The Perfect Solution For Immigration

The head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE - coolest acronym ever!), Julie Myers, told a Senate committee this week that if we were to detain and deport all of the illegal aliens here, it would cost $100 billion. And that's not even counting the emotional toll from the loss of chorizo-laced breakfast burritos. Just to put it perspective, the $100 billion number is roughly triple the budget for the Department of Homeland Security. It seems that there are two problems here.

A spokesperson for ICE said that the cost analysis did not include finding the immigrants, giving them transportation, or talking them into giving up their sweet janitor jobs. Turns out sending people back to a third-world dung heap is not as easy as clearing out a bar at last call. "Sorry, Mexicans, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!" That fact is that kicking the illegal aliens out of here just isn't cost effective. After all, we need that money to piss away in Iraq.

So, here we are. Under funded on the one hand and too many of those damn pesky immigrants living here illegally on the other. So, what to do?

The solution is obvious: give Homeland Security to the illegal immigrants.

Now, I'm not saying let the illegals run Homeland Security - that would be insane. Imagine the outrage if, for example, a standing president sold control of our ports to the Arabs. It would NEVER happen. No, we would keep control of Homeland. We're Americans. That's how we roll. After all, who could possibly know more about running large, inept organizations full of angry, disillusioned people than the American government and maybe the guy who owns the Sixers? So we keep control.

But to have the illegal immigrants as foot soldiers in the war on brown poor people is a no-brainer. Who would you rather have guarding our borders -- some chunky white guy named Clem who runs the forty in just over six days, or the Mexican guy who just took the gold in the swim, run, and ride-in-a-hot-truck triathlon?

Think about it: Foreigners, living here, taking jobs from Americans. Consider it the ultimate IN-sourcing.

Homeland Security gets some super cheap and much needed labor (we don't need no stinking health insurance) and the illegal immigration problem is solved. We make them citizens and even throw in a bonus - for every year you work, two relatives get to come over free!

I can see Bush at the news conference now: "We'll fight them over there and then when they get over here because we couldn't keep them over there, we'll use them to fight the people over here who we wanted to keep over there."

Comments

[net50]

Why are Americans so blind as to assume that any person in the democratic party and some republicans, could manage being President of the USA? They refuse to listen to the American people as we shout that we want our Immigration Department to do their jobs. The very thought of testimony of what it would cost is phony. Any of the people who see themselves as our next president have had a chance to stop the illegal immigration in it's tracks. If you make it a nation wide law that employers MUST verify a persons legality to obtain a job in our country, then they would leave on their own.
We are not that dumb. These members do not have the nerve and grit it takes to be over our country's law enforcement or military. They have had the opportunity as a member of Congress to stop the never ending cycle on illegals entering our country. None of these people even slightly understand the rage that Americans feel, that Gutierrez is selling our borders to Mexico out of the trunk of his car in secret meetings, and none of Washington even pretends to pay attention. If presidential wanta be's cannot do anything to peacefully secure our country from within, they do not deserve being over our justice or military. Rather than forcing the illegals out by law, they simply want to change the law to cover the illegals. Who among them can do this job? The American working class do not trust anyone in the running currently.
They are selling us out to Trade, Big Business, and our tainted Commerce Department. We will all be working for peanuts before this congress leaves. Hopefully, we will completely turn over Congress to a new group of people who want to defend our country as we know it. Perhaps today's twenties crowd will vote this time for "what", or perhaps "who" they are willing to work and pay taxes for. Every illegal immigrant inside our country are dependents, costing them money, real money!

[CLR]

Take a look at Tancredo. You might like what you see.

[DrVeruju]

Enforce our laws and get rid of NAFTA.

Illegals should return home and reclaim their governments - and we should reclaim ours, too.

[DrColes]

80% of the American people want an end to anarchy!

Illegal workers are criminals, those who hire them are criminals and those who aid-and-abet them are criminals.

Illegal aliens in America have NO rights. We are required by law to arrest and prosecute, deport them.

No, matter your political party affiliation, and setting aside your thoughts on issues. We all need to remember what it is to be an American Citizen. We need to make sure our elected representatives obey their Oath of Office and keep their Oath of Allegiance.

See http://tinyurl.com/2znnvl Know whom you are voting for.

[NKVD4ever]

Only $100 billion to get rid of all illegals, lets pass around the collection plate! I'll pitch in!

[1will]

The perfect solution for immmigration, fence our Souther border and fund more Border Patrol agents.

[dora_rice]

How can it cost 100 Billions for deportation, if you tell them to go back the same way they came from.

[CLR]

We spend BILLIONS to provide health care and education for ILLEGALS. I don't mind taking those billions to get them the hell our of our country. We need to heavily fine all those who hire ILLEGALS and return to the original intent of the 14th amendment and do away with anchor babies.

[hjo4]

I totally agree.It cost more in the long run not deporting them.That's what we're not being told.How about granting amnesty to all the non-violent criminals that's clogging our prison system,seperating families.They deserve amnesty before illegl aliens.

[flatus]

It is called "Law": the thing that stands between us and chaos.

[oldpotsmuggler]

Civil disobedience has an interesting history in our country.

[milo9]

So does vigilante justice.

[cynara]

Actually, I would venture to guess that there are many more first generation Mexican Americans in the border patrol in the southern states than chunky white guy named Clem. Which is weird, because, at least of what I've seen, many of them have parents who came here illegally, then got legalized (back when this was possible), now their out smashing the dreams of people just like their parents.

I mean, I think most Americans, no matter what their position on fixing our borders, has a certain amount of sympathy for illegal immigrants, even as we condemn them. Most come from condition of severe poverty and are risking life and limb to come up here since they have no chance to ever escape poverty and hunger at home. If I were a lower class Mexican, living on mexican minimum wage $4.50 a DAY, barely feeding my children, seeing wages of a $8.00 an hour and a chance to succed just a river away, I'd probably be tempted to jump the river too. You might not agree with what their doing, but most people can see where they are coming from. (I'm sure I'll heard a lot of BS about why don't they come up here legally- most illegal immigrants aren't even eligible for a visa, so they can never legally immigrate.)

Anyhow, so now imagine that Latin American border patrol officer, looking at someone who looks just like his mother, father or sister, who talks like him, who is, well, one of his people, and having to send that immigrant back to the hell known as their homeland, has got to be tough. I bet they can sympathize with the immigrant more than my white-ass. You gotta have a cold heart to do that job.

[milo9]

I'm a californian and the truth is that a very high percentage of Border Agents are of Latin American ancestry. It's not a cold heart it's the fact that they are Americans and they have a job to do.

I don't blame people for trying to cross, but the trouble is the government of Mexico. The lot of the average Mexican has not improved in 40 years, in fact it has gotten worse, but accepting their people doesn't solve the problem.

Just seal the effing border with whatever it takes. After tempers cool, amnesty the people who have put down roots here. As soon as possible alter Nafta so that it doesn't drive the campesinos off of their land. It's a start.

[MelFamy]

Wasn't it Giuliani who just pointed out that undocumented workers are not criminals? That have broken no laws? They have violated regulations, which is a misdemeanor, so they are not felons. And who can tell if the brown-skinned man working his butt off in the hot sun in a fancy garden is fresh from Mexico, or the son of ancestors who have lived in the US for generations. Why, you would have to get your fat, lazy white ass out of your air-conditioned car, and waddle over and ask him for his ID, at which point he tells you in perfect english what a racist bastard you are. And get out of HIS yard!! I am Italian on my Mother's side, and have heard stories about how her people were treated when it was Italians who were taking the jobs, talking funny, and eating weird foods.
But back to my point, which is that any ethnic-cleansing policy that targets "illegals" will insult many American citizens.

[anastasiabeaverhousen]

This is a government that couldn't get the residents of Houston out of Houston before a hurricane hit - AND THEY ALL HAD CARS!!!!

The country wouldn't know what hit it if the workers all left en masse. No car wash. No bus boys. No landscape workers. No harvesting of crops. No grunt workers for construction jobs.

Prices for services would go through the roof IF the employers could find any American willing to do the work.

The workers pay rent. They buy groceries. They pay to use the transit system. They just happen to have brown skin and no one will ever convince me this is something other than white people seeing their majority decline.

[cynara]

Paranoid, but damn possible. I often wondered if people would be making such a big fuss about illegal immigration if the immigrants were from Australia or Canada, you know a place where they looked and talked like us.

[flatus]

Sorry, but for me, your solution misses the mark. The correct answer is:

1. Penalize employers $5,000 per head (much less than current law).
2. Give the money, minus 'herding' expenses, to the person that reported the infraction.

Problem solved in six months. Garanteed.

[oldpotsmuggler]

Hey Mr. and Mrs. "What part of illegal don"t you understand", I know millions of undocumented Hispanics who would love to help bolster the value of your home, and all of the homes in your neighborhood, in your city, in your State, and in the United States. You"ve had your say on the fabricated issue of you having to subsidize them, but let"s hear how you weigh in on a proposal that has them subsidizing you.

An additional 190,000 homes went into mortgage default in July, and this wave is forecast to not play itself out for another 12 to 18 months. The mortgage "products" used by something like 40% of recent homebuyers are no longer available at a time when many areas have record inventories of unsold homes, and declining real estate values. A veritable flood of additional foreclosure homes, then, is a crisis that has every informed observer struggling to describe a way out.

We could create a program to sell foreclosure homes to undocumented aliens, lend them the money to make the purchase, require them to upgrade the properties to normal standards, and give them a conditional Greencard as a reward/carrot. These mortgages, if the borrowers were legally allowed to be in the country, could be made pursuant to standard FHA guidelines regarding credit worthiness, employment/income, assets, and down payment requirements.

If people currently living in the shadows of our country could get both legitimacy and participation in the American dream of home ownership, there would be a line outside of every mortgage company in the country the dat after such a program was announced. Four previously illegals making ten dollars per hour is the same as one person making $40.00/hr and that is enough money to buy and maintain a house in this country. Plus, getting them into the program would mean that we would know exactly where they are at, so if they ever did stop performing on their part of the bargain, they would be a sitting target for deportation.

[cynara]

That solution is SO nuts, it would probably work. No chance in hell of ever happening, but creative as heck. Most illegal immigrants would do anything for a green card. Unfortunatly, there is absolutely nothing they can do to make themselves eligible for one.

Ways to get a greencard:
*Win the greencard lottery (about as much chance as a powerball jackpot)
*Have a family member sponsor you (father, mother, child, wife or husband) - This is the most used method, effective if you have a US citzen or resident family member. People still "buy" greencard spouses occasionally, if their lucky enough to find a willing accomplice to their con, though that is against the law.
*Have an advanced degree and a company willing to sponsor you - So just head back down to Oaxaca, study to be a doctor, at night, since you'll still have to work sun up to sun down for your $4.50 a day to buy food, and while your at it, take an English Course, 'cause you can't a get a job without that, and find a job from abroad. Its a good way to come to the US if you have the money to get a decent education to begin with. But if you have money to begin with, you'll probably do fine in Mexico. If your a single mother from the mountains of Chiapas or Oaxaca, your chances of having the resources to feed your kids and get that degree is pretty slim.