The strike is awful for everyone. The issues are massive, and, contrary to what management would have you believe, this is not a battle between the haves and the have-jets. These careers are delicate, odd little things. We give up long-term security to do what we love. Most of us are talented enough to excel at more conventional careers. But we are driven to write. To most of us, the only thing we are interested in doing is making an audience laugh or cry or think. We are not overpaid. We generate the material that drives the economy for an entire region. And all but a tiny, tiny percentage of us are freaking the hell out right now. But we stand united in this cause and will not give in. Here are some tips for surviving the strike.
1. HANDLING RAGE
We're writers because we're full of anger. Tiny, insignificant things piss us off to no end. When it's something big like management's refusal to negotiate on an obviously huge revenue stream, it's danger time. But you must not let this seething, torturous, rage ruin your life. What to do? Take it out on your nanny and/or gardener! Look, this situation sucks. We have worked for years and eaten miles of shit to get our lifestyles cranked up this high. Part of that lifestyle is household help. Now, your impulse is going to be to cut back on their hours or days. "We can clean up after ourselves," you'll lie to yourself. "It will build character to do our own laundry." Fuck that. If you're a writer in Hollywood, you have character to spare. What you need to do is go off on someone who barely speaks the language and is only trying to help. Nanny turns your snow-white Egyptian cotton sheets pink? Pretend she's Rupert Murdoch. Go nuts on her. Otherwise, the rage is going to be directed at those who are really to blame for your high-flying, overextended lifestyle - your wife and kids. And nobody wants that. Your nannies and gardeners are tough. They got here, didn't they? They can take it.
2. GENERAL HEALTH
If you're going to drink more than usual because of the stress (if!), you need to do a few things to ensure your physical well-being. If you drive to a party or get-together it will be at someone's house because you've stopped going to Mr. Chow. It's way easier to drink more at a private home - no fifteen dollar apple-tinis at your best buddy's house. Since you're on financial lock-down, you blew off that green limo service and drove yourself. On the way, you and your wife or hubby had the talk. "So, if I drink will you drive home?" The guild strike rules clearly state that the striking writer gets to drink. But you underestimate what a pain in the ass prick you've been and the significant other gets to the party, takes one look at the sweet fully stocked bar and it's game on. You're both toasted and because of management's refusal to negotiate in good faith on an obviously huge revenue stream, you can't afford a cab home. And everyone is shit-faced. Here's the solution: When you start to feel drunk, keep drinking until you pass out. This seems like a perfect and obvious solution, but if you're not thinking straight, you might start drinking water and try to sober up. Do not sober up. That's what 8 a.m. to 10:30 a.m. is for.
One other option is to go ahead get that DUI you've been somehow avoiding for years. Forget wasting money on a good lawyer. Get a court-appointed hack to defend you and spend the strike stabbing trash with convicts. It costs you nothing and think of all the money you'll save on gas! (new pilot pitch when my current projects go away because they've got strike stink on them: "Community Service" - the execs love it when it comes from real life!)
If you've recently been to rehab or are "in the program," see below.
3. THE STRIKE AND YOUR SOBRIETY
Have you spent more time in Betty Ford than Gerald Ford? (joke stolen from Chris Kelly, Politically Incorrect, circa 1995 - I'm on strike, I'm rusty) You know all that bad behavior? Remember the "old you?" Well, welcome back, asshole. The strike is the perfect excuse to get back in touch with your childish, self-destructive side that drove you to Hollywood in the first place. If you feel as though you might fall off the wagon some day, now's the time. No one will blame you. Go nuts. Grab a few balloons of China White and head to Reno with a gaggle of whores. It's L.A. They're everywhere! Call home after a week and cry it up good (you won't be acting). And then head straight to rehab. Another reason to do it now: if management gets what they want, you won't have health care in a few years.
4. REFLECT
Take some time for yourself during this strike. Really think about what you're doing and who you are. Ask yourself why management fails to realize that every single piece of entertainment sold or repurposed starts with a blank page and a writer's passion and inspiration (yes, every single piece - no one's buying DVDs of America's Top Model).
How best to reflect? Take long walks in cheaper neighborhoods. Think about public school for your kids. Consider renting. The cause is worth it. Are you really happy as a writer in Hollywood? Do you love it? Spiritual advisor Deepak Chopra asks his audience, "If you had all the time and all the money, what would you do?" My answer is that I'd sit around reading Deepak Chopra books. See? I already feel better.
5. WORK ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP (MOSTLY FOR MEN)
Okay, this sounds really cheesy, but think about it. We're so busy providing for our families and fretting about how management refuses to even discuss sharing a tiny percentage of the massive revenue generated online by our work, that we have no time to recharge or find new pursuits that deepen our souls and our relationships and give us joy. I'll just throw one out there. Learn to screw like a rock star. That's right, study tantra. Now, at first your significant other will say things like, "I don't want you inside me for seventeen hours." Hogwash. After some coaxing, he or she will be thrilled when you show them "The Rabbit" or "The Snake Charmer." You've got the time now. Won't it be nice to not have to apologize after sex? After all, the strike is all about seeing who can last longer.
Read more about the strike on the Huffington Post's writers' strike page.
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