Get Over Yourselves, Airports

Years ago, we used to have a feature on Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher called "Get Over Yourself." It was given to the person or place most in need of lightening the fuck up. There's nothing that needs to lighten up more than airports -- or more specifically, our national attitude about airports.

I flew back to Los Angeles from Portland, OR last night on an airline that shall remain nameless (hint: the name rhymes with "Horizon Air, a regional carrier for Alaska Airlines"). When my wife and I got to the airport, we were informed that I was checked in but she was in danger of being bumped off the flight because it was oversold. I reacted to this news by informing the agent I felt that this was "unfair." The ticket was pre-purchased. We were traveling together. It was the last flight of the night and we needed to be on it. I was firm but I wasn't overly aggressive -- no cursing, no loud talking, no six vodka tonics before boarding (three, max). Plain and simple, the woman behind the counter was being a derogatory term for the female anatomy. I asked if I could speak to a supervisor, to which she replied, "Go sit down or you can talk to the police." After I wondered aloud if Sting and Stuart Copeland were on the flight, she repeated herself. "Go sit down or you can talk to the police." Yep, she was serious. She was trying to turn a minor disagreement into a jail-worthy confrontation.

On my way back to my chair, Carol Gotbaum popped into my mind. In case you forgot, she's the woman who died while in police custody in the Phoenix airport. She's been on my mind ever since a friend told me last week that he knows the family. And it got me thinking. Is this what it has come to in America? If I dare to demand that a contract I entered into with a service provider be honored, they threaten me with the police? Airports aren't airports anymore. They're Communist China.

If you want evidence that the terrorists have already gone a long way toward achieving their goals, look no farther than American airports. We have become so oversensitive at airports they're close to becoming college campuses. I mean, sure, taser a kid for yelling at John Kerry. If that kid had gone any farther, he could have ignited an open exchange of ideas. And we can't have that at our educational institutions. But don't threaten me with the cops because I want some decent service. Imaging being turned away from a sporting event because they sold your seat twice -- doesn't happen.

In America it seems like we react with senseless emotion first and logic way later, if ever. Think about terrorists in airports. Have they ever gone out of their way to call attention to themselves? No. They do to the opposite. They try to blend in. They HIDE AMONG US. They don't reek of booze or act demanding in line. And by the way, so far, none of them have been 45 year-old soccer moms from the Upper West Side on the way to rehab.

Last night, if I didn't have a couple of kids to get home to, I might have requested that the airline employee call the police. I could have told them that someone was attempting to steal from me. I paid for something and then that person I paid refused to give it to me. You can go to jail for that. I just wanted a cramped seat in coach on a musty airplane with a bunch of farting sleeping old people (I know it was you, lady in the orange sweater).

It's not really airports that need to get over themselves. It's us as a society that has turned these dung heaps of human misery into modern Indian burial grounds -- walk with respect and don't look sideways. The terrorists hit us once. Hard. They changed our way of life. I have the confiscated bottles of Aveda Confixor to prove it. But can we just take a deep breath and realize that even in these bad times, people still have bad days, even at airports. We've suffered enough. Let's not live by the motto "Don't freak out in an airport -- OR YOU MIGHT DIE."

Comments

[mbjesq]

I was at Logan -- the airport "security" that brought you 9/11 -- and participated in the mind-games produced by TSA's crazy mess-up of the lane dividers approaching the screening stations, such that one line moved at about 20 times the speed of the other two; but we passengers we assigned lines rather than allowing to chose them ourselves. The woman ahead of me pointed out the error to one of the security people, who advised her, "If you don't like it, don't fly." She was stunned, but said nothing back -- no doubt for fear that they would punish her somehow. (I mentioned the incident to one of the supervisors, once I was safely through the ordeal-by-maze.

It is interesting to compare our airport insanity with security in India, a country which actual, recurrent terrorism. (See, for example, http://memestreamblog.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/airport-threat-of-menstruation/.) Even under the high alert that accompanied their 60th anneversary of independence, the insanity was of the funny type, not the tremulous variety.

[LIR]

It is also interesting how Israelis, familiar with terrorism also, manage to run a very efficient screening and airport process.
Insolence from airport or plane employees should never be tolerated. Report it to TSA or airlines immediately, without getting too irate initially and ending up with some cop cuffing you or worse!

[clairmonde]

I travel a lot (290 cities in 20 countries) and grew up the daughter of a commercial pilot. I used to love flying and I have grown up in the system.

Now I hate it. I hate how everyone is on pins and needles and we are all scared to comment or act in a non-conformist manner for fear of arrest.

I can't tell you how many times my conditioner has been taken away. I now have to argue that my newly updated non-prescription medication (it is now sold from behind the pharmacy counter) is still a medication that needs to stay sterile in the container.

But here is the kicker... I have my bottle of perfume creme and my proactive.­.. guess what I do with them? I stuff them into my bra and hide the perfume in my tights! That's right... if I really wanted to do something bad to start with I would not leave my liquids in my carry on.

I am not an American, I come from that country to the north, and I feel I should be able to comment on my views or what I think of the system without fear of arrest. But that is the state of mind the airports now project.

I still try to find humor when going through security by walking through the security booth like an actor coming out on stage for her final applause. Thank goodness some security officials enjoy the humor as well. When frisked I ask what time our diner date is on Friday. I button up my suite jacket and refuse to take it off for religious reasons - I can not expose my arms! Of course I only do this if I am not running late.

This is a timely article given the new body scanners they are trying to shove down our throats.

This is an excellent study in how you can slowly control a populous. All I want is to keep the same bottle of conditioner from one city to the next... those things are expensive!

[iburl]

You're obviously conducting a dry run for a team of Canadian religious extremists who hate our freedoms.

[juliette23]

I suppose I should also be grateful that I was not treated as a criminal or worse for being overwrought in the Phoenix airport on my way to my grandfather's funeral. I felt deeply for Mrs. Gotbaum situation. What happened to her could happen to any of us.

[juliette23]

Given the sorry state of airline customer service (hi, Virgin America!) and the rising price of oil plus the dollar tanking worldwide, I guess it's a good time to stay home for a while.

[NickHP]

Just got back from a weekend trip. Washington DC to Vancouver. Cramped in economy class on United Air Lines. The aisle seats had been removed from availability and the only spread out seats were in the emergency rows which had been relabeled 'economy plus'. Plus what? They were generally empty while the economy class seats were jammed. You could upgrade for $39 per leg of the flight. Great. Got to milk that last humane dollar from the fliers.

Oh, and thanks to UAL for cancelling my frequent flyer account because it didn't get enough use, zeroing out my modest number of points and making it so that my preference for the aisle seats was lost, so that when I did buy a ticket I got to squeeze my 6 foot 2 inch body into the window seat. I had to repress a strong instinctive urge to push the seat back in front of me forward when the occupant tilted it back.

All this while dreaming of the joy that I used to get with airline food service, now gone. And not even real magazines. Just the crappy air advertising. And what's with TV shows in place of movies? Followed by advertisements for the new Spiderman video. Ughhh.

[LIR]

Or drive, if doing domestic travel. I am not a big fan of trains...t­oo many people feel that they need to broadcast to the whole car their conversations on a cell...no, I don't care about your business deal or your recipes! Buses are way too slow.

[rmreddicks]

Just a thought...­,
1. avoid flying one-way on short notice. It gets ugly fast.
2. car rentals in such a situation are excessive.
3. (A hint from someone who must remain un-named.) Rent a u-haul or budget truck (or company of your choice) if it works for you timewise. It's fairly inexpensive. (except for gas.) You get to see the countryside. No one asks if your name is Tim McVeigh or notices if you're a blind sheik. It smells like uh, uh, f-f-f-r-reedom! There. I've said it. You can cuff me now.

[guitarbuddy]

Buses aren't just too slow, they're horrible. The terminals are seedy, and you just feel dirty taking them. I don't have that feeling taking buses in other countries, just here. This was corroborated by a woman from Australia I met in Mexico a few years ago. She had started her vacation in the US, and after Greyhound she said she would never return to the US.