Pardon Me

I was raped when I was 18. It was an event in my life that continues to mark the passage of time for me; time that is divided into two sections - before the rape, and after. It was the summer of 69 - I had just graduated from High School and was anticipating entering college in the fall. Against my parents' wishes, I had rented a small beach apartment for a month during the summer - wanting so badly to be independent and grown up - wanting so much for my adult life to begin. Little did I know. I had saved the money for the rent myself, having worked after school since I was thirteen. Lots of kids were doing the same, and though my parents didn't like the idea, they let their little bird fly.

The coastal communities where I grew up, which are normally family-oriented places, took on another dimension during the summer of 1969. They expanded with all manner of visiting citizens, musicians, bikers, hippies, college students -- some of them wonderful, some of them transient and quite unsavory. But go tell an 18 year-old girl who thinks she has the world on a string to be fearful, to stay close to home, to avoid provocative strangers. Talk about innocence lost. And I'm not talking about virginity. What I lost because of the rape was much more precious than virginity; I lost myself. And that person went missing for a long, long time.

I found her, thank God, and I am strong and personally empowered now. I've reclaimed myself, and moved on. But moving on isn't easy for many rape and sexual assault victims. Moving from the wounds of victim to the strength of survivor can be a difficult, long haul. There are lingering thoughts, doubts, and humiliations. I was humiliated into silence -- I protected myself by hiding.

Whenever I see a film with a rape scene in it, I feel myself retreat -- in fear of my memories. When I read an article about rape, my heart pounds -- I can recreate my own horror story in a heartbeat. Not so long ago, it was reported that a woman in Saudi Arabia was pardoned by the King - her crime? She had been gang-raped. Her punishment? Six months in prison and 200 lashes. PARDON ME? I got the sweats when I read that article. The idiodic mindset of blaming women for being raped persists. I experienced a version of it myself.

Though I didn't face imprisonment, and since I live in the United States, I wasn't subjected to the prospect of dying at the hands of a man wielding a whip to punish me because I had been raped, I did endure a you got what you deserved attitude from the police. I was a single young girl living alone during summer break, and in the minds of the conservative police officers and detectives who interrogated me, I should have been home with my parents. Their condescending attitude left a lasting impression. It took years for me to shake off the 'guilt' of being raped.

But I don't feel guilty anymore. I'm also no longer naive. April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. As a survivor of sexual assault, I reiterate the message, BE AWARE. Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence, control, and power, and are committed against women, men, girls, boys -- even babies.

Follow Cheryl Saban on Twitter: www.twitter.com/csaban

Comments

[Pandu]

When I was in college I had one live-in girlfriend for about a year. One night she got me to share a bottle of wine with her, though I’d never been drunk before. While I was lying on my bed with my head spinning, she invited another guy into the room (apparently had the whole thing set up in advance), trying to get me in on a threesome. I find homosexuality repulsive, and I somehow managed to ask them to leave me alone.

I was fortunate to not get raped in that situation, but it couldn’t have happened if I had not gotten drunk. Clearly it wouldn't have been all my fault -- of course the perpetrators would deserve most of the blame; but by making myself helpless under the influence of alcohol, I almost lost the ability to even say "no." There is no way I could’ve defended myself if they tried to involve me. Intoxication can do that.

Or instead, what if I had "lost my inhibitions" under the influence of the alcohol, participated in something I would later regret, and then accused them of rape? Apparently that happens sometime. I don’t know if the fact that she got me drunk to engage in unwanted sexual activity would’ve made it legally rape. An "OK" under the influence can easily turn to a "No" in one's memory the next day. Better not to get into such situations.

[klmebane]

if a person gets another drunk with the intention of taking sexual advantage of them, but the instigator themself is not drunk, then yes, it constitutes rape because being intoxicated negates the ability to consent.

[Pandu]

Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Gosvami once famously remarked that "This world is no place for a gentleman," and indeed there are very few gentlemen to be found. The world can be very cruel, and often is. If it's no place for a gentleman, what to speek of an unprotected young lady?

"...in the minds of the conservative police officers and detectives who interrogated me, I should have been home with my parents."

You seem to disagree, but how can you say they were wrong? Of course, hearing it must have felt like drinking poison. Still, better to drink something that tastes like poison (the police lecture) but is actually wholesome than to have what tastes like nectar but brings misery.

[Idytme]

You sound so smug in your judgments. Maybe you should do some volunteer work at a rape prevention center, you will hear stories of teenage girls raped by boys in cars. Girls left with bruises and hurt, who were scared out of their wits that they were going to be greatly harmed. When you hear their stories you know that this wasn't anywhere near the myth of a girl saying no "while her body said yes" as some here have tried to insinuate. It is amazing the fantasies that people come up with to defend their own supposed virtues (for if you have them, you will not be raped?) to justify why/how they must be better than the woman who were raped. For if they did nothing wrong at all, could it happen to you too?
Have you ever let a man come inside after a date so he could (supposedly) use your bathroom? Drive a co-worker home from work? Went to a friends house who had older brothers having a party? Lived alone? Worked in an occupation where you have to go door to door, like the postal service or delivery driving? Walked to your car alone in the dark?
All these and more are how women I have counseled have been attacked. In other words, they were just living their lives like all normal women do.

[Pandu]

My advice is simply to follow the Vedic standard that women should remain under the protection of a safe man, ideally her own father, husband, or grown sons. If she runs away from protection into the cruel world for some illusory independence, there is a risk of substantial harm. I'm not a rapist, not your enemy, but a safe man giving the same advice that has helped women since before history.

Are you saying women inviting men into private, secluded places is a good idea? If so, then I don't think you should be a rape counselor.

[bronceye]

I'm a guy who has never been raped or raped anyone but I feel empathy. Sometimes, I wake up in a cold sweat with the shocking remembrance of some of the women with whom I shared consensual sex. Yes, it ruins the better part of a week, sometimes. Shudder, shudder.

[NoSillyName]

Wonder why my reply to someone's comment showed up almost immediately, but my original post which was written maybe a half hour or more earlier still isn't showing. Guess I'll never understand how the comments are moderated and there's no way to find out.

[NoSillyName]

Saban, we must be the same age. "The Class of '69 is Fine!"

Sorry about your story. You say you've moved on, but it doesn't sound like it. You hear a story about rape and your heart pounds? You see a rape scene on film and you retreat in fear of your memories? I hope someday you won't have these reactions.

I, too, was raped. I was a 16 year old virgin. I didn't tell anyone, especially my mother because I felt I'd be blamed. Damn lucky I didn't get pregnant. There was no awareness or counseling back then.There wasn't a term for "date rape". It affected me for a long time, but I worked through it alone. Brought it up for the first time decades later when talking to a doctor about something entirely different.

I've seen polls showing that a huge proportion of females are either brutally raped or "simply" forced to acquiesce. Once you've been raped, chances are you'll be raped again and/or become "promiscuous" because you've been traumatized and victimized or come to expect that sex is all that men want. Its mostly kept secret, just a dirty little fact of female life. Women are still made to feel guilty, as if they asked for it or deserved it. Sure we're not physically whipped or imprisoned, but the scars are still there. We all deal with it in our own ways and hopefully become stronger for it, not simply jaded or fearful.

[TwoCentsWorth]

Thank you, Cheryl -- A heartbreaking story but also uplifting in the sense that you have great strength and overcame the trauma.

In your last sentence, "Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence, control, and power, and are committed against women, men, girls, boys -- even babies.", it occurs to me that the only way these crimes of violence will be ended is when "good men" -- they are the voice of power in our society -- demand that these crimes end.

[LeslieS]

Thank You Cheryl for bringing this matter to the attention of the public at such a crucial time.
Sexual assault against anyone is awful. I recently read an article in the L.A. Times that stated
sexual assaults have become extremely common in the U.S military. 41% of women currently
serving have been sexually assaulted. That is outrageous and has been kept very hush-hush.
The only person who has been vocal about this problem is Congresswoman Jane Harmon.
Where is everyone else ? Can't something be done about this ?

[Stevelagain]

Congratulations, first, on surviving.

Rape often drives children to severe mental problems after they start passing puberty and they often DON'T maintain their sanity. I'm referring to split personality disorders and so forth. It's very sad to see. I suspect your talking about it is one think that HELPS you to properly cope.

I'm glad to hear you speak out against abuse of Muslim women. My special concern has been that in Europe such abuse is starting to be tolerated with the advent of the acceptance of the wave of Muslim illegal immigration and the acceptance of the idea of a separate legal system for Intolerant Muslims.

We are hearing from time to time how police will now stand by and 'not see' a Muslim woman being abused in public because we have to "understand" they are different than us., They aren't. We should not buy into this misguided effort at tolerance that says it's ok for Muslim women to be abused in western nations if it's done by her family. Our tolerance SHOULD NOT extend to a SEPARATE LEGAL SYSTEM. Remember "separate but equal as a way of continuing abuse of blacks in the US. It's the same thing with sharia law and it's wrong. The only protection a Muslim woman has is if the laws of western nations they migrate to, apply to them as well.

Rape is wrong no matter who is being rapped and abused.

[mg51703]

As a rape survivor myself, I commend all rape survivors coming forward with their story. Last month I came forward and had my story in the local newspaper. Even though it was over 20 years ago when it happened to me it still was not easy going through it again, but I needed to let other victims know that they are not alone and their are lot different type of services out there and not to remain silent and they do not have to go through the emotional process alone. My biggest goal with agreeing to do the article was to end the silence. Make society aware that it does happen more then they want to believe and it is all about empowering not about the sexual act itself. The victim is not to blame no matter what she/he was doing or wearing. The perpetrators need to be held accountable for their actions and not just a slap on the wrist. We as victims (rape survivors) live with the personal loss we experienced at the time of attack and that will never go away nor can it ever be given back to us.
I wish you the best and remember that as long as we don't give up and keep getting the word out there about rape “We Can and Will Make a Difference”

[muslimarabdude]

i pray God helps you to be able to continue the healing and am sorry that you have had to endure such suffering and the assault on your very being -- on another note the "ruling" in saudi punishing the multiple rape victim is completely in opposition to ALL the ethical principles that exist in islam -- in fact much of the muslim world's frustration is precisely because the saudi monarchy (kept propped up by and supported by the US gov! btw) and religious establishment there, if anything, is completely antithetical to the spiritual teachings and the religious judicial rules that are to be derived from the scripture -- the fact that un-islamic behavior or actions exists by saudis or any other muslims has as much significance as christians who do not follow their faith (both bushes inflicting death on iraqis, abu gharib tortures/ rapes, or the nuking and incineration of 100000+ japanese in ww2) or jews who do not follow their faith (israeli jews killing muslim and christian palestinians) or whatever group's actions/ behavior being contrary to the peaceful teachings of their respective faiths ---- the point is that evil exists whenever human beings disconnect themselves from their human consciousness which is something we ALL have and we ALL must never allow ourselves to lapse from --- God sped

[mamacat]

The most intolerant and repressive Muslim country in the world? Saudi Arabia.
The country Bush/Cheney/McCain are whipping up a war frenzy for? Iran.

[Mort]

Excellent article, Cheryl! It encourages others to discuss what they usually keep locked away, and that can bring healing. It also helps bring a better awareness to all of us of the damage we do by tolerating the behavior of offenders.

As the father of a victim, I know how devastating both the initial act and the secondary violations by the system are. We treat the innocents far worse than we do the criminals. They're abused over and over again by investigators, attorneys, by most of the people involved in the process. And the support they should receive is either lacking or non-existent. It's no wonder most refuse to discuss it, much less seek justice. On the other hand, we lavish the offenders with rights they don't deserve. We feel compelled to protect them, pay for them, reduce their punishment, support them and try to understand them in an attempt to prove our own "humanity." And in doing so, we prove that we're no better than they are.

God bless you, Cheryl, for rising above your pain and reaching out to others. May we all stand a little taller for those who need our love, support and protection. And insist on better treatment for them, and harsher punishment for those who prey on them.

[Democrab]

I do believe that most men do not consider rape to be the terrible thing that it is. My daughter was molested, not raped, but that was more than enough to arouse a rage in me I didn't realize existed.
So when I hear the "She deserved it" attitudes of many men I don't think they can begin to understand what a heinous crime rape truly is. I'm so sorry that you or any other woman ever has to experience this most flagitious act of human brutality.

[jhamm1]

Thanks for the article. The pivotal moment in my life arrived in winter of 1977, at which point I was only three years old and thus can only recall bits and fragments of what life was like prior to losing an innocence which I can barely remember.

While attending a private high school in which the entire student population rarely exceeded 160 people, three of our fellow female students suffered date rape on account of a single perpetrator. While the few who initially knew about these attacks promised their silence to the victims, scuttlebutt materialized and proceeded to travel faster than light, at which point everyone knew both the identity of the perpetrator and all three victims. However, our secrecy managed to conceal the story from parental guardians and by the time of my graduation, not only had none of the victims failed to come forward but, last I heard, neither the parents nor family members of the victims in question ever learned of these attacks. Meanwhile, the perpetrator seemed undeterred by various methods of intimidation which our fellow students attempted to utilize. Indeed, he had been verbally threatened and beaten up en masse on multiple occaions, yet even this failed to deter his activities. Some of my friends eventually filed police reports, but, in preserving the confidentiality of the victims, nothing ever materialized.

[hooz66]

In 1960 I was stationed at the US Naval Station in Newport RI (age 18) when I was raped by a Marine. After reporting it to authorities, they grilled me for 2 days, treated me like crap and eventually admitted me into the hospital. I never received counseling. I was told that the penalty for rape in RI was death and "do you want this boy to die?" during their 3rd degree they asked if i was a virgin before the assault. I told them I lost it to my childhood sweetheart and they said, "well, what's the big deal? you were already damaged." I ended up getting an honorable medical discharge and going home to my mother. I felt like i was losing my mind, thought i was the only girl to have this happen and it was my fault.

fast forward 30 years to the VA Med Center where i met a social worker who said I was suffering from post traumatic stress syndrom (PTSD) from MST (military sexual trauma). apparently it happens to so many females that they NAMED IT! I have participated in group therapy with others with similar experiences and we are very angry that this type of abuse continues. we believe education and prevention should be addressed. a woman in my group was raped by a chaplain.

If you suffer from PTSD or MST I encourage you to apeak to a VA rep or service officer from the American Legion, DAV, etc.

[jubo]

My deepest sympathies. There is a monster within many males.

[Geovan]

All humans are susceptible of letting evil control moments of their lives.

[maribelle1963]

While women can perpetrate abuse and even sexual assault upon other women, the monster of "rape" resides within men alone, biologically if for no other reason.

This kind of PC parsing--men are vicims, too!-- masks the fact that 90% of the violent crimes are committed by men. You can't even start to solve a problem without understanding it's conditions, starting by knowing who the perpetrators are.

[mamacat]

I have known two women who were raped. One seemed to live through it OK. She had a wonderful, very close family, who loved and supported her. The other seemed to suffer terribly for years afterward. I never did see her recover. We lost touch, and while I hope she found solace, I fear the worst.

I wish that everyone considering violence against another could realise the pain they are causing the other person. I know, simple minded analysis, but I really don't know what else to say. The idea of using unprovoked violence against another is inconceivable.

[scornflakes]

I wish I had your strength, Ms. Saban.

[Uselessboy]

I don't get the point about the insistence that rape is "about" power. Violence, power and control are used in this world to obtain things that aggressors want. The violence is used because the victim or victim population DON'T MATTER to the aggressor.

I don't see why it's necessary to insist that rapists aren't seeking sex. Unless the term "sex" feels too consensual.

In that case, OK, call it orgasm.

I lived near a battered women's shelter, and I've had a number of women friends tell me of being raped or injuriously imposed upon by SO's or family members, and I've seen the dimensions of injury it causes. So I have no intent here to question severity.

It occurs to me that being attacked for purposes of control almost confers a degree of importance on the victim, whereas being brutalized for a brief gain because the victim just didn't matter to the attacker could be an even more devastating experience.

[NoSillyName]

(NotSo)Useless, thanks for your input. I happen to agree with you, in part.

I believe it is about SEX and the POWER to force someone to provide it. Most rapes are committed by someone the rapee (don't want to say "victim", but then what?) knows. Most forced sex acts are of the "date rape" variety and that is usually the case of someone getting overly excited and being told "no". Most men are stronger than most women and so they can force the issue.

Much more rare is the Stranger Jumping Out From Behind The Bushes scenario, but again, IMO that is a case of someone wanting sex and wanting it now so that when the first vulnerable person comes along, they're it. If a man is not excited, he cannot penetrate. What causes the excitement may be the problem. If overpowering a vulnerable stranger is the trigger, then power may be the overriding factor and not sex, but it is still played out sexually.

Very weird stuff, no?

[Idytme]

"If overpowering a vulnerable stranger is the trigger, then power may be the overriding factor and not sex, but it is still played out sexually."

Bingo.
Now apply this to all situations of rape, including date rape and stranger rape.
The man who jumps out of the bushes is only going to choose the person who he thinks he can overpower, it is not a sexual impulse that happens to the next person he sees. Men who date rape usually have perpetrated the crime several times. Date rape is not a crime done by a lot of men to a lot of women, it is done by a few men on a lot of women. Understand that it is not the urge for sex, but an urge to rape - to have power and induce fear using sex.
People who have not been raped to do understand that it is all about power. And people who have been raped cannot explain how the fear is, for many, the worst part of the rape. (many men lose their erections during the course of raping women, and have to hurt them more to get another one, it is the sadism, not normal sexual urges that drive them).
On a spiritual/psychic level, the second chakra, sexual creation energy is used for power and fear, it violates your spirit far more than other power imbalances ( ie. mugging).