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We Do Have Options for Iraq!

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The Democrats who are finally saying there are NO good options in Iraq are correct. And we're all waiting to see if Jim Baker's Iraq Study Group will offer a viable change in course that the President can accept.

But do we need to wait for the Baker report? We may need to act faster.

How can we unentangle ourselves from Iraq? I see seven possible options.

Plan 1. Withdraw the troops next Thursday. Have Laura Bush send the country of Iraq a polite apology on attractive stationery.

Plan 2. Withdraw the troops in two weeks or on Armageddon, whichever comes first. Explain to the Iraqis that Americans have to fight too hard against the dangers of gay marriage in our own country to be able to give the Iraq problem the attention it deserves. Send Christmas fruitcakes to every Iraqi family as a gesture.

Plan 3. Get that "Mission Accomplished" sign out again. Have a public ceremony with George W. dressed as a general, and with Laura Bush wearing a burka. Announce that the Iraqi government is now stable, and the bringing of democracy to Iraq has been successfully accomplished. Have George W. give medals of freedom to himself, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld. Send Christmas fruitcakes to every American family, paid for by a loan from China.

Plan 4. Change America's perceptions of the war. Remind everyone the war is called "Operation Iraqi Freedom." Rename the Iraqi Sunnis and Shiites. Call the Sunnis: "members of Al Qaeda from Afghanistan." Call the Shiites: "terrorist jihadists from Syria and Iran." Use the word "terrorist" continually, and ban all news media from using the word "insurgents." Explain to all Americans that there are no non-terrorist people left in Iraq, and, over a period of weeks, have Karl Rove attempt to sell Americans on the need to drop a nuclear bomb on Iraq, killing everyone there, which theoretically would stop the present violence. With the violence ended, victory could be proclaimed by the administration. Then America could get back to focusing on the dangers of gay marriage.

Plan 5. Take John McCain's advice and add more troops to Iraq. Wait until the death toll of Americans reaches 15,000 soldiers, and then do plan 1,2, 3, or 4.

Plan 6. As Caesar wrote, "All Gaul is divided into three parts." Take that advice and divide Iraq into three parts: one for the Kurds, one for the Shiites, one for the Sunnis. The Sunnis in the south wouldn't have oil on their land, but a percentage of oil profits could be promised them by the Kurds and the Shiites. To facilitate acceptance of this, have Condoleeza Rice point out that if the Sunnis don't receive the agreed upon oil profits, they can always return to exchanging death squad attacks and drilling holes into people's heads. Then Ms. Rice can return to her study of the Soviet Union, and the rest of America can refocus on the dangers of gay marriage.

Plan 7. Withdraw the troops next Monday. Bush and Cheney can hold a press conference and announce their resignations, pointing at Nancy Pelosi and screaming, "There! Is that what you want? Go f--k yourselves!" before storming out. Tony Snow can announce that the press conference was a goof, inspired by the television show Punk'd. The rest of the country is uncertain if this is true or not, and finds the whole thing very disorienting. To comfort the country, Laura Bush can discuss why her favorite book is The Brothers Karamazov. CBS, NBC and ABC can offer simultaneous primetime documentaries about polar bears dying because the Arctic ice shelf is melting, the talk radio people can react by saying how bored they are with Al Gore, saying this over and over for the full course of an hour; and the country can go back to discussing the dangers of gay marriage.

All of these seem like viable options to me.


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