Proof That American Teens Have Lost Their Minds!

Huh? What the? Kids take heroin and IM each other?

Whatever happened to logical deviant trends like phone sex? Why would anyone want to be messed up on heroin and then log into IM? And why coordinate from different townships to both shoot up at the exact same time and then instant message while high on narcotics? How "quick" can you really be on heroin?

WHY. IM. ON HEROIN. MUTUALLY. TEENAGERS? I'M ASKING YOU. HOW IS THIS A BIG TREND. I DON'T GET IT.

Here's how me and pal John Mulaney imagine a heroin-fueled IM session to go:

CP
Online msg: Tying off!
Whasssssssuuupp..

JM
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy

CP
Idle: 1h 10m

CP
CP is no longer idle

CP
Waaaaarrrmmmm

CP
Away msg: Refillng syringe with heroin

JM
Away msg: Same.

CP
Idle: 2h 19m

JM
Idle: 2h 19m

CP
CP is no longer idle

Direct Instant Message session started

CP

JM
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

CP
smokyysmokeyyyyyysmokeyyyysssmoookeyyyyyssssssssmooookeeeyyyy

JM
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

JM
Away msg: slapping vein.