Get Over Yourselves, Airports

Years ago, we used to have a feature on Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher called "Get Over Yourself." It was given to the person or place most in need of lightening the fuck up. There's nothing that needs to lighten up more than airports -- or more specifically, our national attitude about airports.

I flew back to Los Angeles from Portland, OR last night on an airline that shall remain nameless (hint: the name rhymes with "Horizon Air, a regional carrier for Alaska Airlines"). When my wife and I got to the airport, we were informed that I was checked in but she was in danger of being bumped off the flight because it was oversold. I reacted to this news by informing the agent I felt that this was "unfair." The ticket was pre-purchased. We were traveling together. It was the last flight of the night and we needed to be on it. I was firm but I wasn't overly aggressive -- no cursing, no loud talking, no six vodka tonics before boarding (three, max). Plain and simple, the woman behind the counter was being a derogatory term for the female anatomy. I asked if I could speak to a supervisor, to which she replied, "Go sit down or you can talk to the police." After I wondered aloud if Sting and Stuart Copeland were on the flight, she repeated herself. "Go sit down or you can talk to the police." Yep, she was serious. She was trying to turn a minor disagreement into a jail-worthy confrontation.

On my way back to my chair, Carol Gotbaum popped into my mind. In case you forgot, she's the woman who died while in police custody in the Phoenix airport. She's been on my mind ever since a friend told me last week that he knows the family. And it got me thinking. Is this what it has come to in America? If I dare to demand that a contract I entered into with a service provider be honored, they threaten me with the police? Airports aren't airports anymore. They're Communist China.

If you want evidence that the terrorists have already gone a long way toward achieving their goals, look no farther than American airports. We have become so oversensitive at airports they're close to becoming college campuses. I mean, sure, taser a kid for yelling at John Kerry. If that kid had gone any farther, he could have ignited an open exchange of ideas. And we can't have that at our educational institutions. But don't threaten me with the cops because I want some decent service. Imaging being turned away from a sporting event because they sold your seat twice -- doesn't happen.

In America it seems like we react with senseless emotion first and logic way later, if ever. Think about terrorists in airports. Have they ever gone out of their way to call attention to themselves? No. They do to the opposite. They try to blend in. They HIDE AMONG US. They don't reek of booze or act demanding in line. And by the way, so far, none of them have been 45 year-old soccer moms from the Upper West Side on the way to rehab.

Last night, if I didn't have a couple of kids to get home to, I might have requested that the airline employee call the police. I could have told them that someone was attempting to steal from me. I paid for something and then that person I paid refused to give it to me. You can go to jail for that. I just wanted a cramped seat in coach on a musty airplane with a bunch of farting sleeping old people (I know it was you, lady in the orange sweater).

It's not really airports that need to get over themselves. It's us as a society that has turned these dung heaps of human misery into modern Indian burial grounds -- walk with respect and don't look sideways. The terrorists hit us once. Hard. They changed our way of life. I have the confiscated bottles of Aveda Confixor to prove it. But can we just take a deep breath and realize that even in these bad times, people still have bad days, even at airports. We've suffered enough. Let's not live by the motto "Don't freak out in an airport -- OR YOU MIGHT DIE."

Comments

[cynara]

As a resident of San Diego, I am one of the lucky ones. I can either fly out of facist, mind-your-line, San Diego international airport, where airline employees are as rude to you as possible, and security guards behave like Nazi guards, or I can fly out of Tijuana airport.

Oh sure, it may take three hours to get back across the border after a flight from TJ, especially if your flight gets in on a Sunday evening. But, for the customer service alone, its worth it. Employees are usually friendly, and I have been rushed to a plane more than once after boarding was closed.

Security is adequate but not paranoid evil. I was stopped once for trying to carry on a tin of thinner (incredibly stupid on my part, but a genuine no-brain accident). The security guard saw this on the x-ray, told me nicely that I wouldn't be able to take it on the plane, but that they would hold it for me, so that I could retrieve it from them on the return trip. (I was so embarrassed, I never came back to get it). That said, I can only imagine what a horrible, interrogational incident that may have been if I had been flying out of San Diego instead.

Its not a perfect airport, but at least they treat their customers as customers, not potential terrorists.

[zizyphus]

TSA is another manifestation of our corrupt, jack-booted fascist-leaning government. They are running a racket stealing things from the suitcases they are inspecting!

My family recently flew to Alaska and back to Hawaii. On the return flight, my husband packed some baggies of aspirin and tylenol, as well as some expensive pain medication, in his suitcase. When his bag came off the carousel, I could see that the tape he put around it had been carelessly ripped open, twisted up and re-taped. When he got home, looked in the bag, all the medicines were gone.

He was not aware that he should have put those meds in his carry-on.

As a smoker, arriving in Seattle, I was told to go outside to smoke, and would have to go through security again to re-enter waiting area.
Instead, I found a family restroom, locked the door, lit up, and read the newspaper in perfect comfort and privacy.

If Americans don't speak up soon, the body-scanning and cavity searches will be routine on flights, and we will have no one but ourselves to blame.

[BeyondKen]

>I found a family restroom, locked the door, lit up, and read the newspaper in perfect comfort and privacy.
Was this how you got that 'cavity search'?

[Pseudonym]

Gee, how nice for the next parent who needs to change their baby's diaper in a smoke filled room - unless of course they couldn't even get in due to the door being locked...

[zizyphus]

You know, I thought about that, but since the airport itself is just a cloud of exhaust fumes from jets and cars, I decided the fumes from one cigarette wasn't that big of a deal.

The bathroom next to it had a couple dozen stalls, changing tables, counters, etc.

People would knock, then go to the one next door.

I highly recommend the family bathrooms to all nicotine addicts.

[GladysKnightsPIP]

Most security is eye candy...........

And in addition to millions of burger flipping jobs, Americans now have millions of jobs for imbeciles who frisk people.

Tourism to the USA is down 25 percent even with the weak US dollar.

If I take 2000 Euros to the USA I would get 2800 dollars and STILL I have no desire to go there.

Its costing you Americans BILLIONS in lost tourism revenue.

Frankly, most Europeans who have been to the USA have been very disappointed. The word is going round and people are shunning America, in more ways than one.

[desthmoneses]

please you think European tourists are fed up with America, I live in L.A. half the people here dream about living somewhere with no homicides or asshole cops that love to harass just about anyone they can. If you ask almost anyone in this city they'll say the same thing about LAPD, their the cities biggest gang

[dobberdoss]

Do something about it, become a cop, get a legal badge/gun & bring them down from the inside! be the best whistleblower ever in the LAPD

[Boyaca]

As Americans, have you thought about the fact that since 9-11 Airport Security has killed more passengers in the USA than terrorist organizations? And countless numbers hauled off to jail to boot. Between the US and Canada I can think of four, the lady in Scottsdale, that poor guy off his meds in Florida, the poor guy tasered in Canada and the guy that was having a fit on a plane and some dumb fuck jumped up and down on his chest until he died. Not counting the ones who are hauled off air planes in the USA and taken to secret prisons and tortured There are probably more but those come to mind right now. Has Blackwater taken over Airport Security in North America? If not, it sure seems like a like minded organization. People should be afraid, very afraid, to go to their local airport in the good old USA and Canada.

[InsaneDisabled]

It makes the majority of the sheep happy to see the few sheep that act a little bit like wolves get hassled. It convinces the herd that no wolf could hide! This despite that fact that these days sheep costumes aren't hard to make; just dye your fur and put a vacuous expression on your face. And *don't* show your teeth!

All these airport "precautions" do nothing to improve safety. What would help is a little addendum to the always-ignored safety lecture. Remember, it was the *passengers* who stopped Flight 93 and got the shoe bomber, and now that we're warned it'll be the passengers who take down any other terrorist.

What it won't be is confiscating toothpaste.

I, personally, must fly when I travel -- it's painful, but short. I also need a tall walking stick which somebody always tries to confiscate. I did check it once, and I even got it back three days later!

So where's the real danger? Maintenance workers -- food service and janitorial. They're poorly screened, badly paid, and have access. Think about *that* the next time you fly!

Oh, and remember -- even in 2001, you were more likely to be struck by lightening than be killed by a terrorist. And *way* more likely to be hit by a car.

[desthmoneses]

more people actually died in traffic accidents in 2000 than in the twin towers, WTF. Honestly 9/11 was sad and all but we should have just made our peace forgiven the terrorists and moved on, but then again that would hurt our pride.

[Joeseo]

Dont blame the airport. This is a manifestation of Cheney's Corporate American Fascism. The bottom line Corporate calculations for the Airline Execs is optimum seat occupancy. The numbers are crunched as thousands and thousands wait, then the cancellations start. All this in the name of security; a factor for which Cheney's minions get protection for abuse and breaking the law. Not one CEO was held negligent as FOUR planes got hi-jacked on 9/11.

Threats to call the police are common as clay at our airports. It is Fascism. Cheney's Corporate Pals do, in fact, steal every day from passengers time, dignity and civic rights.

We Americans are no longer able to withstand
Corporate America as it treats us and defines us as Consumers, not citizens.
s

[drkazmd65]

Man are you right.

One one of my most recent flights this last summer was (in theory) not oversold. The night before the flight, like the good little passenger that I was, I checked in online, got my seat reservation, and everything appeared hunky-dory for the 8:00am flight next day.

Sometime over that night, somebody made an executive decision at the airline to downgrade the plane size to one of those flying pencils. In doing so, after most of us had already checked in AND printed our boarding passes, they bumped about 15 of 'us' off the flight.

For once, it was no skin off my nose to take a later flight (I was coming back from a funeral on a weekend so no worries on arrival times) so I took the offer of a voucher and a later flight.

Several others that were also bumped from that flight were NOT amused. One guy in particular very easily could have found himself speaking to 'security' if the booking agent had been less tolerant.

It was a business decision by the airline, no-doubt based on cost savings with a slightly underbooked flight,... but damn it got them a lot of bad word of mouth PR.

But,... they don't really care. They know they have you over a barrel. Customer service really has become a thing of the past.

[Boyaca]

I live in Colombia South America. I am a frequent flyer, I travel to all South American countries. But back to Colombia. As most people know the country has had an ongoing civil war for the past 40 years. But you do not have the foolishness at El Dorado, in Bogota, that you have in every single American city at airports. In Colombia travellers are treated with respect and airport security is minimal. Does not that tell you Americans something? Don't you think that you have rolled over to the immature fantasy s of the Maxwell Smarts in your society? Don't you think that you allowed them to scare the living bejeesus out of you for no good reason? I saw your presi-dunce on TV this morning still beating the drum about Alqueda wanting to harm Americans. You guys have got to gather up your guts and face the menace that your government has become. You have got to take your country back from the toy soldiers and police that have taken it from you. You have to get a grip on what has become for you an international embarrassment. The rest of the world, when not crying for you, and what has become of you, is laughing its collective head off, at you. Jeesus, please grow up and get those lunies out of your face.

[WaspMan]

Man, you are so right. And we are trying to get rid of these guys. But Fascists are tough to get rid of. They have all the money, and all the power. And they use little people like airport clerks to their advantage by making them drunk with power.

This is how Saddam did it, and this is what the Burmese/Myanamar Junta does. They give unimportant people silly regulations to enforce, and then, they give them the power to enforce those rules. Power corrupts.

[boomer1949]

Maybe we could invite you to speak before a joint session of our Congress. Nobody else has been able to get through to them.

[WilliePilgrim]

Why does the price of freedom always have to be my freedom and the lives of thousands of young soldiers. I'd much rather have the "price of freedom" be a little uncertainty in life and the occasional skyscraper filled with millionaires. Oh, and as far as skyjacking any airplanes; while I wouldn't want to be on one where a skyjacking is about to take place, I really wouldnt want to be the guy who thinks he could actually survive the first few minutes of being pulled apart with bare hands by passengers who see that as a better alternative to waiting even an instant to see if the would be hijacker is serious.
TSA is simply the wedge that is destined to create the kind of society we all desperately fear but fear has us lapping it up like milk.
A little truth in the administration would be a step in the right direction.

[MikeDu]

Whenever some chowderhead gives me that line 'Freedom isn't free" my reply lately has been "Since you brought it up, let's list some of the OTHER things that freedom isn't!"

[HuffingPuffing]

Right with you there buddy... we should all remind the chowderheads about the "freedom" to have our phones tapped, the "freedom" for our tax-dollars to subsidize and fund private mercenary armies like Blackwater instead of say, healthcare for kids, the "freedom" to wonder if this criminal cabal will indeed relinquish power once their term expires... that's "freedom", ain't it?

[emjay1954]

With air travel today as with so many other things in 21st century America, the rich have shifted their burdens onto everyone else. First, there is the "express first class line" for getting through security. If by some twisted logic, we all need to stand in line to take off our shoes, why should rich people get cutsies. Second, increasing numbers of the superrich are flying private planes that congest the airways and lead to more delays. Yet private planes are not paying their fair share--they get to pay discounted rates, although one guy in a private jet uses up just as much of the airspace, functionally speaking, as a jumbo jet.

[nomoredead]

I see that too and am seriously considering flying bussiness next time to Asia.

[catcat]

I flew this summer through Heathrow, GB just a day after the Glasgow Airport got attacked and it was hightend security alert. Still airport personal there was very professional and calm and much much nicer then in the American Airports. The whole security checking is a joke anyway. I've walked with little bottles in my pocketbook through and they didn't even notice!
Another thing is the airlines, they behave like they are little gods :-) and the things they do! 2 month ago they bumped my 15 year old son of his flight from New Jersey to San Francisco and put him 3 hrs later on a flight to San Jose. He asked them: are you going to bring me from there to SF? because that's were my parents are waiting and they just said no, they could not help him with that. It's just amazing what they do and something like that has not happend to us for the first time. Also forget the vouchers they offer you, it's much too complicated to use them from our experience.

[johannesrolf]

don't fly? I needed to get from NYC to Louisville, Kentucky. Train? 24 hours by train to Chicago, with layovers. then a bus to Louisville. total travel time 36 hours. by plane, FOUR hours with a change of planes. Get real, people.

[WIpatriot]

Don't go, then, I say. What is so important in Louisville, anyway?

[M1nkyb0y]

I don't fly anymore. I drive anywhere I want to go. I am a retired FAA person and I used to fly in the cockpit for "familiarization flights". That was gone on 9/11 of course, but the new stormtrooper attitude at airports is just too much for me. Are they giving these airplane rides for free or something? Aren't you customers?
You're right the terrorists won.
And now it will cost as much to drive as to fly with the fuel costs. But I don't have to get an anal probe or threats to jump in the car.
I have a feeling I'm not alone. I pity the business traveler.

[MikeDu]

I'm with you all the way. Its an affront to my dinity to be treated like a criminal for no cause (I *may* be one of those half million people now filling Bush's terror watch list). Factor in those unscheduled layovers in Chicago, the two hours of waiting on the tarmac, and the lost valuables - an eight hour car drive doesn't sound all that bad anymore.

[hellinabucket]

Exactly! By the time I drive to an airport, check in , stand in security & wait for the delayed flight, I coulda been there had I driven. My last flight 8/2 sched. at 11am PHL didn't leave til 12am the next morning, but all day they kept announcing a new flight time & then rescheduling it so 11 became 3, 3 became 6, 6 became 9 finally 9 became 12. I coulda spent some time on the town had I known I had an extra 12 hours there! So I got to my destination & had to file a baggage claim at 3 in the morning, just one baggage guy handling the whole flight none of whom had bags! At 5:30 the next morning, I was on my way to drive home, but had to pull over & sleep a few hrs so I could make it all the way! I ended up getting home about 12pm a full 25 hours after what should have been les sthan a 2 hr. flight! My bags arrived 2 days later. It took me days to recover from the jet lag. Screw that! I will drive next time & be able to take ALL(!) my stuff with me! So much for that cheap ticket-not such a bargain after all!

[cowalker]

I blame the current paranoid chaos that is an American airport on two things. One is the ridiculous federally mandated security pageant, and the other is that the airline system is selling more service than they can deliver. It is the constant pressure to meet impossible schedules that results in a lot of the rudeness, and airline employees resorting to intimidation to justify corporate bad behavior.

It is simply nuts that they sell seats twice. Just stop it, airlines! Next, cut back on the number of flights to the level that airports, personnel and airplanes can actually sustain. OK, people won't always be able to get a flight at short notice. The cost of tickets will go up. But the flying experience will improve. If they got that extra two inches of space, a guaranteed seat and polite treatment, people who now shun flight might be lured back.

Either we'll improve/en­large/buil­d new airports and start new airlines to meet the demand, or people will find other solutions. The price of oil is only going to go up. What about reviving train systems? That would have the bonus effect of getting some of the behemoth trucks off our crumbling bridges and highways. Let's get inventive and creative. That's what America used to be known for.

BTW, re the inadequate seat space. Don't you love all the articles that appear regularly advising you to get up and move up and down the aisles of a plane to avoid blood clots? Yeah, like while the plane is waiting on the runway, and you can't even go to the bathroom? While the attendants are blocking the aisles with carts while they hawk drinks and jewelry? And how can ALL the passengers possibly do this when planes are so packed that it would result in chaos. Everytime I see one of those solemn health advisories it makes me want to shake the author. Don't they get it? Blood clots are just one of the risks of flying. If you don't like it, don't fly.

[WIpatriot]

I don't.

[Champlain13]

TRUE STORY - My brother works for homeland security. As part of his job he carries a firearm when he travels on air planes. As part of the procedure for getting on the plane he meets with TSA in a room where they review his paperwork. After a routine review TSA gave him clearance to carry the firearm on a certain flight. Then the TSA agent asked to look at his toletries. The agent determined that his toothpaste was over 3 oz, therefore he could not board the flight with the toothpaste. In short:

Gun OK

Toothpaste NOT OK.

TSA = Thousands Standing Around

[NCDog]

Friend is an Air Marshal and Navy reservist. After clearing him with a firearm they (TSA) weren't going to let him fly because he carried a sword!!!

[SouthJerseySteve]

He may "squirt" toothpaste on the flight attendants skirt and upset her, causing severe harm and risk the safety of the fellow passengers.

[JimR]

It has become insane at airports. There's got to be a middle ground.

Have to comment about the kid who got tased at the Kerry event, as you brought it up. There are very real examples of our civil liberties being eroded. That is NOT one of them. That guy wanted only to disrupt the event for one of his little prank videos, forcing his way ahead of 40 other students who had been patiently waiting in line.

[pinchme]

He was pulling a little prank? Sounds like tasering was too good for the lunatic!

[JimR]

Let's see... he was tasered, got right up, never went to the hospital and by all accounts suffered no further ill effects.

But if the police had used greater physical force while he was flailing his arms and legs around, there was a very real risk they could have broken his arm, or caused some other more permanent physical damage. (Which is exactly why they did NOT use greater physical force.)

I guess you prefer he got really hurt. What do you have against the kid, exactly?