Pardon Me
I was raped when I was 18. It was an event in my life that continues to mark the passage of time for me; time that is divided into two sections - before the rape, and after. It was the summer of 69 - I had just graduated from High School and was anticipating entering college in the fall. Against my parents' wishes, I had rented a small beach apartment for a month during the summer - wanting so badly to be independent and grown up - wanting so much for my adult life to begin. Little did I know. I had saved the money for the rent myself, having worked after school since I was thirteen. Lots of kids were doing the same, and though my parents didn't like the idea, they let their little bird fly.
The coastal communities where I grew up, which are normally family-oriented places, took on another dimension during the summer of 1969. They expanded with all manner of visiting citizens, musicians, bikers, hippies, college students -- some of them wonderful, some of them transient and quite unsavory. But go tell an 18 year-old girl who thinks she has the world on a string to be fearful, to stay close to home, to avoid provocative strangers. Talk about innocence lost. And I'm not talking about virginity. What I lost because of the rape was much more precious than virginity; I lost myself. And that person went missing for a long, long time.
I found her, thank God, and I am strong and personally empowered now. I've reclaimed myself, and moved on. But moving on isn't easy for many rape and sexual assault victims. Moving from the wounds of victim to the strength of survivor can be a difficult, long haul. There are lingering thoughts, doubts, and humiliations. I was humiliated into silence -- I protected myself by hiding.
Whenever I see a film with a rape scene in it, I feel myself retreat -- in fear of my memories. When I read an article about rape, my heart pounds -- I can recreate my own horror story in a heartbeat. Not so long ago, it was reported that a woman in Saudi Arabia was pardoned by the King - her crime? She had been gang-raped. Her punishment? Six months in prison and 200 lashes. PARDON ME? I got the sweats when I read that article. The idiodic mindset of blaming women for being raped persists. I experienced a version of it myself.
Though I didn't face imprisonment, and since I live in the United States, I wasn't subjected to the prospect of dying at the hands of a man wielding a whip to punish me because I had been raped, I did endure a you got what you deserved attitude from the police. I was a single young girl living alone during summer break, and in the minds of the conservative police officers and detectives who interrogated me, I should have been home with my parents. Their condescending attitude left a lasting impression. It took years for me to shake off the 'guilt' of being raped.
But I don't feel guilty anymore. I'm also no longer naive. April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. As a survivor of sexual assault, I reiterate the message, BE AWARE. Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence, control, and power, and are committed against women, men, girls, boys -- even babies.
Follow Cheryl Saban on Twitter: www.twitter.com/csaban
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Cheryl, thank you for this. More than I can say.
Thanks for turning out something positive from a terrible event.
Thank you for sharing this personal story. You are strong and inspiring.
As a victim of rape myself, I thank you for writing such a wonderful article. I am and have been a counselor for violent crimes and rape is the main thing that we discuss. It is my belief and has worked for me while counseling, that to relive the event is to continue the cycle of victomization. As long as one feels to be the victom, they will continue to be just that, thus empowering the rapist. I have chosen to no longer be a victom but to be an advicate for anyone who does.
Rape is a very serious asault not only on the body, but the mind. One can be violated at the age of 13 and still feel the weight of the crime for many years. There is noone and I mean noone that deserves to have that kind of weight on their sholders, no matter what age.
It comes down to if one can forgive themselves for something in which they had no control. Empower yourself to no longer be a victim and you will no longer be one. Until we can get the judical system to understan that there is nothing anyone can say or do to bring about this violation, will any changes be made. I would never wish rape or any type of violation upon anyone, but until someone in power that has been through the same situation gets into power, I don't expect any changes...doubly if they are pro-life.
I spent summers 1969 to 1973 at Atlantic City, North WIldwood, and WIldwood, New Jersey. I was 18 in summer '69. I had spent a year away at college and wasn't about to spend the summer in the confines of my former home so I took to the beach and had the time of my life. I'm happy I never witnessed or heard about violence against females during that period but I'm realistic enough to understand that such things probably occurred often enough. The thought of forcing myself on a girl was so alien to my thinking I received quite a lot of teasing from the guys because I always accepted a no however slight as no (as opposed to "no really meaning yes"). Perhaps I disappointed a few girls but better that then the alternative. I am very sorry for your experience but I would point out that such a thing could just as easily have happened had you elected to stay home. Rapes, muggings, and murders can occur anywhere so I can't recommend that a young man or women remain at home out of fear for personal safety: We can lock ourselves in our homes and die when a plane cashes into our livingroom. I've taken risks all my adult life, hurt myself seriously many times, but don't regret ever taking risk. The idea of hiding from risk prevents many people from living lives to the fullest. Good luck with your book!
Thank you for writing this column.
Please accept my prayers for you, my hope that ypour story stops other rapes, and my paryers for all those who have been raped and assaulted.
I worked for approximately four years as a Psychiatric Technician at a forensic hospital in California. I worked on the Sexually Violent Predator Program and I came to the conclusion that rapists and child molesters only need TLC to be cured. Two Lead Cartridges, intracranially (is that a word) and surprise surprise no recidivism. Thank you for your courage. It was in no way whatsoever any of your fault.
I feel very sad that that happened to you......
Thanks for sharing. Many women don't Report It for fear of what happened to you--being blamed for someone else's actions.
For those women who never reported, there is a campaign out there called Report It! The founders are wanting to document all occurrences of sexual assault of all kinds. There will be rallies in many cities at the courthouse level. Check out the website and empower yoursel!
www.reportitnow.org
Thank you for the web sight. I don't give voice to my past issue often, but this felt like the right thing to do. If only more people filled these forms out, I think that it would put a different light on the issue of rape. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHO THEY ARE, NO MEANS NO! PERIOD!!!
Being raped by the shit that raped me was enough humiliation for one night. Adding on to it by then giving it more life in our sympatheticly voyiaristic police is the second rape. Then the next weeks of people quiestioning you about it and making excused as to how it didn't happen or that this guy is really a nice young man who doesn't do that. That is ultimate rape. So, choose the ride you want.
I personally chose to believe that 5 minutes ago is history. 5 minutes from now is future. I refuse to let anything but my shell be raped. I live in the future. The past is for learning. I learned...very few men have a brain larger than their penis and some have really small penises.
...but you aren't bitter.
Hey "Flower"
It's Don from Iguana
It's been years since I've heard from you.
Shaw, Budge and Bod say hello too!
Drop me an e-mail: socal.rr.com.rr.com
Cheryl, thank you for writing. I need more information to assign my level of sympathy for your attack. Innocent victims and those who contribute to their situation all suffer but to what extent we blame the man is varied. Did you know him? Were you drinking? Did "making out" get out of hand? Was he a predator who attacked a naive and innocent young girl? How old was he? Were you dating? Could you identify him to the police? Why were the police less than what you wanted? Perhaps they saw a girl who was "playing with fire".
Don't for a minute think I am justifying rape under ANY circumstances. I'm not. It's just that the definition of rape has evolved. In my day, it was common for a girl to say no as she was taking off her clothes.
I wish you the best in your recovery.
Unbelievable... Could you please enlighten us about your "level of sympathy" approach? Is it like the terror alert color code? Absolutely none of your criteria matter in a rape....none. Your comment is unpardonable. I can not believe that anyone assign levels of sympathy based on the perceived culpability of a crime victim. Iʻm truly stunned. And how you think that Ms. Saban would ever care to respond to you questions.... you are living in your own private world of judgement.
I would add the words "so watch out for that sudden and unexpected mirror".
And if she said "no" while taking off her clothes, she still means "no."
At what moment did the title to her body and soul pass from her to you, flacon?
Flacon:
A few points.
It doesn't matter if she was "dating" the guy. I am happily married. However, if my husband forces me to have sex against my will because he is in the mood that night and I am not, it is still wrong. Period. Both partners should be willing participants. Same for unmarried couples.
Is it only wrong if the girl is "young and innocent"? Again, I am NOT a virgin by any stretch...rather a middle aged woman who has had more than one partner. Is it "better" for someone to rape me because I have had sex already?
"Did you know him?" Come on! So, if a woman "knows" a guy, he can assume she is fine with him forcing sex on her. Please. I know my mailman and I like him. But, I don't want to sleep with him.
Degrees of guilt get too complicated. Who is the great judge who will always make the right call when it comes down to who "deserved" or "walked into" what?
Yes, women must be careful We must use judgement. We must avoid becoming impaired by drugs or alcohol so that we can keep our guards up. I am sure most men would also prefered not being sodomized against their will under any circumstances, however. And would prefer that outsiders not equivocate about how the deed was "allowed" to happen.
" I am sure most men would also prefered not being sodomized against their will under any circumstances..."
Indeed, and after reading this I submitted a relevant comment on that subject, which may appear near the top in due time.
Although question about the about the young lady's conduct may seem in poor taste, they are valid. It seems like she avoids saying whether she invited the guy over, whether they got drunk together, or anything to set the scene (except that it sounds like she rented a party spot). We're left to guess about these things and encouraged to hate the guy. He probably deserves it, but we haven't heard his side.
The fact is that women can easily encourage men by their actions, and it does naive young ladies no service to pretend that is not the truth. Many men, if not most, want something besides friendship from the women they party with, and I certainly would not vouch for their principles. Wise ladies avoid intoxication and keep under the protection of trustworthy men. It's always been good advice, and it still is.
Oh flacon you are indeed justifying rape. Have you any idea what it was like in 1969? Even today most girls, women, ladies will not come forward. Just because of this type of thinking and for years of "you had to do something to bring this on"
Great post, thanks ! You didn't deserve what happened to you. There are weirdos around, it's just luck whether they choose you or someone else as a victim.
When I was 20 a guy assaulted me. I was luckier than you, and escaped. I never ran so fast ! I had wings, even Ben Johnson in his best Nike shoes couldn't have beat me ! ;-)
I hadn't realized the amount of violent anger I had kept from that event until last year, when I went to run my dogs alone on a country path. Bucolic place, flowers along a river, ducks on the water. From behind a tree a weirdo appeared showing me his personal stuff. A very angry person from inside me sprang out to yell at him so loud, and so humiliating words, and I wasn't afraid for a single second. I thought the steam accumulated for so long had been fully released through words and went on with the dogs, when my eyes saw a big stick. The very angry person from inside me got out again, and I retraced my steps to reach the weirdo who was quietly walking in the other way and I kicked him so hard with the stick ! It felt so good !
I think it was unfair because he was just a poor unbalanced guy exhibiting himself, and he received much more punishment than he deserved. Well at least that day I'm sure he didn't frighten any teenager.
Kudos for publishing this important article. Women are being raped at ever younger ages.
Murders of women seem to be increasing. America has a violence problem and until more speak out it will never change. It think the rape t-shirts will bring an awareness to society of just how common this crime is.
Look into the newsday article " An early look at how Hillary Clinton deals with a Crisis"
"As the first woman with a serious chance to lead the nation, it's a way for her to demonstrate how she fought to improve the lives of families and children.
Hillary Rodham Clinton often invokes her "35 years of experience making change" on the campaign trail, recounting her work in the 1970s on behalf of battered and neglected children and impoverished legal-aid clients.
But there is a little-known episode Clinton doesn't mention in her standard campaign speech in which those two principles collided. In 1975, a 27-year-old Hillary Rodham, acting as a court-appointed attorney, attacked the credibility of a 12-year-old girl in mounting an aggressive defense for an indigent client accused of rape in Arkansas - using her child development background to help the defendant."
Read the whole article..it's going to really anger many victims of rape.
Be ashamed. Be very ashamed. This woman writes an article about her personal crisis that shaped her life and from which she has managed to recover, and all you can do is turn it into a cheap shot at Clinton. Ever hear of the right to counsel? Ever hear about innocent until proven guilty? Is Obama going to get rid of all of those sexist archaic institutions within his first week in office? Of course not. Obama is better than his fanatics. Reading your comments only makes a sane person look for his or her checkbook and wonder if "Democrats for McCain" will fit on the "to the order of" line.
I do not think any cursing red neck beer swilling man in America could have been more hurtful to this poster than you.
Rodham's fluency on the topic is evident in her filings. "I have ... been told by an expert in child psychology that children in early adolescence tend to exaggerate or romanticize sexual experience and that adolescents with disorganized families, such as the complainant's, are even more prone to such behavior," she wrote in her July 28 affidavit. "She exhibits an unusual stubbornness and temper when she does not get her way."
"The victim was visibly stunned when handed the affidavit by a reporter this fall. "It kind of shocks me - it's not true," she said. "I never said anybody attacked my body before, never in my life."
In December, when Clinton was campaigning in Iowa, the woman was being released from a state prison after serving a year for forging checks to pay for her methamphetamine addiction.
She doesn't blame Taylor for all her problems, but says the incident continues to haunt her, compounding her bouts of depression and anxiety.
"I remember a lot of bad things about what he did to me in that pickup of his," said the woman, who says she attempted suicide a year after the incident. "I've had a lot of counseling and saw a psychiatrist for five to ten years ... It really affected me mentally. I was always kind of scared to be alone with a guy afterwards
I appreciate Binea's post and found it relevant to this website and respectful to Ms Saban's post. To learn that Hillary as a young woman would twist the truth, lie and denigrate a 12-year-old RAPE victim to win her case seems completely relevant and informative. Hillary displays audacious disregard for who she hurts and what lies and Orwellian truth she will use to “win”.
As an Obama supporter, I'd like to say that I think that your post is wildly inappropriate and somewhat predatory. You take a woman's post about rape survival and turn it into a rant about a candidate you don't approve of? Shameful.
Uh..exCUSE me ? We are voting for a president.This case of the 12 year old rape victim is disgusting,and it is Hillary that is a predator in this case,just as much as the rapist was.
"I have been informed that the complainant is emotionally unstable with a tendency to seek out older men and to engage in fantasizing," wrote Rodham, without referring to the source of that allegation. "I have also been informed that she has in the past made false accusations about persons, claiming they had attacked her body."
Dale Gibson, the investigator, doesn't recall seeing evidence that the girl had fabricated previous attacks. The assistant prosecutor who handled much of the case for Mahlon Gibson died several years ago. The prosecutor's files on the case, which would have included such details, were destroyed more than decade ago when a flood swept through the county archives, Mahlon Gibson said. Those files also would have included the forensics evidence referenced in "Living History."
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Part 1
Binea's comment is distasteful to me.
I'm offended that somebody is attempting to use this discussion for political purposes.
It is inappropriate.
America has to support these barbaric regimes because they are our Oil Buddies, at least that is the Neocon position
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