06/03/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Judge Dread

So Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced that he'll be retiring, putting President Obama in the position of making yet another decision, in just his first few months in office, that will have consequences for this country that reach far beyond his presidency. Unfortunately, whomever he picks won't tip the overall ideology of the High Court, given that Souter -- who was appointed by the first President Bush -- shocked the crap out of his GOP benefactors by typically siding with the court's liberal minority in ruling after ruling. This unconscionable betrayal earned him instant apostate status and with it the kind of ire from the far right usually reserved for gay pedophiles or people who don't stand for the National Anthem at NASCAR races.

What this means, though, is that very soon we'll be treated to a Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing sure to be contentious, to say the least. It would've been anyway, but Jesus, with the state of the GOP right now -- the daily bukkake of crazy coming from the disarrayed pack of howler monkeys that used to be an actual political party -- can you imagine what Obama's nominee is going to have to endure? P.T. Barnum couldn't have come up with something like what we're gonna see.

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont, Chairman): These proceedings are now called to order. The chair recognizes the...

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma): If... If I may, Mr. Chairman. I think it's imperative that the nominee immediately address rumors that she once masturbated to thoughts of Karl Marx. Is that true?

Sen. Patrick Leahy: I'm sorry, Senator Coburn -- but I fail to see the...

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-South Carolina): ARE YOU NOT A WITCH, MA'AM?

Sen. Leahy (banging gavel repeatedly): Please. This hearing will come to order, Senators.

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) (suddenly standing and raising his finger): Mr. Chairman, the distinguished gentleman from the Independent Republic of Texas wishes to be heard. Remember the Alamo!


Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Arizona): Riddle me this -- how do you feel about gay marriage abortions? Would you be surprised to learn that I am the product of one?

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mr. Chairman, I wish to go on the record and apologize to Rush Limbaugh if I insulted him by using the word "swine" a few moments ago. I am deeply sorry for the offense.

Lindsay Graham drops to his knees and begins crying uncontrollably -- then faints.


Sen. Jon Kyl: We must immediately invade Liechtenstein!

Sen. John Cornyn: Texas pledges four troops, a couple of highway patrolmen in mirrored sunglasses, the corpse of Janis Joplin and a pick-up truck full of Mexican day laborers, all named Juan, to the war effort!

Cornyn stands and begins singing ZZ Top's Tush.

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama): If I may, ma'am -- what are your thoughts on replacing the U.S. Constitution with a sexually explicit memo written by Bill O'Reilly to Andrea Mackris?

Lindsay Graham twitches on the floor, lifts his fist and shouts: FREEEEEDOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Michele Bachmann's head appears from under the table in front of Orrin Hatch. She wipes her mouth then kisses a large gold crucifix dangling atop her cleavage.

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) (smiling with satisfaction): Mr. Chairman, I move we adjourn for the day.

Leahy bangs the gavel once, throws it over his shoulder, gets up and walks out.