How to Make the 2008 Election as Compelling as Reality TV

Awards Seasons is over. Cue reality season. Thursday night American Idol cut down to sixteen hopefuls. Before this week I had never seen the show. Ever. Just don't care. Hate karaoke. And ballads. And people with a dream. "I want to be a celebrity" is not a dream. It's a personality disorder. But for some reason, I decided to check it out. I have to admit they have a tight little product. It's not surprising that six times the number of votes were cast on the last season of Idol than in the last presidential election. Do we have our priorities straight or what? I know, you can vote more than once for Idol - I'll get back to that.

That other season, election season, is also gathering "speed." On Wednesday night, John McCain announced on Letterman that he is running for President. But this wasn't the official announcement. He won't really announce until April. Or he'll at least announce that an announcement is coming. Exciting, huh? Coupled with the Hillary-Obama pillow fight over comments made by David Geffen, election season is off to a nap-tastic start.

How do we make politics interesting in this reality show culture? To me, it's obvious. The 2008 election should be the 7th season of American Idol. Screw the primaries. The election process takes a year and a half. It makes the NBA regular season seem meaningful. The candidates are busy. The people are busy. Iowa and Connecticut are busy. Let's get really focused for twelve weeks in the fall of '08 and pick a new leader. The country will be out of undiscovered talent show never-weres by then anyway.

Each candidate has a classic Idol story: Hillary, done wrong by a cheatin' man, is running for the office he disgraced. John McCain was locked in a box by Charlie - for five years! Rudy Giuliani, the type who got remarried because he missed the cheating, has found love after battling prostate cancer and Times Square smut. Barack Obama is a mixed-race nicotine addict whose middle name is Hussein. (How long until Fox News produces the birth certificate? Breaking News: Obama's full given name is "Barack Hussein John Wayne Gacy Hitler Baby Fucker Obama.")

We have the personal stories. We have the issues. The candidates are all pretty equal. How to break away from the pack? Sing your ass off, that's how. Hillary belts out "Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?," dedicated to Bill. Joe Biden starts to sing, but he can't because his foot is in his mouth. And here comes that edgy Muslim Obama with a blunt and a forty telling us, "Life ain't nothing but bitches and money."

And how great would it be to see Simon judge Hillary. "Sweetheart, you're shrill. You clearly hate fun. And please wear something other than a red or blue knee-high dress. You've got junk in the trunk. Use it." What a treat to watch Randy Jackson put his head in his hands and tell John Edwards, the John Ritter-lite, "I just didn't feel ya, dawg. You were off message." Or Paula, with that ridiculous cascading hair triangle that my wife says is called a "fall," which apparently is named after what she does after each taping, talking to Rudy Giuliani about the terrible events of 11-9.

What I wouldn't give to hear "to vote for John McCain text the word "vote" to "3706." And he's up there mouthing "six" to remind you of his number. It is no less demeaning than shaking hands at a bake sale in Davenport. And yes, you let the people vote as many times as they want. Standard messaging rates apply. That's right. Make people pay to vote. At a buck a pop, we could wipe out of the deficit and invade a few more shithole countries. People won't pay to vote, you say? Just put a sweepstakes in there. Answer a simple question and be entered to win. One stone, many birds. You can be entertained, vote for president, and enter to win a 65-inch plasma TV. Because isn't that phat TV what American life is really all about? To me, it seems like the perfect solution. But what do I know? According to the show on after Idol, I'm not smarter than a fifth grader.