General Petraeus insisted in his testimony this week that the Surge has been so successful that troops can't leave Iraq. He urges we wait until July to then do nothing for 45 days, after which he'd evaluate the situation and then give a timetable for when he might decide to make a decision. This testimony comes just after US deaths have passed the 4000 mark. As the toll continues to rise, combat deaths in the "Battle for Iraq" approach those that the Confederate Army under Robert E. Lee suffered in the Battle of Gettysburg.
Despite fighting for an unworthy and ultimately losing cause, Lee is regarded as one of the greatest generals in American history. Petraeus? Future historians may decide likewise for his cause and otherwise for his generalship. But what if Lee had been more like Petraeus?
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July 4, 1863, Headquarters in the Field at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
To: His Excellency, Jefferson Davis, President, Confederate States of America
From: Robert E. Lee, Commanding General, Army of Northern Virginia
Your Excellency,
I have the honor to inform you that the Confederate troops under my command have reached a new high-water mark in our glorious Second War of Independence. On the afternoon of the third, inst., elements of Lt. Gen'l James Longstreet's Third Corps and Lt. Gen'l Powell Hill's First Corps very nearly breached the Federal lines, despite heavy losses.
After three days of battle, our casualties are within acceptable parameters for the mission. I estimate our deaths to number more than 4,500. Wounded more than 12,000. Captured or otherwise missing approximately 6,000. I enclose more exacting lists and tallies of these casualties under separate cover.
Despite two difficult days of defeats, and failed charges on the left and right of Gen'l Meade's lines, I determined that an infantry action would help to stabilize conditions, perhaps to a point where a political solution could be reached with the people of Pennsylvania, who would greet us as liberators from Lincoln's yoke, if only the enemy's fighters were not present here in far greater numbers than mine.
I therefore ordered Gen'l Longstreet to prepare a -- let's call it a Surge -- of troops against the center of the Federal lines. Gen'l Longstreet eventually agreed to order the Surge, after arguing strenuously with me against it. It may be worth Your Excellency's particular attention to decide whether Gen'l Longstreet should continue to hold a commission in this Army. He displays insufficient patriotism, I fear, to support The Cause. Plus, he never wears his Confederate Battle Flag lapel pin.
Despite Gen'l Longstreet's remonstrance, The Surge went forward as planned.
Excellency, it would be remiss of me to omit mention of several of our most valorous field commanders of this day. Maj. Gen'l Trimble and Brig. Gen'l Pettigrew each led a division with the distinction of conspicuous bravery. But special mention must be made of Major General George Pickett.
Pickett's movement up the hill known as Cemetery Ridge against heavily fortified Federal positions very nearly resulted in a breaching of the Federal lines. In fact, at one point his men captured two Federal guns and were ready to train them on the enemy, but government contractors have not yet provided us with the requisite cannon balls, despite having been paid tens of thousands of dollars in specie.
For some reason, they won't take our fundamentally sound, if heavily discounted, Confederate paper money.
Gen'l Pickett then advanced in another direction, namely to the rear, and regained his place in our lines. I would recommend all three of his brigade and all eleven of his regimental commanders for higher rank and commensurate commands, but they've all been, regrettably, captured or killed.
President Davis, rather than withdraw back to safety in Virginia, we have reformed our lines into a heavily fortified zone in a green area here in Pennsylvania. It is imperative that we stay the course, fighting the counter-insurgents here so that we do not have to fight them at home. As long as we've been here, attacks in our homeland have dropped to virtually nil, if you discount that pesky General Grant who is skulking somewhere in the hills around Vicksburg, Mississippi.
Instead of sending troops after Grant, Excellency, I recommend that you reinforce our failure here in an open-ended commitment. To withdraw at this time would mean to abandon all the gains we've made in the cause of Confederacy and would embolden the Federals. It would be disrespectful to the memories of the thousands of our brave and honored dead if we did not continue to maintain indefinitely what shall here now and forever after be known as Pickett's Surge.
I remain, dear Mr. President, your humble and obedient servant,
Rob't E. Lee, General Commanding
Stirner is correct--unlike most of today's public officials, both civilian and military, General Lee did indeed take responsibility for the Confederates' failure at Gettysburg. The successful retreat by the Confederates to Virginia after Gettysburg was as much a tribute to the leadership by Lee and his subordinates as it was the failure of the Union generals (Meade, et. al.) to pursue the Confederates after the battle. It's amazing how often failed military tactics pop up in history!!
larry lynch
Lee's questioning of Longstreet's patriotism, the contractors, and the PA Green Zone are all satirical embellishments, as are the generally clueless tone and any political maunderings.
In reality, Lee conducted a skillful retreat as Meade failed to follow up the victory. And it was Lee's brilliance throughout the war that allowed the rebellion to last as long as it did. He might even have won the damn thing on a previous foray North, were it not for some mislaid cigars, but that's a story for another day.
The satire was not about Grant, nor yet about Lee qua Lee, but actually about the idiotic mindset behind the 21st century surge and I can't believe I have to explain that.
Actual buffs, students, scholars, mavens, doyens and devotees will probably appreciate it more than you did, as they will realize I'M NOT CRITICIZING LEE. I think I'll be able to poop in my traditional method (sans colostomy bag) for awhile yet.
Thanks for reading,
Chip
Cheers.
larry lynch
Didn't I hear that he has never been on the front line of any conflict?
I think McClellan would be a better example of Petraeus.