used the same approach. "F-ck is an powerful and ancient Anglo-Saxon word. If you use it too much it loses its power."

[Charlotte Safavi - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your comment, green-eyed girl. As it turns out, my son taught me a thing or two about the origins of the word. Your mother was well ahead in the Scrabble game!