iOS app Android app

Chris Kelly
GET UPDATES FROM Chris Kelly
Chris Kelly's new book is Downton Tabby. It's sort of like Downton Abbey with cats. The more you think about it, the more you realize that it's the perfect Christmas gift.

Entries by Chris Kelly

Wait a Second, Is 'Let It Go' About Farting?

(2) Comments | Posted March 3, 2014 | 12:21 PM

Did you hear that Frozen song on the Oscars last night? Did something smell funny about it to you?

Listen, I'm no expert. I'm just a concerned parent, like you. I trust the Disney name when my daughters are choosing a movie at the mall. I see that name, and...

Read Post

12 Reviews of 'Endless Love' That Make Me Concerned About My Garbage Man Screenplay 'Piece of Garbage'

(0) Comments | Posted February 14, 2014 | 2:49 AM

New York Post
" ... endlessly lame ..."

San Francisco Chronicle
"... too much endless and not enough love ..."

Boston Globe
"... Zefferelli's version... made you feel the love. This pallid replay just seems endless ..."

Digital Spy
"... seemingly endless ..."

...
Read Post

Happy Birthday Richard Rohmer!

(0) Comments | Posted January 24, 2014 | 11:10 AM

Richard Rohmer turns 90 today. The major-general (ret.) is Canada's most decorated inhabitant, which makes him sound like some sort of Christmas tree, but he isn't. He's a novelist, historian and the former chancellor of the University of Windsor. He flew fighter planes in World War II and Korea, and...

Read Post

Downton Tabby Recap Episode II

(0) Comments | Posted January 13, 2014 | 2:44 PM

Even in a fantasy world like Downton Tabby, sometimes shocking, sickening, horrible things happen, just like in real life. This week, a wonderful house party is ruined when someone brings an Australian.

The Australian, Yelli Munchkin, performs Dvorak until Mary cries, Tom gets drunk and Mrs. Patmore has a...

Read Post

Downton Tabby Season 4 Premiere Recap

(0) Comments | Posted January 6, 2014 | 12:03 PM

Winter, 1922

Meanwhile at Downton Tabby, death continues to take every character even a little prettier than Lady Minxy. First her pretty baby sister Servil, then her even prettier husband, Matthmew. It's very sad, not to say awfully suspicious. The other cats at Downton are concerned that Minxy isn't spending...

Read Post

Quiz: Downton Abbey or The Wolf of Wall Street?

(1) Comments | Posted January 3, 2014 | 8:26 PM

If you like repetitive stories about wealthy people -- and who doesn't? -- you have two options this weekend: The Wolf of Wall Street and Downton Abbey. Pick 'em: Martin Scorsese's latest celebration of frenzied New Yorkers shouting threats at each other on drugs, or the season premiere of Julian...

Read Post

The Top 17 News Stories of 2013 With Analysis by a Newser Commenter

(2) Comments | Posted December 28, 2013 | 4:13 AM

I'm a busy man, and I like my news in 50-to-100-word chunks, like fragments of Sappho. So I couldn't get by without the news aggregation site Newser. Their motto is "Read Less Know More," which is also my daughter Gretchen's approach to AP English, and we'll see how far she...

Read Post

11 Things to Never Say to a Man Whose Head Has Been Sheared Off by a Sheet of Glass

(2) Comments | Posted December 18, 2013 | 7:30 AM

By some estimates, over half of the Internet is now used for lists of things not to say to people. 9 Things Not to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom (Woman's Day), 13 Things You Should Never Say to a Working Mom (HLNtv), 10 Things Never to Say to a Formula-Feeding...

Read Post

Going Negative

(5) Comments | Posted December 12, 2013 | 7:12 AM

I'm going negative. I didn't want to do it -- no one ever wants to do it -- but it has to be done. I owe it to myself, my supporters and to America. Plus going negative works. Republicans and Democrats spent $6 billion on the 2012 elections, and almost...

Read Post

Drones and Bookstores

(20) Comments | Posted December 6, 2013 | 4:39 AM

I've been thinking about that 60 Minutes story, about Amazon's delivery drones, on and off all week. I feel like there was a time -- before Lara Logan started believing Baron Münchhausen tales about Benghazi -- when 60 Minutes didn't just broadcast everything anyone told them. But maybe I live...

Read Post

The Most Evil Cat in Movies Is Back

(2) Comments | Posted November 25, 2013 | 5:48 AM

You can't keep a bad cat down. The makers of the official James Bond movies just settled a long-running legal battle with the estate of a producer who claimed he owned the rights to Bond's archenemy, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. This clears the way -- after decades -- for the return...

Read Post

Anti-Choice Politics Aren't a Cause; They're a Form of Fundraising Yield Management

(8) Comments | Posted July 2, 2013 | 7:05 PM

Ignorance gets a bad rap. Augustine says ignorance isn't just a cause of sin, it's a sin itself - a sin of omission -- and he's right, of course. Still, we throw the word "stupid" around a lot, like it's a bad thing, especially when it comes to people like...

Read Post

Trent Franks Killed a Limited Number of His Own Unborn Children

(42) Comments | Posted June 28, 2013 | 4:05 AM

Arizona Congressman Trent Franks, author of the Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, went to college for about year, when he was 32. It's unclear whether he studied embryology or not. You don't need a fancy college degree to be a congressperson, but human nature being what it is, I'm...

Read Post

A Spooky Prophetic Thought From James Gandolfini

(0) Comments | Posted June 21, 2013 | 1:31 PM

I've never seen The Sopranos. I did see James Gandolfini the second last time he ever did God of Carnage, and he was incredibly good. And he'd been doing the play for a year and a half. Boy, he was great. His big speech is this:


Children...

Read Post

Is Glenn Beck's New Book a Warning About the NSA?

(12) Comments | Posted June 17, 2013 | 8:38 AM

It's been almost seven months since Glenn Beck slapped his name on someone else's awful book. (That was Agenda 21 last November. Glenn Beck "with Harriet Parke." A nightmare vision of a world where the UN makes everyone walk on treadmills all day. Really.) But the wait was worth it....

Read Post

Happy Ending #13 The Great Gatsby

(7) Comments | Posted May 20, 2013 | 3:40 PM

"What!" I exclaimed. "But you can't be Gatsby. He's dead!"

"I assure you," the stranger insisted, removing his false beard and mustache, "I'm alive." I had no choice but to believe him when he smiled reassuringly -- much more than reassuringly -- employing that rare inimitable smile of his,...

Read Post

An Open Letter About Ashley Judd

(57) Comments | Posted March 25, 2013 | 2:54 PM

In Hollywood, "no" is silence over time. The way you find out you're not getting the job, that they passed, that they didn't respond to the material, that they're going a different direction, is silence. It's the call you don't get. No one wants to give you bad news, because...

Read Post

Pitch Notes

(11) Comments | Posted March 10, 2013 | 8:04 PM

I don't know what the agents told you, but this isn't a half-hour. I love half-hours, don't get me wrong, and people are doing great things. Especially (name show on network). Amazing. But what I really want to do is the kind of dark, edgy, noisy, sexy kind of long-form,...

Read Post

More Depressing News About Gas, Wages, Bush and Obama (NSFW)

(541) Comments | Posted February 20, 2013 | 7:07 AM

Gas prices have just gone up for the 33rd day in a row. This would be terrible news for the recovery, but luckily in last week's State of the Union address, President Obama discovered the power to bend time with words, and used it to increase everyone's mileage.

In case...

Read Post

Wayne LaPierre Unpacked

(25) Comments | Posted December 21, 2012 | 4:42 PM

You can't debate the NRA, and it's a waste of time to pick at their arguments, because they're not a political movement, or a marketing group or even a cult -- their worldview isn't robust enough to support a cult. Also, in a cult, someone in the leadership is usually...

Read Post