1) I'm running for governor of California.
2) I have a billion dollars.
3) I'm 53 years old. I've been a proud member of the Republican Party for two years.
4) My campaign website is called Megwhitman.com. Its background is the color of money.
5) I have an MBA from Harvard, just like George W. Bush. What could go wrong?
6) I'm running for governor because I strongly believe that California should be friendlier to business and, uh, I guess that's about it.
7) Did I mention the billion dollars?
8) People say I use too much business jargon when I frame strategy fundamentals trend paradigm.
9) I have two beautiful sons and their names are Prioritize and Skill Set.
10) Last week, the LA Times asked me my position on school vouchers and my answer was "I don't know how to answer that question."
11) Last week, the LA Times asked me if schools should report the children of illegal immigrants. My answer was "I want to think about that a little bit."
12) Last week, the San Francisco Chronicle asked me my position on offshore drilling and my answer was "That is an issue I would like to study further."
13) Wait, someone just handed me a card. I do have a position on an issue besides statewide business-friendliness. I also want to cut taxes and spend more money on education.
14) Which won't be easy, since 55% of the state general fund budget is spent on education.
15) I've just been handed another card.
16) "This is an issue I would like to study further."
17) I believe gay and lesbian couples should be allowed to adopt children.
18) I supported Proposition 8 because I don't believe gay and lesbian couples should be allowed to marry.
19) And I think their bastard children deserve a wonderful education that I'll pay for by cutting taxes.
20) On second thought, this is an issue that I would like to study further.
21) When the San Francisco Chronicle asked me about my plans to reduce the size of government I said, "I can't be that specific on it."
22) I believe we "have a moral responsibility to be good stewards of the environment" but I don't believe we should be raising emissions standards on automobiles or "doing things that damage the car companies."
23) The American Lung Association rates Los Angeles the worst city in America for year-round particle pollution. 3rd worst is Bakersfield. 5th worst is Visalia. 8th is Fresno. 9th is Hanford.
24) A few years ago, when I was running eBay, I was asked about our expansion into China:
Q: Can you give us your thoughts on doing business in China given the civil rights issues there?
A: We do not have the issue that many of the portals have doing business in China because in China, we are not serving news, we're not serving really anything that has to do with commentary.
My position on civil rights in China isn't even "I'd like to study it further." It's "Who gives a shit."
25) California's unemployment rate is 9.3%. There's gotta be someone else who wants this job.