Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Chris Braiotta Headshot

Haaaaaave You Ever Been to Curly Haugland?

Posted: Updated:
Print
AP
AP

From a piece on theatlantic.com about the future of the Republican party:

Curly Haugland, North Dakota national committeeman:

"We need to reaffirm our vision of every individual in America being allowed to keep the fruits of their labor, and refute this socialism or fascism or whatever you want to call it that Obama has instituted. We should be cutting spending on this green energy. It's a disaster. There are windmills all over Iowa and North Dakota and South Dakota. It's ideology, not economics. It's a redistribution of wealth to produce something of almost no value. Wind power is practically worthless."

I guess it counts as journalism to just collect a bunch of quotes from random know nothings in bad states? Well, I'm glad it does because otherwise I wouldn't know about Curly Haugland, who is my favorite person in the world today! Not only is he named after my favorite Jimi Hendrix album (second favorite: Alex: Bold As Love), but he literally doesn't care what a single word means. Totally uninterested!

Obama's policies? Probably socialist. Or fascist. One of those. Of course, no way to say which. Probably both. Is "both" a choice? Wind energy? Worthless. I'm trying to guess what he means by worthless. He can't mean "without worth," because that's ignorant. He probably means one of these:

1. Can't hear the sounds of dinosaurs screaming when you use wind power. That's the best part!

2. Wind is sent by Aelous, the Breeze-Lord, and he grants no one-sided gifts. And he needs no Starbucks gift cards (doesn't have pockets/lips). No, he wants to touch our wives with his wind fingers. And he will not be denied his boon!

3. If you use up all the wind to make electricity, what's left for us to breathe? Answer: you have to breathe into a bag in the morning when they turn off the windmills for an hour and then carry that bag of air with you and that's the only air you get all day!

4. Nightmare scenario: what if you make your wind energy next to a pig farm and then you bring that energy to your house and it smells like weird cheese and toilets whenever you turn a radio on?

5. The wind carries our secrets and then my light bulbs will know about the time that my uncle and I looked too long at the bra ads in the Sears catalog and got uncomfortable.

6. If you use up all the wind to make electricity, then our air will be completely still. Sayonara American kite industry; nǐ hǎo cruel Chinese kite barons.

7. What if a windmill chops you in half? What if they replace the flat parts of a windmill with actual knives that reach down to the ground? Jewish dudes: what if one of those swirling sky knives touches some shellfish like a clam before it touches the inside of your body? People, we are clearly not thinking this through.

8. Air doesn't exist. Wind is only the feeling of a criminal's soul flying past you and touching your skin to get warmth for the journey to the Negative Zone.