How Do Women Measure Self Worth?

Does someone else need to acknowledge your worth to make it real? Do you crave outside affirmation of your value? Did we get a disproportionate amount of so-called worth from the "powers that be" because we're females, or are we generally insecure by nature about this issue?

If we're basically insecure as a gender, we've been given reason to be. Imagine that you're a woman living in a country and society which denies you freedom of travel, forbids you to possess your own passport, complicates or denies your access to education and female-centric healthcare, restricts your participation in government, your ownership of property, your ability to obtain loans, to work outside the home, drive a car, or have custody of your children. Wow. Seems to me that this lack of freedom and autonomy could easily impact on your feelings of worth, could it not?

Or, consider the prickly issue of how crime investigations - particularly in rape cases - are handled. The recent outrage at the backlog of unprocessed rape kits is well deserved. How could this be allowed to happen? Rape kits can provide investigators with the evidence they need to find and prosecute rapists, but yet, for some inexplicable reason, many kits are languishing, unprocessed. Does this say something about how we are valued and respected?

Perhaps it's not that simple.

A woman's culture, our upbringing, our environment, our religion, social cues, and our own strongly held beliefs nuance a woman's status, and ultimately, our perspective. Societal and cultural indoctrination is strong, and we continue to use a reflection of societal boundaries to assess ourselves. When the dominant governing power holds stubbornly to stereotypes, cultural mores, and antiquated mindsets, there may not be much wiggle room for women to express their worth.

Despite the reflection we get from society, and even in spite of difficult, if not terrible life circumstances, our sense of self-worth is a personal journey. Though I'm a girl who grew up in the United States - a country where women have many rights, I doubted my self-worth and personal autonomy for the first thirty-odd years of my life. I faced some difficult things. I was raped when I was eighteen. I spent plenty of time in dysfunctional relationships, and ultimately had two failed marriages. I was, for a time, a single, working mother who couldn't afford health care. Trust me when I tell you, I felt powerless, humiliated, and essentially, worthless. I finally crawled off that slippery slope, but it was a difficult descent.

Power and control issues are complicated for all of us, but are particularly so for women. Women who find themselves in untenable situations because of spousal abuse, power imbalances, poverty, or other difficult issues may have the right to drive, the right to go to work, and in fact have all sorts of other rights, but may lack the confidence or resources to exercise them. Many women don't think they can control their lives, and consequently, may have convinced themselves they don't deserve better.

For example, thirty-one percent of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a boyfriend or husband at some point in their lives, yet only a fraction of those go to a shelter. Sadly, despite interventions, many of these women will eventually return to their attackers because they don't believe in themselves enough to strike out on their own - or, they don't have the support and social network to help them do so long term.

Like the realization of self- worth, the idea that one has free will - freedom to choose, freedom to escape an unhappy life, freedom to direct one's trajectory and the power to do so, may seem as fanciful and out of reach as the summit of Everest. Still, even such a climb begins with the first step, which is why this dialog is so important. Those of us who can think freely, speak in public forums, and reach across miles and mindsets, need to keep the wheels of change in motion, and reach out our hands, hearts, minds, and financial resources to help those who are struggling. Women need to be more equally represented in the rule-making consortium to make sure female-centric needs are addressed.

Regardless of cultural constraints and mores, when women take more personal responsibility for how we view, interpret, assess and express our worth, the groundswell of female opinion will eventually cause a tipping point in societal reform. And this newly articulated female narrative would ultimately affect the lives of women everywhere. Tough as it may seem, we need to realize our worth in order to actualize it.

The Dalai Lama said, "According to Buddhism, individuals are masters of their own destiny. And all living beings are believed to possess the nature of the Primordial Buddha, Samantabhadra -- the potential or seed of enlightenment, within them. So. Our future is in our own hands. What greater free will do we need?"

Indeed. Perhaps as young girls and women, we will be able to express that free well once more and more of us model that behavior. I'm signing up to do whatever I can. Will you?

Comments

[timezone]

Kudos to Ms. Saban for bringing the subject about self-worth up. I commend her for that. With that said, I saw Ms. Saban on Larry King Live and before I even heard what they were really speaking about, noticed this was a women who had obviously had plastic surgery, very noticeable plastic surgery (Ms. Saban is in late fifties). I found it ironic she was speaking about her book what is your self worth (good title), about women's self-esteem, feeling good about women feeling good about who they were, and yet, she seemed to be uncomfortable enough getting older, she felt she needed to go major plastic surgery. Kind of like anorexic models telling normal sized girls to embrace themselves and how they're all beautiful. Just thinks that sends wrong message to women and girls. Getting older bad and you want to hide it at any cost (what about women who CAN'T afford the surgery Ms. Saban did?). What happened to growing old gracefully? Embracing some flaws? Not having to look like Barbie? Isn't THAT what's TRUE self-esteem is? Knowing you're worthy as you ARE?

[RGMP]

I am particularily shocked to hear that women are still called 'witches' in parts of the world. That's so incredibly ignorant I don't know where to start. Who comes up with these ideas? More importantly, why do they actually believe them? FGC, oppression, rape, honor killings and gang rape as a punishment?It's disgusting. And it's not like the short lives that many women live are pleasurable, full of love or happiness. No, they are full of cruelty and hate and suffering and a complete lack of power over even THEIR bodies!

Polygamy? It's horrific! How could someone think they deserve to 'own' anyone, nevermind more than one person?! I can't stand thinking of the suffering that those women still go through. If you were a teenager, married and pregnant with some 40 year old, who ALREADY has 2, 3, 4 other wives, how would you feel? ON TOP of the VERY little that you have, you don't even have love. To him, you are just a prize, a young, beautiful token that he has complete control over. You are not a person, you are an object to him. It breaks my heart that women live their whole lives bearing children for men who don't really care whether they die or are suffering, but only care that they submit to him whenever he wants. It makes me so indescribably sick. It's absolutely horrific the way women are treated in many places.

[RGMP]

It is very true that women need to stick up for themselves, especially in the societies where we have full rights. This is necessary because we (the western world) have always been the radical leaders, modifying social views and status, and therefore we can impact the rest of the world. It is my strong hope that eventually, most of the world will have equal rights. This probably won't be in my lifetime, but I hope it is in my kid's lives. In less than 200 years, women have gone from nothing, no rights, to practically complete equality in some countries. I thin kthat is remarkable, and if this trend keeps up, eventually almost every country (yes, including the middle east and africa) will accept at least moderate female rights and status. I really believe that this is possible, but we must be the examples, and as usual, the leaders.

[politicsmatter]

Many women have a tendency to over-think everything. If the obvious answer is to walk away from a bad situation; they start to make excuses for the wrong-doer and stay put. There are women who are also to blame for the low self-esteem that other women possess; remember the mean girls in school, the cliques that you weren't cool enough to be part of, etc. The value system that has been adopted by many women is based on nothing but superficial issues, weight, hair, facial features and the physical attributes of their mate. The most beautiful of women have been cheated on, the most intelligent of women have allowed themselves to be verbally and physically abused and the kindest women have been ostracized by their peers. I think that many women need to band together to further the movement that started many years ago by the bra burners of the sixties; we must stop tearing each other down to elevate our own low self-esteem issues. As a woman I do not deal with any woman that doesn't assert herself or take good advice; my female friends are few because I do not believe in telling women what they want to hear. Basically we should all remember that the dress doesn't make us look fat...our fat makes us look fat!!!

[valkyrie607]

Indeed. Even though I'm back in school after several years' break, and about to graduate, I still find that in my off moments, when I'm not paying attention, I obsess more about getting to the gym so I can look good for the graduation than I do about getting my research project finished so I can actually have the credits I need to graduate.

It's messed up. When did my brain learn this sh*t?

[SharonMcEachern]

We all get our self-worth from others and we model their behavior. Much of this is subconscious and we don't recognize it because it is hidden from our conscious minds. For instance. if you were told that even today boys and men are valued more than girls and women, that their very lives are worth more would you belive it? What if research showed that if both a little boy and a little girl needed a new kidney in order to live, the boy would get on the kidney transplant list first --merely because of gender? Sorry, it's true! The same applies to old men versus old women. Due to gender bias, fewer females get on the waiting list for a new kidney. It's really LIFE-AND-DEATH SEXISM! Ethic Soup has a good article on the research for this at:

http://www.ethicsoup.com/2009/04/life-death-sexism-fewer-girls-women-on-kidney-transplant-list.html

Apparently the referring physician (mostly nephrologists), who must put a person's name up for inclusion on the transplant waiting list for a kidney, think of women as more frail than men and less likely to have a successful transplant. In reality, women do just as good and sometimes better than men when receiving a kidney transplant. For God's sake, let's do something about this! Are women's lives really not as worthy to save as men's lives?

[moonchild71]

Thanks Cheryl for posting this article. I too have had my share of dysfunctional relationships, was raped in my teens, and come from an abusive family. I'm in my 30's and struggle with my self worth and confidence. It's been quite challenging... but this article and many of the comments are encouraging and enlightening. Thank you!

[Glamorosa]

My self worth began in my mothers womb, as I grew older she told me that when she found out she was having twins, she wanted to commit suicide, as she already had a one year old boy and did not know how she would cope. Growing up with a mother who was so self obsessed, and being a highly sensitive child I ate to compensate my feelings of lack that had come from my mother and actually were not mine. It took me a very long time to clear the feelings of unworthyness from my being. With many years of self development courses, and spiritual practises I am now seeing my true worth.

It was a long journey, till I saw the light.

[applecider10]

As a 19 year old girl, I can safely say most of the comments and the sentiments in the article are pretty foreign to me, and would be to my friends. I went to a small, tight-knit high school in NYC, one of the most diverse--in every way imaginable--in the city, and where all the kids respected each other and were passionate about their interests and abilities. I think the rhetoric of "women think they are unattractive because they feel bad about THEMSELVES" is of very little worth to girls my age. We all are happy with ourselves as people; I know girls aspiring to be animal behavoralists, photojournalists, writers, artists, marine biologists, diplomats, architects, environmental lawyers, etc etc, and we wouldn't trade ourselves for the world. Yes, a lot of us feel bad about our appearance, from time to time, but that's not a reflection of our ultimate feelings of self-worth; we are too interested in being ourselves to self destruct from the occasional bout of low self esteem. I wish there was a more useful discourse for women my age to talk about our self image--not self conception, esteem, or worth--than the standard reflected in the article.

[traveling1]

Applecider10 - I have a daughter a few years older than you and about to graduate college. I know she and her friends feel like you and are all smart young women, confident in their ability to get a job and deal with anything! And I think they can as well.

However, obsession with looks and shape is still very apparent in our society. Look at that Miss California and her fake breasts or some recent headlines I've seen about Kirstie Alley or others gaining/losing weight. Look at the absurd articles we see about Michelle Obama and her arms and clothes. Why does any of that matter??

I wish you and your generation didn't have to deal with sexism, but you will. You'll get in the work place and come face to face with gender inequities in pay and how your opinions are listened to, how you are spoken to, how people see you. Just don't let it affect how you feel about yourself, how you deal with others.

[TFeral]

Thank you Traveling1. Most teenage girls DO think they have it all figured out. The safe and closed small town sounds lovely, but I would bet big bucks that she is not aware of the abuse that is going on right under her nose. Someone she knows has probably been raped and/or otherwise sexually abused, someone else is being trained to believe that being obsequious and compliant is "confidence" or "taking control of their sexuality". There will be fall-out, but Applecider10 just is too young to be aware.
I pray for the day when little girls like my nieces don't have to be warned about the lies they will hear about their self-worth being contained in their boobs or butt. They will hopefully grown up to be a whole person, not the objectified bits of body that are celebrated as "womanhood".
Further, on a personal note - I wish guys would stop watching porn - geez, it has really made them boring lovers. I know they think they are learning great moves... but d'uh. Remember, that is made FOR men, and even when compliant women claim they are "sex positive", it is really pretty lame, and they never look or find the real joy of awesome, sex. (If you have to study it, you're doing it wrong.)

[vim876]

I wonder if you would have the same viewpoint if you were genuinely unattractive (as opposed to "I think I'm a pound overweight this week" unattractive, which everyone FEELS sometimes). If people responded to you negatively in nearly every context, every day of your life, I have a feeling you might look upon this subject somewhat differently.

[randomscreenname00]

I think you need to step back and think and reflect upon this a bit more. You seem to feel that the people who have responded to you negatively control how you feel about yourself. As much as you don't want to hear this, you ultimately decide how you feel about yourself. She is saying we do have control over our own minds, and I'm sorry you think that you don't.

Also, your post seems to imply that you feel that being raped is somehow less a negative experience than people calling you fat and ugly, that being raped has less of an emotional impact, and that you honestly think her being attractive would make her argument any less valid. This is completely ridiculous.

[Badbone]

I think vim makes a valid point. While we are respsonsible for how we feel, we can't help but be shaped by society. If the author were indeed ugly, she may find ti not so easy to shut out what society is (constantly) telling her.

[brooklyncitizen]

The world will make you pay a price for having a strong sense of self, unless you are also "eye candy". Women are in fact freer to be themselves than to simply play roles. It's unfortunate to see when women don't grow into this and settle for the relational identities "wife" "mother" "daughter" etc.The other unfortunate thing is that we don't support each other in a professional workplace.

[smallbirdie]

unfortunately, even if one is seen as "eye-candy", it doesn't make it any better.it's sometimes worse. your last sentence is great;some­times,wome­n are their own worst enemy.And how many buddhists female monks are there?if they are any, I would love to know.

[CJ337]

I'm in training to be one!

[applecider10]

How many Buddhist nuns are there? Thousands!

[The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker]

We are judged in society by our usefulness to men, and in relation to them. Once a woman is no longer useful to men, whether as eye candy, breeders, office support or cheap housekeepers, we become non entities.

Consequently, this is how most of us measure our "worth:" By our usefulness to men. Until we stop giving a crap . . . Let me rephrase that. Until we can AFFORD to no longer give a crap we will never be free.

(PS: Though important, women's liberation is not about equality under the law. It's about no longer being defined solely in relation to men and their wants/need­s/desires/­demands)

[brooklyncitizen]

this is an unfortunate view. I understand it but I don't agree women in general feel that way.

[peteRed]

What is needed is that women begin self-defining their role, meaning not letting the men do it for them.

well, I'm not sure if this is possible under capitalism. capitalism needs women to stay home and freely take care of the husband-worker and the children-f­uture-work­ers. If not who are they going to exploit for profits??!

[vim876]

@ The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker :
I don't know...I might take that extra 23 cents on the dollar. They can't define me if I own their a$$e$.

[The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker]

Oh hal yeah! It's important, but not enough to allow for LIBERATION, the freedom to NOT be defined in relation to men, or by or on their terms. Would the American slaves have been satisfied with "equality under the law" with white folks so long as they stayed on plantation? So long as their reason for existence was to remain the plantation owner's "helpmeets?" Bollocks.

I don't think this odyssey is about "feeling good about ourselves as women." It's about escaping those expectations and demands and circumstances which make us feel like adjuncts to men. Money's just a part of it. A BIG part.

[CJ337]

"We are judged in society by our usefulness to men"

So are men!

[Patricia84]

We don't. We're either worthless or priceless. Nothing more nothing less.

[sjones66]

Loved your article and I was so glad to see someone talking about this issue. I do want to point out one thing, though; Women who are being abused often feel as if they can't leave because they have been trained to be terrified of leaving. Abusers often threaten the woman and her family. Leaving an abusive person is the most dangerous time for a woman -- in fact, the most lethal time for her. And it doesn't end the day she leaves-- her life and the lives of those around her are in danger for quite a while. Most women who have tried to leave once give up after being hurt worse, realizing the police can't or won't help them, realizing that their family and friends are being threatened, etc.

the fact that we, as a culture, tolerate this says a lot about how we value women and the messages we send women about their place in our culture.

I hope you write a lot more about this!

[jeanneyogini]

Realizing self worth begins with Self realization. As a meditation teacher, I see women gain a steady sense of self worth as they turn within and get to know the deepest level of their own being, which is eternal, silent and blissful. When ever I have feel a slight tinge of insecurity or worry about what others are thinking of me, I know its time to meditate and get beyond the surface.

With practice, meditation helps develop higher consciousness and identification with more of the inner glory of the Self instead of the changing circumstances of life, the ups and downs of karma and opinions of others.

Even women with status and wealth can have a poor self image if they look to the outside to evaluate them selves. We have to be anchored in the non-changing essence of our being to feel confident in who we really are.

"The world is as you are", a great sage once said. Self worth begins with in.