Pardon Me
I was raped when I was 18. It was an event in my life that continues to mark the passage of time for me; time that is divided into two sections - before the rape, and after. It was the summer of 69 - I had just graduated from High School and was anticipating entering college in the fall. Against my parents' wishes, I had rented a small beach apartment for a month during the summer - wanting so badly to be independent and grown up - wanting so much for my adult life to begin. Little did I know. I had saved the money for the rent myself, having worked after school since I was thirteen. Lots of kids were doing the same, and though my parents didn't like the idea, they let their little bird fly.
The coastal communities where I grew up, which are normally family-oriented places, took on another dimension during the summer of 1969. They expanded with all manner of visiting citizens, musicians, bikers, hippies, college students -- some of them wonderful, some of them transient and quite unsavory. But go tell an 18 year-old girl who thinks she has the world on a string to be fearful, to stay close to home, to avoid provocative strangers. Talk about innocence lost. And I'm not talking about virginity. What I lost because of the rape was much more precious than virginity; I lost myself. And that person went missing for a long, long time.
I found her, thank God, and I am strong and personally empowered now. I've reclaimed myself, and moved on. But moving on isn't easy for many rape and sexual assault victims. Moving from the wounds of victim to the strength of survivor can be a difficult, long haul. There are lingering thoughts, doubts, and humiliations. I was humiliated into silence -- I protected myself by hiding.
Whenever I see a film with a rape scene in it, I feel myself retreat -- in fear of my memories. When I read an article about rape, my heart pounds -- I can recreate my own horror story in a heartbeat. Not so long ago, it was reported that a woman in Saudi Arabia was pardoned by the King - her crime? She had been gang-raped. Her punishment? Six months in prison and 200 lashes. PARDON ME? I got the sweats when I read that article. The idiodic mindset of blaming women for being raped persists. I experienced a version of it myself.
Though I didn't face imprisonment, and since I live in the United States, I wasn't subjected to the prospect of dying at the hands of a man wielding a whip to punish me because I had been raped, I did endure a you got what you deserved attitude from the police. I was a single young girl living alone during summer break, and in the minds of the conservative police officers and detectives who interrogated me, I should have been home with my parents. Their condescending attitude left a lasting impression. It took years for me to shake off the 'guilt' of being raped.
But I don't feel guilty anymore. I'm also no longer naive. April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. As a survivor of sexual assault, I reiterate the message, BE AWARE. Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence, control, and power, and are committed against women, men, girls, boys -- even babies.
Follow Cheryl Saban on Twitter: www.twitter.com/csaban
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
4/12/08
4:07pm
Alexandria, VA
Something similar happened to me in 1968. I considered myself lucky because the man didn't beat me up or injure my in any other way, but I was very angry and disgusted. I did not report the rape to police because I thought I would be blamed or called a liar--not by the police but by the man who raped me.
I'm glad you got past your bad experience (I did, too) and want to help others.
Thank you for your sharing your painful story with all of us.
I am proud of your courage and strength. But I am especially proud of you for redefining your traumatic experience and giving it an empowering meaning that you use to help other women.
Bravo Ms. Saban. Bravo.
Sexual Assault and related crimes, the lack awareness, prosecution, justice, and diempowerment of victims is a huge failing of our society and culture. And this is one issue I think we need a big movement, and education drive to change our culture. Our culture is so disconnected when it comes to sex and sexuality that it is hard to imagine a time when victims of sexual assault and related crimes are not to some extent victims of society as well.
4/13/08
2:42pm
Alexandria, VA
I feel the need to compliment the Daly City, CA Police Department for acting promptly and professionally when I called in an attempted rape. I found the perpetrator in a photo line-up and he was promptly arrested, convicted and incarcerated.
I don't know if they had a special unit to deal with this kind of crime or not, but I wish every woman could be treated as professionally as I was under the circumstances.
Thank you Daly City Police Department.
On your world, in your country alone, 1.6 women are raped. 86 women per hour. 2,061 women are forcibly raped each day. And that is just your country. Travel around your world, and you can multiply that by 9. Perhaps it is best that humanity not survive the planetary disaster nearly upon you. So much to change. So little time.
And that's just the women. There is also the motly hidden and rarely talked about sexual crimes against men, young boy's, and as Ms. Saban points out, babies. While I unfortunatley don't have the detailed satististics on hand, I do know that the most common and frequent rape that occurs in the U.S. is between men in prison. And as shameful as a woman can feel after being sexually assulted, the way a man can feel is something I can only imagine. This is not to say that raping a man is worse then raping a women, because it is the same to the victim either way, and just as horrible.
I carry a secret fear, always, in the back of my head: I fear encountering someone sexually abusing someone else - I am very afraid of my reactions to that; I was raised with abuse (not sexual), and so know a little something about hopelessness and lost identities and realities.
My instincts, partially triggered in a couple of dicey encounters over the years, I am pretty sure would lead me to do something literally terrible to the abuser, with probable bad consequences to both of us. So I steer WAY clear of dicey-looking situations, and trust to God and fortune to keep me clear of those situations in non-dicey-appearing times and places.
Many, many good people, if put into such an encounter (as neither abuser or abused) would, I am pretty darned sure, work most strenuously to assist the abused. A rapist, being a criminal, usually takes pains to not be arrested in fact or concept while in the act; that fact ALONE might give a victim the feeling that they are alone, when in reality, they were and are surrounded by good people who, if they had known, would've actively attempted to put a stop to the trauma if they at all could.
Meanwhile, I stay ever watchful..
So what planet are you from?
Thank you, Ms. Saban, for your courage in sharing this story. I particularly appreciate you sharing how long and difficult the survival aspect of the situation. Few know and understand this, especially since it can take decades before women realize the full extent of the impact of the rape.
I noticed the recent advent of t-shirts that say "i was raped." I admire the courage of women who can wear this and speak out.
Thank you thank you for adding to the discussion on this heart-rending and life altering topic.
NOTE: There sure aren't many comments on this thread. Like no one wants to talk about it. *crickets* Hopefully many will read your words and least and let them sink in.
I am truly sorry for your horrible experience, however, realistically speaking you are obligated to protect yourself. Don't believe me? Check the statistics. Those who are threatened, and who cannot, or will not defend themselves with deadly force usually suffer for it.
Realistically speaking, people are obligated to not assault other people.
While it is wise to protect oneself, the onus falls on the attacker, not the victim.
Should every woman and child be armed "with deadly force" in order to fulfill their supposed obligation of self-protection?
Easier said than done.
Even people who say "that person deserved it" regarding victims of rape or sexual assault are likely to be very detestable people.
You're blaming her/the woman. Look up the word shame in the dictionary and feel it.
"Those who are threatened, and who cannot, or will not defend themselves with deadly force usually suffer for it."
It's not so cut and dry, especially when it comes to rape. The decision to defend yourself will depend, in large part, on the type of rapist you encounter and whether or not he has a weapon he intends to use. I work with sex offenders. There are 4 general typologies of rapists and they are:
1. Power-Reassurance (81%): This guy is the least violent. He is the loner type with low self-esteem. He is passive in life. He fantasizes the victim is his lover and they are on a date. He believes she is enjoying the rape. His intention is not to hurt her. His motive is sexual. He is trying to increase his self-esteem through the control of another person. He usually avoids verbal abuse and sticks to vaginal sex. He will often try to reassure her during the assault, kiss her, ask her for a date afterward. THIS GUY YOU CAN FIGHT. Or not, depending on what your gut tells you.
continued.
I am wondering if this typology can apply to harassing men in other situations as well. For example gender discrimination at the workplace and domestic abuse. (these are things I've faced) The part of the essay and discussion that stands out to me is the blaming of women - first hurting her, and then blaming her.
Four out of Five women who fight back get out of the situation. Yes, pay attention to your gut and take a good self defense class that teaches "dirty" fighting - forget the judo throws unless you want a black belt in that particular martial art.
continued.
2. Power Assertive (12%): This type has an extreme sense of superiority and entitlement. He rapes because he can. Rape is a way to validate his masculinity. He's the opposite of the power-reassurance rapist: he's flashy, athletic, loud and boisterous
3. Anger-Retaliatory (5%): He's out to hurt someone. He blames women for all the injustices he's suffered in his life. He wants to punish, hurt and degrade them. His attacks are very sudden. This is not a sexual act. This is rage. He's the type to "beat the living crap" out of his victim. THE MORE YOU RESIST, THE MORE VIOLENT HE WILL BECOME.
4. Anger Excitation (sadistic): This is your killer . However, first he will beat and torture his victims. He methodically plans his rapes and he comes prepared with a rape kit. He will take his victim somewhere private. His intent is to degade, torture and kill his victims. It's the only way he can get sexual satisfaction. FIGHT THIS GUY AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT BECAUSE IT DOES.
Remember: Always stand out of arms reach of a stranger. If he can grab you, he can hurt you.
Ms. Saban, is to be commended for a very courageous article. I hope she will reissue it on a regular basis because it is apparent that our moral structure is in a freefall and occurrences like the one she described are more common than the public realizes. It is also needed to counteract the degrading ideas contained in so much of what today passes as entertainment where such criminal acts are condoned and indeed glorified.
And OneWoman, Where do you put examples like the members of the offshoot Mormon temple in Texas? Power assertive perhaps? I think that is the most egregious form of rape where the victims are incapable of fighting back because of their age and the because they are caught up in a power structure that wont allow them to. To me, raping innocent children, whether male or female, is the most egregious sicko act that one person can inflict on another.
The pity in the Texas case is that authorities have been reluctant to act because of the religious connection. It is no wonder that a large segment of the American public (approaching 20 percent) has moved away from religion.
Just recently, a female friend of a tenant at an apt. complex I work at was attacked by someone who climbed a tree and pried off a window screen and, after assembling some swag, decided to top off the experience with a rape. The girl awoke with the pinhead straddling her - she fought like a wildcat, and he left her without consumating his stupid act. Afterward, the police found 2 bullet holes in her pillow - she had been shot at, but not hit.
The police informed us that if they catch him, he will have to be taken to the hospital first, before booking. I hope they catch him before I would...
The girl fought instinctively and successfully for her life - I do not know the odds for that particular encounter, but this encounter ended as best it could for her.
I think data such as the above presented by OneWoman should be standard in our schools, and would help greatly to assist in preparing potential victims for coping with just such an encounter. Thank you.
Since you are giving street survival advice here is my two cents worth. If you are accosted for any reason, do not go with your attacker. No matter what they say, do anything you can to stay where you are. If it is a carjacking or a street robbery or whatever do not leave with the person. The best thing you can do is yell "Help Fire, Fire". If you yell fire people will come outside because the fire could be damaging their property so they have an interest. If you only yell "Help" people will let their fear keep them from getting involved. Sad, but true.
Rape is when one party says "no" to sexual advancements but the other keeps on going, forcibly.
Thank you for sharing your story, Cheryl.
I'm going to have my teen daughter read this story so we can talk about her summer plans.
I want so much to let her stretch her beautiful wings and fly a little, but I'm not so comfortable with her head in the clouds.
Thank you Cheryl. That was an awesome post.
May the wind remain on your back, and may you recieve in return whatever you lost in tenfold for being brave enough to overcome it, and now being brave and kind hearted enough to share it.
Ms. Saban, I salute you and your courage.
Thank you for posting this story. It is a brave and important thing you are speaking about. Our society might now be as awful as some, but we are conditioned to feel shame for being raped. I am also a survivor and fluctuating between that role and victim is a long, ongoing process for me. It doesn't matter how many years pass, I think it's a battle to find self-worth after undergoing such a thing, perhaps especially at a young age.
I am an artist and am currently working on a new Artists' book about how to prevent, and be aware of sexual abuse. It is going to be for both survivors and for people who want to help them heal well, or prevent it from happening to children and young adults, as well as knowing the signs of someone who is being abused.
I hope you speak out more on your story, as it empowers others as well as ourselves in sharing these personal topics.
best of luck with your book, ArtCzar. You are brave, as well, and we thank you for your voice!
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
