The head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE - coolest acronym ever!), Julie Myers, told a Senate committee this week that if we were to detain and deport all of the illegal aliens here, it would cost $100 billion. And that's not even counting the emotional toll from the loss of chorizo-laced breakfast burritos. Just to put it perspective, the $100 billion number is roughly triple the budget for the Department of Homeland Security. It seems that there are two problems here.
A spokesperson for ICE said that the cost analysis did not include finding the immigrants, giving them transportation, or talking them into giving up their sweet janitor jobs. Turns out sending people back to a third-world dung heap is not as easy as clearing out a bar at last call. "Sorry, Mexicans, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!" That fact is that kicking the illegal aliens out of here just isn't cost effective. After all, we need that money to piss away in Iraq.
So, here we are. Under funded on the one hand and too many of those damn pesky immigrants living here illegally on the other. So, what to do?
The solution is obvious: give Homeland Security to the illegal immigrants.
Now, I'm not saying let the illegals run Homeland Security - that would be insane. Imagine the outrage if, for example, a standing president sold control of our ports to the Arabs. It would NEVER happen. No, we would keep control of Homeland. We're Americans. That's how we roll. After all, who could possibly know more about running large, inept organizations full of angry, disillusioned people than the American government and maybe the guy who owns the Sixers? So we keep control.
But to have the illegal immigrants as foot soldiers in the war on brown poor people is a no-brainer. Who would you rather have guarding our borders -- some chunky white guy named Clem who runs the forty in just over six days, or the Mexican guy who just took the gold in the swim, run, and ride-in-a-hot-truck triathlon?
Think about it: Foreigners, living here, taking jobs from Americans. Consider it the ultimate IN-sourcing.
Homeland Security gets some super cheap and much needed labor (we don't need no stinking health insurance) and the illegal immigration problem is solved. We make them citizens and even throw in a bonus - for every year you work, two relatives get to come over free!
I can see Bush at the news conference now: "We'll fight them over there and then when they get over here because we couldn't keep them over there, we'll use them to fight the people over here who we wanted to keep over there."