Kids Incorporated
David Archuleta's going to win American Idol -- you may as well get that through your head right now. It doesn't matter that he's a short, somewhat frumpy kid who always looks like he just got his ass kicked for his lunch money at recess, or that his willowy voice conveys all the passion and soul of Muzak, or that he actually admitted on national television -- without even a hint of irony -- that John Farnham is one of his favorite artists, or that Michael Jackson is already trying to figure out a way to get his smooth young body to Neverland.
It doesn't matter, because Archuleta has the one thing that matters -- tragically, the only thing that matters these days: the unwavering worship of every 13-year-old girl in America. The 'tweens are legion, they are powerful, and they will see to it that David Archuleta is crowned boy king of the pop culture universe. In a couple of months, they'll have his face plastered everywhere you look -- and only the little girls themselves, and maybe NAMBLA, will have reason to rejoice over it. But here's the thing: It doesn't have to be like this.
Never has there been a seeming eventuality -- in this case, a cultural zeitgeist -- that was easier to stave off. All adults have to do, is take back the world from their kids. Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about, because it's become impossible to ignore: A generation of parents who spoil their children rotten -- hubristically buying into the notion that their specific spawn is somehow special and deserving of society's deference -- combined with the technology that gives every computer or text savvy kid a voice, whether he or she deserves one or not, has conspired to hijack a good portion of what we see and hear.
It's a Wiki world, one in which a vocal majority can literally rewrite the rules and twist reality to suit its needs, and right now, the 'tweens are the most vocal -- and what they need, apparently, are crappy, overproduced, Disneyfied Stepford Teens to scream for and sing along to. This is why Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers are all but inescapable right now -- and why David Archuleta is next.
Last night on American Idol, that palisade of democratic instant gratification, Carly Smithson got the hook, while utterly forgettable, high-all-the-time doofus, Jason Castro lived to annoy another day. The reason Smithson was sent packing, particularly as opposed to Castro, is obvious: She had nothing to offer the wild-eyed 'tween girl demographic. Without at least a portion of this fan base, no one on Idol stands a chance these days.
Talent doesn't matter, nor does personality; all that really counts is the innate ability to give America's cell phone armed rugrats something to either fantasize about or aspire to. I've always had an issue with parents who allow their children to take over their lives, turning them into frazzled, Nickelodeon-watching, Wiggles-or-Zach & Cody-debating, shadows of their former selves -- the kind of people who once listened to The Clash and now have no issue with mortgaging the home to buy Mylie Cyrus tickets.
It's one thing to let parenthood change you -- to rightly make your kids a priority; it's another thing to completely forfeit your identity and become nothing more than an extension of your child's tastes. In years past, this kind of sloughing off of the various predilections that make someone an adult didn't have the far-reaching effect that it does today; before the age of viral transmission, YouTubed kingmaking and iRule, prepubescents didn't really have the ability to inflict their will on the rest of us. But all that's changed now that text messaging and the internet have allowed for the creation of a hive mind -- and what's worse, one that's turned Generation-Y into one big conduit/amplifier for whatever's been cleverly marketed in its direction.
It's no longer a kid grabbing Mommy's sleeve and screaming, "I want that!" It's a kid hooking into the Borg and joining with every other kid in the country, then voting and calling and posting and commenting and asserting power in every way possible until his or her request is no longer a request but a demand, and one that's been handily brought to fruition. In the chaos theory of popular culture, all it takes anymore is a few butterflies flapping their wings to start a tempest that becomes a juggernaut. The 'tweens decide what they want, the parents follow, the lapdog media that are always on the lookout for the next big thing trumpet it, and before you know it, it's unavoidable -- on every TV and radio and in every magazine and department store across the nation.
The easiest way to change this would be to simply stop allowing them to have such a deafening voice. Believe it or not, adults are still in charge; they can say "no" once in awhile, or take away the cell phones attached to their children's ears, or pry their hands away from the computer keyboards. The bottom line is that what a bunch of little Veruca Salts demand, particularly when it comes to entertainment, is what the rest of us are getting stuck with -- and I didn't grow older, endure bad relationships, a drug addiction and various harsh disappointments, and now pay an exorbitant rent and $4.15-a-gallon for gas so that I can have David Fucking Archuleta rammed down my throat by some lovestruck 12-year-old. To twist a lyric from The Doors -- they've got the numbers, but we've got the guns. Or in this case, the plugs. Pull 'em.
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Praise the Lord and pass the converter! I've had enough of AI. The Smithson sacrifice at the alter of Castro was the show's jump the shark moment. I'm done with it. It makes what happened last year with Sanjaya seem almost sane.
What is with the MJ slur? Hulk mad!!
Look, how about writing something that you think about first, umkay? How did Taylor Hicks win? Or how about that fat soul singer? or Carrie Underwood? Are they tween pinups? This is how Idol winning works; take notes class because I will not repeat this: It's all about where you are from. Idol winners are from the south, why? Because most votes for any contestant comes from people in your region. If you are from South Grits Alabamee, then everyone in Alabamee is going to vote for you, over and over. It's the same for every contestant no matter where they are from, but people in the south are more into the show and more into voting for what they see as "their own" if they come from their state or county or town. Archuleta may be king of the tweens, but that is due to Archuleta himself. The tweens have never ruled who wins Idol. Archuleta is the first time they have had a very young cute harmless looking teddy bear type of boy toy for tweens to fantasize about on Idol's finalists. But the fact is that the ratings are down, less people care about Idol then before.
This show has gotten so phony I can't believe anybody is taking the time to watch it anymore.........
it's a show for kids. not some grand social experiment gone wrong. does it REALLY matter who wins? think about how much the winner will altar your life once he/she takes the title. i thought so.
i have my favorites on the show and david a. isn't high on the list. i don't see how you can take the leap from carly getting tossed off to parents not controlling their children.
it's only TV. lighten up.
Commerce never had much of a conscience, or much of an aesthetic.
The show will kill itself. Americans are always, already, figuring out how to crucify a hero just as they have finished creating him or her.
Just do your bit by buying music that does matter.
This article reminds me how things never change. Take away the expletives, and this is pretty much what many adults said about them whipper-snappers who wasted their time on those good for nothing Beatles and Rolling Stones all those years ago. Proving once again that liberalism and youngsters who rebel against that button down conformity never last long before it all turns into the latest status quo defended by angry adults demanding unwavering conformity to their superior standards. At the end of the day, they are doomed to become the latest guardians of the new conformity to a new buttoned down society. In this case, with a few extra expletives to remind folks of all the last few generations of adults have bequeathed a grateful nation.
Once again, an angry liberal who just can't let kids be kids and enjoy a show that does not have a mesage or an agenda. Why can't you just lighten up? What is the big deal? Let them be kids.
Once again, a deliberately ignorant conservative who just can't handle the idea that someone out there might be smarter than him. AMERICAN IDOL represents everything that's wrong with music today: all performer image rather than material, more concern over short-term flash-in-the-pan profit than long-term staying power. "Letting kids be kids" is why you red staters have trailer parks and we blue staters have the atom bomb.
So, what is your point? Are you trying to "kill pop music" or something? Its POP MUSIC, not Beethoven or Bach. It just seems to me that you are getting your panties all in a wad over nothing and certainly over something you have no control over to change. And because your pissed, you feel like everyone else should feel the same way as you.
Again, their kids.
Talent doesn't matter for a tv show? This is an insult to all 4 Monkees.
Amen to this post. It should be tattooed on practically every suburban parent's oily forehead.
As a professional tutor, I can attest directly to your thoughts here. And they're true. But we shouldn't be shocked by the degeneracy of this culture, or its many degenerate manifestations, including the worshiping of youth: it's to be expected, even as it portends the collapse of the culture in question.
We hardly ever hear most of the winners on the radio (Fantasia, Ruben, Taylor?) so perhaps it's best if the one you don't like wins.
At first I thought this was satirical, but...
If you're serious -- and I wish there were a way to convey tone because I'm saying this in as friendly way as I can -- you need to lighten up. This is American Idol. That show where they lionize Andrew Lloyd Webber, Barry Manilow and Burt Bacharach. Pop music in all its syrupy glory. And I think it's sort of scroogy to say we should deprive kids of bubblegum because it doesn't meet the cool-factor standards of Coltrane and the Afghan Whigs.
Just once I'd like to see one of those kids sing George Thorogood. Then again, George said the only two kids of music out there are the blues and the BS played on MTV, and AMERICAN IDOL decidedly falls into the latter category.
What you say about cell phones is true and completely fixable. A few weeks ago, a parent of a 13 yo girl told me he was sick of his kid handing him $400. cell phone bills. I told him about the Tracfone- it's a pay as you go phone where you pay in advance for the minutes your kid needs. When the minutes are used up, the phone is dead until you buy more. My 13 yo gets $20. worth of minutes every three months and she does not waste them on text messages or calls to AI.
Why does your thirteen-year-old need a cellphone in the first place?
Not that its any business of yours why or why not their kid should have a cell phone, but have you ever heard of emergencies?
Why not give 'em the vote.....(presidential, I mean)....... and let the twinks rule the world....
(can't do a much worse job than the present administration, can they??)
LOL
(suffering grandfather of a screechy 7 year old princess by her own ascendancy)
" The bottom line is that what a bunch of little Veruca Salts deand, particularly when it comes to entertainment, is what the rest of us are getting stuck with."
Really? Pray tell, when did American Idol subsume the entirety of American culture?
Don't watch American Idol. There's plenty else to listen to, read or watch.
Unfortunately its influence is all-pervasive. I can't listen to the radio morning show on my way to work without getting an update on it, and that's on a classic rock station!
I'm hesitant to comment...because it feels like you may be saying a few things...perhaps not perfectly clearly. But..let me say that I agree that a majority of parents from what I can see have no idea how to raise human beings. Kids' minds and hearts get ignored, saturated with disgusting vacuous media messaging, spoiled, shallow....not their fault, but the whole system is fucked, man. it really is. And we're all too busy trying to make a living to be able to fix it.
voices of the young are very important. they are not yet (given they are at the right age) beholden to fear and capitulation and ultrayhyperpragmatic thinking. they are not yet beat down by the system. but i do see what you mean. its a balance. if we abdicate them to the media and society at large, it will be a fight to take their minds back. but if we protect them from the world's malaise then they have much to teach us just by our watching them, listening to them.
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