Believe in Yourself! A Self-Care Strategy

Are you one of your biggest fans? Do you think you're capable and worthy? Would you pick yourself to be on your team? If you answered 'no' to any of the above questions, you could use an attitude change and a healthful infusion of personal esteem.

Self-esteem is described as confidence in one's own worth or abilities, and pertains to a personal appraisal of ourselves. Yet, unfortunately, we often make this evaluation based on cues we receive from society. In other words, we look to others to establish who we are, how we should behave, and how we're valued, even though this societal reflection won't be an accurate indicator of what we're made of.

Trying to measure up to a dominant mindset, antiquated cultural rules, or stigmatizing stereotypes that don't serve you well isn't the best plan. Using such subjective measuring devices may also explain why you don't always feel like a good fit. Bottom line, try not to rely totally on the outside world to validate you. A better option is to equalize the playing field by believing in, and validating yourself.

By the way, if you're concerned about spending too much time and effort on numero uno, try remembering that you can't be of great help to others if you don't care much about yourself. Believing in yourself doesn't mean you're conceited, overly self-centered, or narcissistic. It's simply part of an overall self-care strategy for wellness and contentment. It means that you recognize the true who of you - your core being, the special present of your presence -- in other words, your innate worth.

Belief in yourself isn't just a good thing to do; it's a survival skill. And giving yourself a pat on the back for being a sentient being with ability, heart, potential, and immeasurable possibilities, is directly related to your quality of life. You need to feel worthwhile. You need to believe that you can affect circumstances and situations in your life in order to have the confidence and courage you'll need to meet the many challenges you face.

But, okay, that said, how do you start believing in yourself when you're so used to being a non-believer? How do you begin to care about being you, if you've become habituated to feeling so hopeless, or helpless that you project the message that you don't care at all? The short answer is, by taking personal responsibility for doing so. Class dismissed.

Okay, so perhaps it's not that easy. And it would be truly disingenuous of me to trivialize the difficulties many people face -- and that is not my goal. Still, those who study happiness state that the only way to be truly happy, is to decide to be happy. It starts with you -- your own perceptions of you, your abilities, and your potential. Actually, nobody else can truly devalue you, but you. This power is entirely yours, and is manifested by an attitude you come up with in your own mind.

You can thank Victor Frankl, among others, for proving this. Dr. Frankl was a holocaust survivor who realized during his captivity in Auschwitz that the only thing his captors couldn't take from him was his mental life -- his spiritual life. He was able to find meaning even in the most painful of situations. Though this is perhaps an extreme example, you can try to follow his lead. Choose your thoughts -- change your attitude, and decide to believe in yourself. You'll soon attract a happier experience into your personal universe and feel energized with a sense of freedom and independence.

Belief in yourself may begin as a small light at the end of a tunnel -- a glow, a feeling of hoping, and then knowing. It's an awareness that though you can't change any of the facts of your life, you can change the way you think about those facts.

Once you have the attitude that you're worth the effort, you'll find it easier to start taking care of you. Eat responsibly, treat your mind and body to regular exercise and take time to enjoy nature, and breathe fresh air. Listen to soothing music, read interesting books, take warm baths, listen to the sounds of nature, and laugh belly laughs. Cuddle up with someone you care about, get and give plenty of hugs, compassion and empathy, and honor and treasure your family members. These are all important activities for wellness.

Remember that your body is a temple, and you are a treasure. You are unique, precious, and one-of-a-kind. Believe that you have a right to be here; that you are worth the effort of saving, educating, healing, playing with, working with, loving, and sharing a lifetime with.
Say the following words like a mantra. "I believe I am worth believing in." Say these words every day. You'll be amazed how the universe will contrive to make it so.

Comments

[aixpat]

Part One:

Quoting Cheryl:

"…You need to believe that you can affect circumstances and situations in your life in order to have the confidence and courage you'll need to meet the many challenges you face."

As a psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience working with women in the area of self esteem (and the wounds that eroded that self esteem in the first place), I strongly take issue with Cheryl's statement that one must "believe that you can affect circumstances and situations in your life in order to have the confidence and courage you'll need to meet the many challenges...".

It has been my experience, personally and professionally, that often times you must take actual risks, take action steps, even when you *lack* confidence and courage. You must take the first step *as if* you believed in yourself *before you do*!

Through a series of little successes, confidence begins to build and courage along with it. Self esteem develops when we actually experience success in the results of good decisions made for ourselves. It builds on itself once it achieves a bit of momentum but it starts with one little, often scary, (often unbelievable, as in "I-probabl­y-won't-be­-able-to-d­o-this-but­-I'm-going­-to-do-it-­anyway-to-­see-what-h­appens"), step. You can work on thoughts, which is a good thing, by all means, but action is necessary for confidence and courage to develop.

(continued)

[aixpat]

Part Two:

There are many women who would be served by a deeper truth: it is not always easy. We all have to face down demons and we all start with one step and build on that. Sometimes it's scary. Sometimes we have to do it feeling very unsure that we can do it at all. It only matters that we take the step. And then, at some point - whenever we can pull together the courage to do it again - we have to take the next step. And so it goes. It takes commitment and work - hard work. Not just clapping our hands and believing - like we did as children to bring Tinkerbell back to life.

And sometimes, as in Halsey's situation, when we have to face daily challenges that others could never fathom, we must cobble our courage and confidence out of all of the little decisions we make each day just to keep going. It only matters that at some point we begin to give ourselves credit for a first step...and then another...

I do agree with Saban that is about survival. And as self-acceptance develops, you will realize that it is worth every tough step ever taken.

[Blenvid]

Part 3: I believe that not only are our lives and our happiness determined by our own attitudes, but by many other factors including inter-personal relationships, which studies have shown are an important aspect to not only connecting with someone on many levels, but ultimately humanity. The way that our friends and family treat us can and does impact our well being, because they matter to us. When a loved one suffers, we do too! Sometimes, when we choose the best attitude for a given situation, it's perceived as something contrary to our intentions. Sometimes, people are caught in incredibly sad situations where their continued efforts to believe in themselves are overwhelmingly challenged by circumstances. Some people don't have the strength or experience to survive these situations and take their own lives. It's important to surround yourself with people who respect you and you respect them, but for children in dysfunctional families, sometimes you're SOL.

It's important to continually reinforce your self esteem through daily positive reinforcements, but let's not belittle the lives that people live and the circumstances with which they have to endure by ungraciously saying "happiness is just a choice." In effect, you're saying "if you were a better person you would be able to ignore the fact that your loved one has just died of cancer and will be happy anyway." It's ridiculous and uncalled for. The attitude you choose for an unhappy situation and happiness are not the same thing.

[Blenvid]

Part 2: Victor Frankl's book is a great example of choosing your attitude, but I feel you're misapplying what he was saying to fit your example. "You'll soon attract a happier experience into your personal universe and feel energized with a sense of freedom and independence." A happier experience? Do you think Frankl was "happy" when his friends and family were being murdered in concentration camps? The choice that he made, the ultimate choice, was that of defiance. He was ultimately saying, "you can take my physical life, but you can't take my spirit," and "you can survive any experience with a reason." I believe I can make the argument that he was not happy in the concentration camps; he was able to endure through faith, self discipline, love, and belief in a better tomorrow.

[Blenvid]

Part 1: This reads like about every other self help book I've read. Lots of, "this is what you should do," and "when you do this, you do this" generalizations, and "studies show" this and that examples.

"Still, those who study happiness state that the only way to be truly happy, is to decide to be happy." I strongly disagree. It denies the impact that other people have on our lives for one thing. Call me naive, but I don't think one can "decide to be happy" when a loved one has just died from cancer. I'd imagine that suggesting to a mother who's child's just been killed that she can "decide to be happy" would be both very inappropriate and ill received.

[SparkyAdams]

Believe in Yourself!?

How deeply original!

What's lined up for next week?

Love yourself?

[Halsey]

Cheryl,

You write wisdom and truly viable ways to change the way we see ourselves and the world..but , and here, I ask for an apology..as it just shows my "shallowness"... through no fault of your own..you have more money than God...it's just a fact so I don't mean to be anything but "jealous"...but..we may face similar "issues" of self worth, etc... but my gosh.when you are paycheck to paycheck...buried under mysterious medical bills (I just completed aggressive cancer treatment for an odd-ball cancer that they had to SLAM with all the big guns)...even WITH insurance I will be in debt for years... (and in fear of recurrance for about a year...obviously no guarantees, ever..but I'm told the first year post treatment IS the hairiest)... I often wonder...how would I view life..if every waking moment wasn't one of fear of being literally homeless
Sadly, I guess I do sit on my own pitypot too often... Cheryl..you cannot know the viseral fear I face every day...divorced, very middle class (no home..I'm a renter)...a 'boomer"... I was so strong and cocky...se­lf-assured­...

but now, life takes on a different hue.... I WANT to be that strong person again...but it is harder...with the wolf at the door (my god..I get collection calls from doctors!!..
thanks for listening...

[Thor Hauge]

I needed to read this. Thanks for the exercise in pointing out the invisible elephant.

[StaceyJoiner]

Cheryl,
I love your posting. I am also an advocate of self-care and a true believer in the value of taking care of ourselves - without the guilt or the need to spend exorbitant amounts of money. Like you, I am also an author. My recently released book, You Deserve The Royal Treatment, A Woman's Guide To Living Royally, supports women on their personal journey to self-care. It would be great if we could connect in the future.
Peace,
Stacey
www.staceyjoiner.com

[kendraro]

Your advice is good, but a lot of people who are "habituated to feeling hopeless" are that way because of poverty. Reread your second-to-last paragraph thinking about a impoverished person living in an inner city. I'm not trying to be perverse, but having endured poverty - less extreme than that found in inner cities - I am very aware of the toll it takes on your ability to care for yourself and to feel that you can make a difference in your life when you have no resources to work with.
Right now, we need to be aware that more people are going to be sliding into poverty and once you're there it can be very hard to get back out. We are going to need to find new ways to reach out. One of the best ways to make yourself feel better is to help someone else!