An Open Letter to Kate Gosselin
Dear Kate,
You don't know me, but I felt like I just had to reach out to you after watching your appearance on Larry King Live a few nights ago. I know you've been through a lot over the past several months: the cruel tabloid headlines, the negative assumptions about you, the betrayal, the impending divorce, seeing your estranged husband cavorting with whores in Ed Hardy t-shirts, your kids' refusal to sit the hell down and shut up when Mommy tells them to, people making fun of your haircut -- I know it's all been eating you alive inside and turning your well-established sense of self upside down. It's hurt me for so long to watch you held up for public ridicule -- to see the once-vainglorious Kate Gosselin reduced to groveling for mercy in the face of those who would take joy in knocking you from the pedestal you so richly deserve to sit atop. But when you looked right into Larry King's lifeless eyes (an act of incredible bravery in itself) and told him, "I'm lonely," well, that was all I could take.
I know you're in pain, Kate.
I know you feel like no one understands.
But I need you to know something -- I do.
That's why, right here and now, I want to tell you that there's someone in this world who gets you completely, who loves you entirely -- and who wants to be with you forever.
Me.
Yes, me.
A little about myself: I'm a 39-year-old underemployed writer and journalist with over ten years experience -- on and off -- dealing with women like yourself, Kate. Women others would call, well, let's just say "difficult." (Only the crassest and most Philistine would refer to your kind by that other word.) And let me be clear: When I say that I know how to "deal" with you, that's in no way meant to imply that I have an intact spine and would be willing to make an effective stand against you should I feel that you were trampling me underfoot and crushing my fragile ego. On the contrary, you can consider me already very well housebroken -- an easily malleable lump of human wet clay that will never so much as raise his voice to you when you publicly emasculate him for not picking out the right paint color for the living room or maybe rubbing your feet clockwise instead of counter-clockwise at the end of the day.
Life with me would be the Kate Show all the way. My balls are well accustomed to that particularly cold area at the back of the refrigerator anyway; why break with tradition?
Speaking of shows, I have a couple of children of my own. Just think of the possibilities: Kate and WHO? + 8 + 2. It would be like The Brady Bunch for Generation Meth.
I even think you're really hot. No joke. You're a total babe. I don't even think it's important that you, for once, stand up straight.
Katie, my sweet, you don't have to be lonely anymore. I ask only that you please think about my offer. I honestly believe that if you give it a little serious consideration, you'll come to the only possible conclusion -- that I'm the man for you. I have the skill, the will, and, most importantly, the complete lack of self-respect in the face of a spiteful woman -- and I'm totally ready to be the next Mr. Kate Gosselin.
Hey, I used to produce for Ashleigh Banfield.
I Love You,
Chez : )
Follow Chez Pazienza on Twitter: www.twitter.com/chezpazienza
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Come on - we all know the only man for Kate is Donald Trump - just think of the two most infamous hairdos walking down the aisle together - besides he would be able to support her clan after her little dog and pony show tanks.
OH! How refreshing to read this and funny!
I just don't spend my time trashing this whole Kate/Jon thing. Why? It amazes me that people do.
Why is it that so many take pleasure with it? It's like they bite in and can't let go. Kind of an addiction to petty nashing - really.
I wasn't even going to read this, but someone tipped me off to this and told me it wasn't your "run of the mill nashing" story.
Spot on. Right and funny.
When you think about it, millions of people make their living by appearing on TV. So why is Kate the exception?
Why not have a show that pays for the costs of living while raising 8 little kids? You'd rather have the kids in rags in a crowded hovel, crying because they're hungry all the time?
What possibly is the problem that they bought a logical dwelling on some private acreage where the children will be safe? People all over the world live in big houses that cost millions, so what?
So Jon and Kate ran into the same problems that hundreds of millions of people all over the world encounter, they grew away from each other. So what?
Of course it is sad for the children to go through a divorce....millions of us have lived that part...and here we are alive and typing.
Carping about them doesn't change a thing, only takes time and energy away from our OWN duties...so we can nose about in someone else's business.
We didn't watch their show because they were the marriage model of the century, we watched it because we loved their children...and that is why we will continue watching...and hope for the best for both Jon and Kate. They've done a bang-up job with their kids so far, so have some heart.
Plenty of large families made it just fine without going on TV. My cousins have 7 children and they live simply, no cable, no video games, no fancy car (they have a used mini van) and they frequent Goodwill for clothing as well as other used clothing outlets (like Plato's closet for the teenagers). They do however go on family outings to the library, local/state parks, beach, state forests for hiking, historical sites, etc. all the time. Their children are not growing up on with hefty diet of TV and video games. They also have a large garden where they grow vegetables for canning/freezing. Even with 7 children, they are still able to put some money for each of them for college someday...oh yeah, they also don't live in a million dollar mansion (just a 4 bedroom home) and mom doesn't wear designer clothes and go to the salon every week.
They sould like very lucky children.
Can't she just GO AWAY
I don't watch the show anymore; I used to before the big house move. At times I cringed when Kate yelled at Jon or pushed him, but someone had to take charge and he obviously wasn't up to the task. It takes skill and organization to run a household; add 8 kids to the mix and it would be total chaos if she had been as lazy as he is. His behavior since the split shows what an immature, selfish person he is.
I'm not siding with her, except to say that I know what it's like to have a load for a husband.
I think they both need to step away and take the kids out of the spotlilght before any more damage is done.
Chez, this is unnecessarily cruel. Your joke is rather funny at times, on the other hand - I agree with the points you make in her favor. I'm a guy with a spine, and have lived thru a difficult relationship with a strong woman, but I don't begrudge her personal strengths or weaknesses. It's life; John & Kate have a real life behind the cameras, and I do feel for them both.
Wait a minute...I love Ashleigh Banfield!
Umm... that was a bit cruel, no?
no it wasn't!
Delightful. Be careful what you wish for.
oh lol now that is just what i needed
thanks Chez for the morning laugh
That was brilliant! Started my day with a smile!
sje made the show
I think she has hollywood for her next move
compare her to octo mom and you know how good she is
john was whipped and then one day just went bye
That was great Chaz. I've asked myself why I waste so much energy- all of it negative- on reading about this woman. Here's what I've figured out so far:
I keep reading about her because I am hoping to finally read the article that announces she has been banished by the public forever, has lost all her money, and her tummy tuck, teeth whitening and a$$ lift were reversed due to her body's rejection of her.
Why so mean? It's not only that I think she is all the bad things everyone says about her. It's because I am jealous of all the free stuff she gets for no good reason. It steams me- simple as that.
This is high-larious!
Too funny. Well, if you do succeed in snagging a date with Tyrant Queen of the Roadkill Hair please help her out by suggesting a new hairstylist. You'll be doing her a huge favor. ;)
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