Chris Kelly isn't the one who plays for the Ottawa Senators. But wouldn't it be cool if he were?

Blog Entries by Chris Kelly

Sarah Palin Tells Rush Limbaugh the Magic Word

465 Comments | Posted November 17, 2009 | 05:53 PM (EST)


"I have, of course, all my life read. I'm a lover of books, magazines, and newspapers."
- Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

"Sometimes, big shot, you don't seem to give me credit for very much intelligence at all. I've been to school in my life - and I'm...

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2012 Offends Catholics, Dimwits, Ex-Cons

226 Comments | Posted November 10, 2009 | 12:09 PM (EST)


The huge new disaster movie 2012 opens this Friday. Everyone but HuffPost blogger John Cusack drowns, but not before a statue of Jesus crumbles, a crack opens in the Sistine Chapel roof -- right between the fingers of God and Adam -- and St. Peter's Basilica falls over on a...

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Dud, Baby, Dud: The Lesson of Doug Hoffman

866 Comments | Posted November 4, 2009 | 07:50 AM (EST)


"I believe America is turning the page to a new dawn." ~ Doug Hoffman, Concession Speech

Doug Hoffman lost his election last night. He was supported by a plurality of talk radio entertainers, and a majority of former half-term governors of Alaska, but it wasn't enough. An obscure quirk of...

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Biased Media, Dirty Tricks and Special Interests Drove Out Republican

240 Comments | Posted October 31, 2009 | 04:02 PM (EST)


Three days before the special election in New York's 23rd congressional district, the Republicans have lost their candidate. Dede Scozzafava has dropped out. This leaves upstate New York, parts of which have voted for the party of Lincoln since Lincoln, without a Republican choice.

They just have a Democrat...

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Doug Hoffman Wins an Olympic Gold Medal, Gets Reagan Elected and F***s a Rat

48 Comments | Posted October 28, 2009 | 06:02 PM (EST)


Doug Hoffman is running for Congress on the nonentity ticket. A millionaire accountant who's not even eligible to vote in the district he seeks to serve, Doug has never previously held nor sought elected office. He has no public record of, well, anything. He seems to own cars -- that...

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Sarah Palin Friends Doug Hoffman

139 Comments | Posted October 23, 2009 | 12:17 PM (EST)


I was a man who had many friends,
And many friends had me.

I used to pump gas about an hour north of where Doug Hoffman used to pump gas. I don't know if that makes us kindred spirits or ancient enemies. I know it makes us both old....

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An Open Letter from Meg Whitman About Voting

169 Comments | Posted October 6, 2009 | 05:46 AM (EST)


If you're coming in late:

Meg Whitman, the fourth richest woman in California, thinks she should be governor, presumably because the three richer women are busy. She freely admits that this idea just popped into her head about 18 months ago. Before then she wasn't a member of any party...

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Liz Cheney Recycles

23 Comments | Posted September 28, 2009 | 01:51 PM (EST)


Liz Cheney is related by blood -- or whatever the Cheneys drink -- to a real live-ish former vice president of the United States. And they're close, too. Just ask her, or today's New York Times.

By all accounts, the Cheneys are a tight-knit and at times insular unit...

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Five Questions for Meg Whitman

50 Comments | Posted September 22, 2009 | 12:23 PM (EST)


Meg Whitman, the richest female CEO in American history, will officially announce that she's running for Governor of California at 11:30 today. Because who doesn't love people who've made a lot of money in the market. As a rule, she only takes questions that are written in advance, so here...

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Update: Meg Whitman Does Not Heart Van Jones

96 Comments | Posted September 4, 2009 | 04:57 PM (EST)


That afternoon, Meg Whitman gave this statement to The Weekly Standard:

My husband and I met (Van Jones) and many others on a cruise sponsored by National Geographic and The Aspen Institute. He talked about supporting job growth in California, but of course I did not do a background check...
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Van Jones Hearts Meg Whitman

25 Comments | Posted September 4, 2009 | 01:34 PM (EST)


UPDATE: Meg Whitman Does Not Heart Van Jones


Original post:

Meg Whitman, the fourth richest women in California, has been running for governor while refusing to debate an opponent, face an impartial interviewer, or address an unfriendly crowd. She has never held public office, rarely even voted,...

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Laura Ingraham Tells You How to Behave at Teddy Kennedy's Funeral

345 Comments | Posted August 28, 2009 | 01:10 PM (EST)


I once accidentally hit Laura Ingraham in the ass with a door. It wasn't one of those slapstick comedy things, where she toppled over and did a faceplant into a wedding cake or anything, but it was illustrative, nonetheless. I mean, it meant a lot to me.

I was thinking...

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Obama is Stalin! And a Cartoon by Lyndon LaRouche

336 Comments | Posted August 21, 2009 | 11:10 AM (EST)


"If you do not obtain confessions from the doctors, we will shorten you by a head."

- The only interesting thing Stalin ever said about government medicine, one way or the other

I'm one of those people who likes to hear a lot of voices in a health care...

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Sarah Palin Wins

789 Comments | Posted August 14, 2009 | 06:51 AM (EST)


The Senate Finance Committee has stripped a provision to reimburse Medicare doctors who provide end-of-life counseling to dying patients from its version of health care reform. Take that, Hitler.

Hitler, like I have to tell you, supports Medicare reimbursement for end-of-life counseling because he wants the Federal government to talk...

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Liz Cheney Hopes We Don't Have to "Roast a Few Marsh-Mullahs" in Iran

146 Comments | Posted August 7, 2009 | 07:52 AM (EST)


Liz Cheney used to be Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs. Now, that job was just made up, but it still sounds like it has something to do with diplomacy, which generally involves other countries. And representing America in a semi-formal way to foreigners. One of...

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The Constitution Says Obama Can't Be President. And Neither Could Reagan.

1186 Comments | Posted August 3, 2009 | 05:58 AM (EST)


Barack Obama's birthday is tomorrow (or is it?) and in the spirit of gift giving, I've got something for the 28% of Republicans who don't believe Obama was born in America: An invitation to common ground.

Here's the first place we can agree: It would be nice if the president...

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California's Budget Crisis Turns Out to Be Great for Oil Companies. Weird.

189 Comments | Posted July 21, 2009 | 01:14 PM (EST)


2009 isn't just the 40th anniversary of man walking on the moon, it's also the 40th anniversary of the Santa Barbara oil spill, the worst in American history, before the Exxon Valdez. We may never go to the moon again, but thanks to last night's California budget compromise, we're going...

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Balls, Strikes and Empathy

84 Comments | Posted July 14, 2009 | 11:41 AM (EST)


"We expect a judge to merely call balls and strikes? Maybe so, maybe not. But we certainly don't expect them to sympathize with one party over the other, and that's where empathy comes from." -- Senator Tom Coburn

Yesterday, in Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings, members of the Senate Judiciary...

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God is My Doorman: Mark Sanford for Non-Christians

672 Comments | Posted June 30, 2009 | 06:05 PM (EST)


Hemingway said that the problem with Henry Miller was that he got laid in the afternoon once and thought he invented it. Governor Mark Sanford got laid in Argentina two weeks ago and the way he continues to go on about it, you'd think he cracked cold fusion. The man...

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I Knew Pussy Galore. Pussy Galore Was a Friend of Mine. And You, Nancy Pelosi, Are No Pussy Galore

93 Comments | Posted May 24, 2009 | 03:02 PM (EST)


"Seems to me I'm getting all balled up in high politics."
-- James Bond, You Only Live Twice

The Republican National Committee produced a little gag video criticizing Nancy Pelosi for being a James Bond villainess. (Or something. It's getting harder and harder to discern...

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