Come Back To Me, You Sleek, Sexy iPhone

Dearest iPhone,

I have been miserable without you. When we got together when you first came to town, I was so into you. And then after a few shorts weeks, I returned you and got a Blackberry instead. All I can say now is, I AM SO SORRY.

I sit here in sorrow, wishing I could hold you. I think what happened was I had very high expectations. No phone could have lived up to them. Sure, your keyboard is tiny. But when I had time to reflect on it, I realized that the real issue was my fat thumbs. Seriously, they're like sausages. Yes, your battery still runs out relatively quickly (not a criticism), but I've realized that perhaps that's just your way of saying that you need some "iPhone" time to rest. I'm okay with that -- I swear to God I am.

I've tried to replace you over and over. I tried the Helio Ocean, the Treo 755p, the MotoRAZR maxx ve. Hell, I even borrowed my Grandma Ginny's Jitterbug. Disasters, all of them. After several months with the Blackberry, I now know that no one can make me laugh and smile and access data like you do. You are the only one that ever made me so happy. No one could ever take your place. I am an idiot. I mean, have you ever tried to watch a YouTube video on a Blackberry? Not happening!

But enough about that silly machine. All I will tell you is that I feel as if my soul has stolen my heart and left me to cry myself to sleep each and every night with guilt in my heart. God, how I miss your voice....mail feature. Visual voice mail? So advanced yet so simple. Like you.

I guess you just don't realize what you have until it's gone. I was so stupid to leave you. I can totally look past AT&T's inferior network and huge, unexplainable bills (it cost me 500 bucks to dump you -- not counting the money for Kleenex and therapy and candy and crack (off it, swear)).

I know "sorry" is just a word, but for what it's worth, I am very sorry and I beg with every ounce of my soul for you to please forgive me.

I know this seems like maybe an obvious time to take you back, with your maker giving people who bought you first some money back, but I SWEAR ON OUR LOVE that this has NOTHING to do with the fact that your price just dropped 200 dollars. I am about so much more than that. Please come back to me now. :-)

A happy kiss on your tiny, wonderful screen,

Chris

P.S. With the $200 I save, I will take you out to a fancy dinner.

Comments

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Do you think of your first iPhone bill to be a 400 page 'Dear Chris' letter?

[califlefty]

The recent drop in iPhone prices brought the expected cries of betrayal as early adaptors once ensnared by the romance of technology soon faced the realities of the market. Why do some think it "hip" to wait out in the bitter night days on end and a premium or write long public missives of lost love.....FOR A TELEPHONE? It's a little embarrassing. Wake up people, these are just tools, like hammers.

[Blackspeare]

Don't be hard on yourself----wait for the gPhone----from what I hear its gonna shake the wireless market apart!

[indypete]

Funny stuff! I never had the urge to get an iPhone for myself... seems like too much science fiction. I only recently got an ordinary cellphone. I held off getting one under this philosophy... I don't know anyone I like that much that they can't wait till I get to a pay phone!

[JoDeeVa]

So, you went ahead, dissed and ditched me VERY publicly, got your groove on with every other tramp (except for Grandma Ginny who we all know is a saint)
to come down the pike and...

NOW, you want me back in your arms and hot, sweaty little hands with thumbs like sausages? NOW, that I'm a cheap(er) $200 dinner-date, you realize how much you missed my voice...mail feature? NOW you want to see me again? NOW you swear on our love, sending sweet kisses and say you are so much than the obvious $$$ grubbing Black(hearted)berry lover that you are?

NOW is my sweetly-kissed revenge! NOW is the time I tell you to kiss-off! NOW is the time I add a $100 credit if you had only believed in me! NOW is when I revel in your $500 rejection fee. But, mostly..NOW is the time I will "I-PH**K you, my sweet, with a sweet kiss-my-arse!

Thanks for the laugh, Chris, my sweet!

[chinohillster]

But will you still love her when her price drops even lower (as it eventually will)?

How does she know that you won't be seduced by the new Nanos? Or something else that Steve Jobs has up his sleeve? How can she trust you????

[radicalcentrist44]

This blog would be so good on The Onion. You need to submit this.

[chriscase]

Chris here. Thanks or the compliment. I would submit it to the onion but I just started my own comedy site. theFNGR.com. Check it out.

[situationcritical]

I think it's wonderful of you to take your boyfriend back. But he's got a little competition in the iPod Touch.

Let's face it, we could all use a nice Touch couldn't we?

[kellygrrrl]

Chris, try Match.com, brother.

[RanMan07]

Chris, you are out of your mind. Thanks for the laugh.

P.S. I read your first love letter when you dumped her.

[dadw5boys]

Tell Chris I saw her.
She was in a recycle bin being harassed by an old bag phone. I could only figure the old bag was jealouse of her slick lines and has called the attendant to have her removed from the bin for distracting her mate, with her sexy lines. I do belive the attendant worked it out the Iphone had to adjust her cover.
IPHONES can't live with'em and can't turn them off.

[LiarLiarIraqsOnFire]

Funny you should mention the BagPhone; my parents still have a BagPhone. It weighs in around five pounds and when the ancient batteries finally refused to take a charge I had to contact the company to special order a new one($50 + shipping). Of course my Dad still has a Curtiss Mathis console TV that has a rotary dial for channel control and a remote control that is connected to the TV through a wire, and a top-loading VCR (also with rotary dial control). Still, thanks for the trip down memory lane.