WASHINGTON (AP) - A secret court approved all but one of the government's requests last year to search or eavesdrop on suspected terrorists and spies, according to Justice Department data released Tuesday. In all, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court signed off on 2,176 warrants... One application was denied in part.
You got a second to sign some warrants?
- For you? Anytime. Let me get my rubber stamp. I'm just kidding. I'll use a pen. Wow, this is a lot.
Well, it's a big country. Someone's gotta rifle it.
- Who are all these people?
Suspected terrorists and spies.
- Sweet corn! There are 2177 suspected terrorists and spies in America?
And their lawyers.
- There are 2177 terrorists, spies and mouthpieces in America!
And their lawyers' landladies. And the people their lawyers' landladies, uh, call on the phone. And people who buy plane tickets by phone when better fares are available on AA.com. And people with accents who own binoculars. And short guys with tall women.
Keep signing. For all you know I'm kidding.
- Who's "Frank Frink?"
His car doesn't support the troops.
- Done. "Robert Childan?"
Owns Miss Congeniality 2 on DVD but not Miss Congeniality.
- That is odd.
You can't be too careful.
- "Jane Taverner?"
A girl I lost a long time ago. Sometimes I can hardly remember her at all, she's completely abstract, like math. Sometimes she's so real I can feel how cool and smooth her teeth were against my tongue.
- And "Alice Buckman?"
- Done and done. "Wilmer Valderrama?"
He's obviously some kind of foreigner, and I don't like how he treated Mandy Moore.
- Isn't he an actor?
Yes and no. But he's definitely up to something.
- Good enough for me.
What's a "Valderrama" anyway? Sounds like a disco in Montreal.
- I said I'll sign it. But you promise you're not just looking for dirt to use against all these other people.
What do you mean?
- I mean, you'll have their banking records, their phone records, their internet records... there are lots of things people do that aren't terrorism, but still look bad. You'll know if they yell at their kids, or hit on their secretary, or go to a psychiatrist, or look at the wrong website, or pay too much for a haircut.
- Well, I mean, just knowing you might know could make a person think twice about singing a petition, or giving to a charity, or even running for office.
Please. That's politics. This is the Justice Department.
- Owww... owww... I can't breathe.
Here, wipe your nose with this. It's the Bill of Rights.
- Thanks. Whew. That was funny.
Your face is all red.
- Whew. Okay. Wait a second...
- Your name is on this list.
No, that's another guy. But he always comes up when I Google myself, and I'm sick of it.
- You sure you want this in the system?
Nah. You're right. Probably just make things worse. He'll start getting my Netflix, and I'll be at a black site in Tashkent trying to breathe under water.
- Let's just call it rejected and put it over here.
- No problemo. That's one rejected, 2176 good to go. And you swear they're all legitimate suspects.
They must be. I'm suspicious of them.
- "Let it suffice that I trust thee not."
- It's a line from As You Like it. Duke Frederick is banishing Rosalind, and she says she hasn't done anything wrong, and he says that's not the point. "Let it suffice that I trust thee not."
I like that. What does she say?
- "Your mistrust cannot make me a traitor."
Huh. What was her name again?
Write it down.