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'American Horror Story: Coven' Episode 7 Recap: Dead Weight

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Note: Do not read on unless you've seen "American Horror Story: Coven," Episode 7, titled "The Dead."

I really want to dive right into the moment that made me write "W.T.F." in my notes -- you know which part I'm talking about -- but let's wait a bit for that.

Death has become so inconsequential on "American Horror Story: Coven" that nearly everyone who was killed off in the past is now walking the earth with the living. Four (count 'em, four) main characters were previously dead/buried: Madison, FrankenKyle, LaLaurie and The Axeman. Rightfully or wrongfully, they were each brought back to life (or in LaLaurie's case, dug up from the underground), and as a result of their new existences, are in one way or another screwing up the lives of the living. The way things are going, it doesn't seem like a good thing.

I felt myself being pulled in a million directions during this episode. I don't know if it's because there are so many characters now and they're all mixing and matching intentions and plans, or if it's that certain motivations are changing on a dime. Can one realization about one's mother (as is the case with Cordelia) suddenly make you want to kill her? Can one sordid, horrific tale turn someone against another, as happens with Queenie and LaLaurie? It all happens so fast, and so conveniently, that it just feels contrived. But wait, this is "AHS" -- I can't really complain about lack of logic in a show that features Nazi doctors, aliens, a murderous man in a rubber suit and Minotaur sex. I'm going to "let love rule," as they say, and try to stay positive here.

In the first scene of the episode, we learn that Kyle was basically a Boy Scout. In a flashback, while all his frat buddies are getting various meaningless tattoos, Kyle delivers a monologue about doing good, about becoming an engineer and making sure the levees in New Orleans never fail again. His dream is cut short when Madison flips the bus in Episode 1. Beginning and end, indeed. Back at Robichaux, as Zoe approaches FrankenKyle with a gun, we all know she's not going to kill him. They scuffle and the gun is thrown away.

Madison delivers a monologue about not feeling any pain, but wanting to feel pain, and once again we're left to wonder why we're supposed to care about her character. We know she's not Supreme, and aside from the huge dark circles around her eyes, she's pretty much the exact same as she was before death. The bottom line is she wants to feel something, and even downing excessive amounts of herbs or burning her hand with a lighter doesn't do anything. We're feeling the pain, Madison, trust us.

There's a bit of a womance (sorry, best I could do) developing between LaLaurie and Queenie, and as they sat at the drive-thru eating burgers I thought: man, wouldn't it be awesome if these two could somehow overcome their differences and start kicking ass together? Alas, it's not meant to be as Queenie goes to visit Marie at the salon. The voodoo priestess convinces Queenie that the other women at Robichaux will never treat her the same because she's black. Despite Queenie's conscience telling her that's not true, she acquiesces to Marie's request, and heads back to Robichaux to question LaLaurie. Marie wants LaLaurie, and is willing to offer Queenie a place in her tribe -- and all the powers that go with it -- in exchange.

Besides Queenie grilling LaLaurie in the kitchen (not literally, of course), lots of other things are happening at Robichaux. After a failed flashcard English lesson in Zoe's room, FrankenKyle starts to go postal again. Madison saunters in and tells Zoe to go talk to Cordelia, which means the two resurrected people are alone in a room together. I really didn't see the sex coming, mainly because I thought a guy who can barely say the word "food" couldn't possibly understand sex or how to have it -- but again, that's logic talking, and there's no room for that here.

Cordelia (who runs into Madison in the hallway and realizes that Fiona was the one who killed her) meets with Zoe and warns her that Fiona will be coming after her next. They decide together that they have to kill Fiona for the sake of the coven. Zoe somehow reattaches Spalding's tongue (what are her powers again, exactly? Every power? Or does she just read spells from that book?) and makes him begrudgingly admit who killed Madison. Now armed with the proof she needs, she plunges a knife through Spalding's chest, killing him. Bah, the word "killing" has lost all meaning for me. He'll probably be alive again in a few episodes.

After LaLaurie tells Queenie the story of her "little regret," which is about as nasty and stomach-turning as you can get, Queenie tricks LaLaurie into going to Marie's salon for a modern haircut. How wrong is it that I felt bad for LaLaurie? How wrong is it that I now hate Queenie for turning her in? Fully knowing all about the brutal things she's done in the past, I still want LaLaurie around. It feels like all the people I want to die don't stay dead, and then the people who I want to live disappear (or just don't show up in the episode. Ahem, Misty. Ahem, Myrtle. Ahem, Nan). At the end of the episode we witness Queenie and LaLaurie extracting blood from LaLaurie with a curved knife, just like she used on her slaves. Vengeance is a bitch.

OK, we've waited long enough. Zombie group sex. What in the hell was that, exactly? Just when you thought Minotaur sex/rape/assault was bizarre, here we have three characters, two of whom are dead-then-resurrected, suddenly having a threesome. Zoe's kill sex wouldn't be effective here, sure, but ... I don't know, guys, I'm confused. Anyone have thoughts on this? Let me know below. The only thing that could make this beyond ridiculous is if one or both of them becomes pregnant with a zombie/witch child. "AHS" would go there, though, so I shouldn't even throw that idea out into the universe.

And I haven't once mentioned the Axeman/Fiona relationship plotline because it was the weakest part of the episode, by far. While it's fun to watch Jessica Lange in the role of seductress, this got old and wore thin, really quickly. Especially the part where the Axeman is talking about "playing his instrument," in great detail. It also looks like the Axeman is back to killing, as foretold by the body in his bathtub. After he's watched Fiona grow up (and watched her get dressed -- creeeeepy), we can only assume that he'll do anything to protect her, since he already knows all her secrets and is still in love with her. I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out, but I foresee some sort of disaster with this relationship. (I realize some people may have enjoyed this storyline, but it's snorefest for me.)

For now, the witch and the ghost seem to be in love (lust?), and the two resurrected zombies are having a threesome with the (probable) next Supreme. Never thought I'd write a sentence like that in my life.

Witch, Please: (every week I'm going to award the witchiest witch of them all) As was the case last week, there weren't a lot of powers being used in this episode. So if I'm doing this in terms of "witchy" behaviour, I guess it has to be Zoe, since she killed Spalding, was a lot more hardcore than usual, and then shed her perfect image to take part in that threesome.

Other Random Thoughts:
  • As soon as Zoe threw that gun away, I knew we'd see it again the future. The question is when.
  • Looks like there'll be a sniper in the bushes next week -- Hank.
  • More awkward and out-of-the-blue sex again tonight. Definitely not as gross as the Minotaur sex (that was just plain odd), but surely as unexpected.
  • Also more man bum for all y'all.
  • When Jessica Lange put that electric razor to her head and looked like she was going to shave her hair off, I was literally yelling at my TV for her to do it. Imagine?!
  • Without Angela Bassett on this show, I don't know what I'd do: "Livin' over there on Wonder Bread lane. They probably feed you Shake 'n Bake and watermelon for dessert."

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