...And the Shows You Rode In On

I'm living proof that if there's one thing TV networks don't like, it's honesty.

When precious ad revenue is at stake, especially in a flatlining economy, a self-deprecating sense of humor isn't simply something that's sure to go unappreciated; it's the kind of thing that can get you shown the door by security and your name removed from a prime spot in the parking lot in a matter of minutes. You can openly roast just about everything else in television, which on the whole is an absurd industry ripe for ridicule, but don't you dare screw with a network's ability to make a profit -- because in the end, that's all that network cares about. Really -- all it cares about. Insulting the CEO's mother would be considered less offensive.

Which leaves me wondering what the hell ABC's going to do with Jimmy Kimmel this morning.

Yesterday, in a seemingly career suicidal moment of honesty for himself -- and a truly historic come-to-Jesus event for the business of network television itself -- the host of ABC's popular late-night talk show delivered a brutal and blistering comic attack on his network's new fall season. It happened during ABC's "Upfront" -- the annual live presentation of a network's fall prime-time lineup, including new shows and mid-season replacements, to the press and, more importantly, an audience full of potential advertisers.

Upfronts are generally pompous affairs held in places like Radio City Music Hall and featuring bombastic musical numbers, live celebrity endorsements, laser light, and a stage brimming with overly animated network execs -- all of which is aimed at distracting the people with money to spend from the fact that your Wednesday night is anchored by a relaunch of BJ and the Bear, starring Ashton Kutcher (finally putting his trucker hat fetish to good use). But like everything else these days, through a combination of internet-led media transparency and the general cynicism of the masses, who've finally come to understand that they're being bullshitted nearly 24/7, the roll-outs for the new TV season are being met with a certain amount of reservation, rather than the wide-eyed awe of years past. In other words: Advertisers, like the rest of us, now know how the television business works; they know the truth; they know that the Upfronts are a lot of dazzle, but that the reality in a couple of months -- canceled shows, rearranged schedules, flops that should've been hits -- will likely be much uglier.

Still, famous faces are expected to get on board for these things and behave as if the awful truth doesn't exist. They're expected to bury their self-respect and enthusiastically pimp for the network. For actors, who pretend to be someone else for a living anyway, this may not be much of a problem. For Kimmel, though, it was apparently impossible.

From writer Dave Itzkoff, in yesterday's New York Times online:

Bouncing onto the stage at just after 4 p.m., Mr. Kimmel self-deprecatingly declared, "All of ABC's late night comedy talent is assembled here on one stage." After rattling off a few statistics about the affluence of his viewers, he then admitted that he'd made all the numbers up. (He said so in a more obscene way.)

Then, in a "Jerry Maguire"-like moment of clarity, Mr. Kimmel said, "Everything you're going to hear this week is" nonsense. "Let's get real here. Let's get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We're going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more."

If ABC is so confident in its new fall shows, he asked, why is it announcing them at the same time it announces the midseason shows that will replace those fall shows? "This show 'Shark Tank' has the word tank right in the title," he said.

To the ABC advertisers, Mr. Kimmel said, "Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don't need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies onto your clients."

Mr. Kimmel then took a verbal swing at his own network, reminding the audience that ABC had attempted to hire away Mr. Leno when his tenure ended at NBC's "Tonight Show." But, according Mr. Kimmel, NBC said it would not give up Mr. Leno, "even if we have to destroy our own network to keep him."

Now make no mistake: I have no idea how the network's going to address Jimmy Kimmel's comments, but he won't lose his job over this; firing him would be a tacit confirmation by ABC of every single point he cleverly made. In fact, it's a thing of beauty that Kimmel went into that meeting yesterday knowing full-well that the network likely wouldn't touch him and that, ironically, that too was confirmation of what he was saying: He makes money for the network, and short of walking into Bob Iger's office and hitting him repeatedly with a baseball bat, there was no way ABC would pull the plug on him.

The fact is that Jimmy Kimmel understands something that network executives are still refusing to grasp -- or are simply fighting tooth and nail against. He gets that in our new hyper-connected culture, it's beyond the realm of possibility to lie outright to an audience -- and therefore it's fucking stupid to even try. Kimmel's a comedian, and someone who comes from a talk radio background -- an industry to which those who tend to be masochistically honest are drawn and usually thrive. As such, he did what all decent comedians do: confront the harsh reality of our times through a wink and a smile; help us laugh at the absurdity so we don't cry about it.

What Jimmy Kimmel said yesterday, his pulling back of the facade of television's dying "magic box" ethos to reveal the soulless profit-machine now at its core -- it needed to be said.

And it's a damn good thing he's in a position to not only say it but get away with it.

Comments

[ReelBusy]

You people do realize there is a verylong tradition of comedians beating up their own network at the upfronts.
Just look back at history more than the last 12 moths.

This is not new or news.

[areaman03]

Who, for example?

[countfloyd]

Letterman has been beating up on NBC and now CBS since he started in late night. Dave shows his contempt for these dog and pony events by not showing up.

." But, according Mr. Kimmel, NBC said it would not give up Mr. Leno, "even if we have to destroy our own network to keep him."

Wow! I thought Kimmel and Leno were all buddy-buddy now.

[DoctorGee]

Kudos to Kimmel for being honest - even if some thought it was painful! The world of television is in chaos. They don't know how to address the influence of the InterWeb, cable is winning more and more of the awards, and even the remotely good ideas are buried by eighteen versions of "Law & CSI" (yes, that was on purpose).

As to the best show on late-night? "The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson" - hands down! Ferguson does more consistently funny stuff and does it with less than any of the others.

[rwext]

Ya know , this might actually be the time for someone like Jimmy to go to a cable nightly say about 9 or 10 pm and put PMSNBC, CNN and yes FOX out of their elitist, arrogant political misery.

[3fingerbrown]

The post is built on the absurd premise that the ad agencies and blue-chip clients don't know they're being lied to.

The networks, the agencies, and the clients all grew up together. They all know who's lying, when they're lying, and why they're lying. it's part of a cynical game they've been playing since Kukla, Fran, and Ollie ruled the airwaves. The glitzy hoopla at the upfronts notwithstanding, the top agencies have their own experts with spreadsheets showing them what percentage of shows succeed each year, which types of shows are most likely to succeed at any given time, which stars' images work best to sell their products, and so on. This has been so for years and years. They didn't need Professor Kimmel to tell them what Professor Minnow was telling us all 50 years ago: TV is a vast wasteland.

I'm tired of reading web posts from kids who assume that before the invention of the Internet everyone was a naive simpleton.

[cinesimon]

In other words, you skim-read.

[Lovableloser]

Bravo to Jimmy, who joins the ranks of Colbert and Stewart as boldly speaking truth to power, knowing they won't get canned as they bring too much money to their networks.

Regarding ABC (as well as Fox, NBC and CBS) -- my husband and I are avid TV watchers, but we have not watched ANY network dramas or comedies since...uh...Seinfeld?...Homicide, Life on the Street...? For the past 15 years we have been gobbling up HBO/Showtime/FX/Discovery/Science/PBS/Bravo/Comedy Central/History/National Geographic...etc.

Who in the hell are these millions of idiots still watching the networks from 8-11? SNAP OUT OF IT, people, you are hypnotized...!

[dotsthefunist]

Humans have learned how to sell so well that the product has little importance .Mr. Kimmell has just done the defensive close =if you can't afford it we have something cheaper .

[Sinick]

Right on Jimmy! It makes me ALMOST want to watch TV (that IMO is basically garbage for white trash).

Somehow I can hear the creaking of knees beginning to jerk . . .

[DanOregon]

Get this guy to the White House Correspondents Dinner. And let him go for 20 minutes.

[PocketWatch]

It is inuitively obvious to the most casual of observers that television shows are simply a ploy to get viewers (read consumers) to sit still for the commercials. Put another way, the shows we watch - good, bad, or indifferent - are the filler, and commercials are what makes the industry run. Even the pacing of shows, giving a mini-cliff hanger at each commercial break, is designed to get you to watch continuously through the shows plus commercials. It is also well documented that producing a minute or 30 seconds of a commercial costs many multiple times what the same amount of time in any show costs to produce.

All of this is to say that we get what we pay for, including the advertisers.

[GreatNews27]

Since when is ANYTHING in this goddamned country NOT profit-only-bottom-line-at-all-costs? In a country where catholic priests drive Beemers, money is all there is.

[PocketWatch]

Actually, as a Business Consultant to small and medium sized businesses for many years, I can say that there IS another way, and I have set up dozens of businesses along a different paradigm. To keep it short, it works like this...

I get the owner(s) to agree on a reasonable target profit margin (10%, 15%, 5%, whatever)
I spend a lot of time setting up a 1, 2 and 3 year plan to acheive that goal using real-world numbers.
I set up an incentive plan for all employees to have each group of employees be responsible for what is in their control, and if they exceed targets in the plan, the "excess" profits are shared 50-50 between the company and the group of employees. They all become entrepreneurs.

This sets up a win-win for the company and owners, and the employees, since all employees will be striving to exceed expectations, and the company stands to make more than they planned on.

I call this a "socialist" business model, and it works like a charm if set up and used properly. It is NOT "profit at any cost," but is a way for everyone to achieve goals set up at the start without micromanagement and the craziness that results from rapacious, slash-and-burn capitalism.

[Ahoon]

The "Masters of The Universe" would laugh at you if you tried to get them to settle for 15% profit....and that is who is being discussed here.

[Thinkbolt]

I don't like Jimmy Kimmel, but every once in a while I like something he does. This is one.

[citizenb]

Has anyone ever BEEN to an upfront presentation? Jimmy Kimmel is par for the course. You should have heard Triumph the insult Dog a few years ago, or Drew Carey when he was the "rebel" of ABC. Please, get over it! We all know how the game is played.

[PatA]

Jimmy Kimmell is a very smart man. Glad he put his money where his mouth is..

[phlashba]

You give the "audience" way too much credit.