It's always fascinating to read about the trials and tribulations of relationships. Not to take joy in the struggles of others, but rather to study the challenges that couples go through and learn how to best overcome them. After reading HuffPost blogger Bree Maresca-Kramer's recent post on "7 Signs He's Never Going to Propose," I immediately thought of the flip side to this debate. Fear of commitment is not uncommon in men. And yes, it will unfortunately be the deciding factor that ends many relationships. However, I think it's important to not paint all men with that brush. Being afraid of commitment is acceptable, as long as both sides make it their primary objective to work through their fears and become healthier because of it.
Here are five common reasons why he may be hesitant to pop the question -- and how to work through them:
1. He's in a money crunch and wants to climb out of it before committing to the expenses of getting married. Money talks, or in this case, prevents action. The average cost of an engagement ring is $5,200, and that doesn't even begin to compare with the costs of putting on a wedding. Another facet to consider is that many 20-somethings are saddled with student loans that really limit financial flexibility. Men want to provide and may not feel that the present time is the best to make such a large financial step.
If a big wedding and a fancy ring aren't important to you, let him know. You can always delay these things until you're more financially stable as a couple.
2. He's already reaping the benefits of a married man. Sometimes being in a long-term dating relationship can make you feel like you're already married. If you've already moved in together or are sharing finances, he may think marriage is no different than the status quo. He may even feel some sense of boredom. You can combat this by bringing back some of the old feelings of "the chase" that will remind him of the beginning of your relationship. Check out a few suggestions here on how to put a little excitement and intrigue back into the relationship.
3. He's focused on his career. In his mind, he may think that if he settles down and takes on the commitments of being a husband and father, there may not be any time left over to climb the corporate ladder or achieve his dream of building his own business. This also ties back into the first point about being financially secure. Can you really fault him for wanting to be able to provide the most he can for you and your future family? Let him know that pursuing dreams is also a goal of yours and that you would never let that stand in the way of your relationship.
4. He thinks he's giving up his freedom. This topic has been rehashed in every relationship book ever written. However, there is some merit to it. It's important to convey to him that marriage isn't the end of his personal life. Equally, it's important for him to know that he's going to have to make sacrifices as he enters this next phase of his life. Instead of two poker nights per month, he may get only one. It seems a small price to pay for marrying the woman of his dreams.
5. He comes from a broken family. This one is often the toughest to deal with. If he grew up in a single-parent home or lived through a tough divorce, he may have developed a fear of marriage. Talk and trust are going to be your best allies in conquering this unfortunate issue. If he's open to it, consider seeking the help of a counselor. It may sound cliché, but this can really go a long way toward understanding that he's not responsible for the failure of his parents' relationship. Just because he wasn't exposed to a healthy marriage doesn't mean he can't be a part of one of his own.
Fear of commitment is not a death sentence for your relationship; it's just something that needs to be worked through. So before you decide that he's just not that into you, consider these points and work through them together.
Follow Chris Easter on Twitter: www.twitter.com/themanregistry
(A. Einstein)
Over the course of my life (now about to turn 60), I've been in 3 long term relationships . . . and never married. OK, before leaping to any judgement, it might be relevant to note that the woman I was with for about 12 years didn't want to be married either. She had been stuck in a terrible marriage, and was still technically, on paper, still married (though long separated) from an abusive, alcoholic husband.
It just worked out that way, and we're still very close friends, though we now live in different areas.
There were two other occasions later when there was the potential of marriage hovering in the background, but we both decided that it wasn't the preferred path.
More often than not, the "guy" ends up losing everything in these protracted legal debacles, so my question to all here is why . . . why do this???
I've never been through a divorce, but I have seen my share of really bad examples of such.
Perhaps my viewpoint has been tainted by personal observation, but I tend to go by what I see and learn from actual experience, not by what is proposed (sorry for the bad pun) via purported experts in such matters.
The idea that the woman is eager to settle down and the male is wary of commitment and must be "lured" or "trapped" or "persuaded" to marry is hogwash. It's time for women to shake off this ridiculous notion ...... the bottom line is money. If a woman is well-educated and can support herself nicely, she's not going to be so eager to tie up with a husband, She's going to hold off and be picky.
Call a spade a spade. ; Diapers and housework AND keeping a job to maintain a bloated lifestyle and perhaps to pay off that ridiculous wedding tab ISN"T a very appealing prospect.
I look at young wives juggling jobs and babies and chores and they have NO life. I can't imagine why any women today even considers marriage if this is the lifestyle we've managed to create for ourselves. Think about it ladies ......ditch the romance bridal illusions and project yourself a year or two into the marriage and consider THAT scenario before going to all the effort to "land" a man!
"Leave it to Beaver" is an old sitcom. It's long since gone.
Your quote: "I look at young wives juggling jobs and babies and chores and they have NO life. I can't imagine why any women today even considers marriage if this is the lifestyle we've managed to create for ourselves. Think about it ladies ......ditch the romance bridal illusions and project yourself a year or two into the marriage and consider THAT scenario before going to all the effort to "land" a man!"
Is caused by feminist telling women to be anything and everything. That is why women are so depressed today. The underlining message from feminism is usually make sure you keep working in case he dumps you. The message should have been to follow your heart's desire whether that be perusing a career or watching your kids grow into adults.
I was a fervid feminist many years ago and rejected domesticity in all its forms .... today I see both sides and recognize the value of both . To be able to choose either one freely is truly what we fought for. Thanks for reminding me,.
In those cases, a women is better off looking for a man who wants what she wants from the beginning. If a man "is looking for his future wife" then he's more likely to propose if your relationship develops and you fall in love (if that's his mentality entering the relationship to begin with) if a guy can commit in that "together a year and no need to cheat" sense but WASN'T looking for a potential bride at the start of the relationship, he's a lot less likely to propose and you probably won't change his mind.
The question is, how long should a girl wait a dude out before "gimme the ring or it's over"? The answer depends on the dude but if you've been living together for a year you're probably not going to get a proposal. By then it's hard to because you fall into a comfortable rutt.
Call me old fashion, When you move in together, your honey moon is over. Why can't people date till they know the other is loved, no marrtter what the job career. Love has power over the mind. If it is seeking gold, youi are in dream land. Because money is the last thing that bonds love. I have never felt better when I was poor, because we needed each other to servive, that is the way in the old days. Having children at your young time of life, makes you a young grand parent. Or having your children young helps you stay young along with the sweat.
I come from a time that if you get the girl pregnant is called a shot gun marriage, if you play you pay or as modern times men say why buy the cow if you get the milk for nothing and you have nothing
Last line GET MARRIED or don't move in together or the bells you want to hear would be a clang, until you really know each other. Physical attraction is only skin deep or lust in the worst degree
Have a Good Day Pilgram Darryl Ehlers
But don't let sex define it first. And p.s. I am not old fashioned.
Have a Good Day Pilgram Darryl Ehlers
true love doesn't seem to be enough to hold a marriage together anymore. plus it's so complicated and serious. i think a lot of people don't know what they're getting themselves into (maybe because so many people were raised in single parent homes), and then one or both parties doesn't want to put in the work. that's really what it is, a *lot* of work. it takes work to be a good friend, and it takes way more work to be a good marriage partner!
Why is HP always watering things down?