Ann Coulter Kills at Her Father's Funeral

Ann Coulter's father John died last week, and this week she honored his memory with a column containing not one, but two Ted Kennedy jokes. I know I'd be proud.

Hahaha! Ted Kennedy! Back me up, mourners! I know you're out there - I can hear you breathing! Unlike dad! That lady in the shroud... she knows what I'm talking about!

Such is a daughter's grief. Think of her, then, as Ophelia with her violetless garlands, crossed with a real fucking hack.

But where's the Hillary material? Come on. It's right in front of you, Ann -- dad's dead... Hillary cries... you do the math.

Clearly, Ann's not at the top of her game. So I've taken the liberty of going through the eulogy -- cutting the Kennedy material -- and punching up the rest.

--

The longest baby ever born at the Albany, N.Y., hospital, at least as of May 5, 1926, who grew up to be my strapping father, passed away last Friday morning.

And by "strapping" I mean, "he beat me with a strap."

As Mother and I stood at Daddy's casket Monday morning, Mother repeated his joke to him, which he said on every wedding anniversary until a few years ago when Lewy bodies dementia prevented him from saying much at all: "54 years, married to the wrong woman." And we laughed.

Because he was dead.

John Vincent Coulter was of the old school, a man of few words, the un-Oprah, no crying or wearing your heart on your sleeve, and reacting to moments of great sentiment with a joke. Or as we used to call them:

Assholes.

Men.

When he was moping around the house once, missing my brother who had just gone back to college, he said, "Well, if you had cancer long enough, you'd miss it."

Unlike Lewy bodies dementia, apparently.

He'd indicate his feelings about my skirt length by saying,

I can see your balls.

"You look nice, Hart, but you forgot to put on your skirt."

Your parents are your whole world when you are a child.

Especially when other children avoid you out of instinct.

You only recognize what is unique about them when you get older and see how the rest of the world diverges from your standard of normality.

Or the cops come.

Besides being very funny, Father had an absolutely straight moral compass without ever being preachy or judgmental or even telling us in words.

If you call a five-decade joke about hating his wife, another about his son being like cancer, and another based on looking at his daughter's ass "funny."

Father hated puffery, pomposity, snobbery, fake friendliness, fake anything. Like Kitty's father in "Anna Karenina," he could detect a substanceless suitor in a heartbeat.

"War on the one hand is such a terrible, such an atrocious thing, that no man, especially no Christian man, has the right to assume the responsibility of beginning it." - Tolstoy

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." - Some Fatherless Creep

He hated unions because of their corrupt leadership, ripping off the members for their own aggrandizement.

I know I'm forgetting some of the other things he hated, but you're starting to get the picture. Oh yeah, yogurt. Hated it. And mom.

But he had more respect for genuine working men than anyone I've ever known. He was, in short, the molecular opposite of John Edwards.

John Edwards being alive.

Father spent most of his nine-year FBI career as a Red hunter in New York City.

Where Stalin had sent his legions to steal the secrets of Broadway's Golden Era.

He never talked much about his FBI days.

Or dressing like a woman.

Father mostly had contempt for Soviet spies.

Reserving "hate" for unions, snobs, phonies, mom and us kids. Think of him as a kind of grown up Holden Caulfield, crossed with Hitler. Hitler Caulfield. The Catcher in the Rhine. This guy in the front row, he gets it!

In the early 1980s, as vice president and labor lawyer for Phelps Dodge copper company, Father broke a strike against the company ... Every day, Father walked with the strikebreakers through the picket line, (in my mind) brushing egg off his suit lapel.

And his skirt.

By 1986 it was over; the mineworkers voted against the union and Phelps Dodge was saved. For any liberals still reading, this is what's known as a "happy ending."

Not as happy as this funeral. But happy.

Now Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan.

"Hey, Ron, is it always this hot in here?"

Comments

[cobraxus]

this explains why Ann Coulter is so screwed up.she idolizes a guy who spent his FBI career hunting non-existant spies amongst NYC intelligensia(and no doubt destroying lives in the process).then he became a strikebreaker(how lovely).she has an unhealthy emotional attachment to a guy who sounds like he was a GRADE A Creep!

[Bobzmcishl]

Talk about a dysfunctional family. No wonder Ann Coulter is who she is. The wonder if why she gets any attention at all. To tie in her father with one of the most reprehensible American's of the 20th Century is beyond comprehension. She really is sick.

[johnsonma]

I hope Ann keeps up all of her hard work. She and people like her make the left look good. Keep up the good work Ann and thanks for helping us "Liberals" take the White House back.

[HLM]

(Repost from December 2005):

Bless you, Ms. Coulter for your radiant, dazzling humor. Now that Richard Pryor has departed this vale of tears, you have rightfully assumed the position as the most hilarious person in this surreal world. Sadly, but not surprisingly, the subtlety of your brilliantly dry wit goes almost completely undetected by the great unwashed.

The stunning irony is that these stupid people not only don’t recognize the fact you’re joking – at their expense – but also how much their fury at you makes the joke even funnier. (They actually think you believe the “opinions” you express… What are they, retarded? No one with an IQ above eleven would believe such nonsense.)

Albeit immodest of me, I used to consider myself the greatest put-on artist who ever trod the boards… I gladly, worshipfully render my crown to you.
I am in awe of your talents.

We must do lunch one day.

Signed
Andy Kaufman

[LeoMarvin]

Strength and determination don't require us to surrender our values. When we adopt our enemies' most reprehensible tactics, we lose.

We understand those principles so easily when the subject is rendition and torture, so why are they so hard to grasp now? Taunting the bereaved is just wrong, and it doesn't become right when we do it to someone who's asking for it.

I can forgive Chris Kelly, because his humor requires flying a little too close to the sun, so the occasional screw-up is inevitable. But the in-your-face triumphalism on the comments defending this post make me sick. That has nothing to do with the liberalism I know. I disavow it and reject it.

[fedupnburnin]

Father had respect for"genuine" working men than anybody she had ever known? Just what qualifies for a "genuine" working man? That means there must be fake working men. Like those in the republican party and corporate America. Who with very little effort accumulate vast sums of money by screwing over genuine working men and women every day.

[RedWhiteandBlueState]

I'm disgusted by Coulter, almost as much by this post. The woman lost her father, no matter what your politics, it is nothing to joke or be crass about. Just brings you beneath her level.

[Bongborg]

Well, John Vincent Coulter raised her, and now he has received her final tribute to his life. Usually it is not the family who speaks ill of the dead, but of course Ann has no other words to work with.

[Raggar]

Now that daddies little girl has, at last had to face the realities of life, perhaps she will start to think for herself

[Richter]

In all fairness, I do agree with Coulter on one point -- her father is most certainly with Joe McCarthy.

[eyecon]

You cut the last paragraph. It reads:

"Now Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan. I hope they stop laughing about the Reds long enough to talk to God about smiting some liberals for me."

"Smiting" means killing; correct? So little Annie Fanny wants her God to kill people with whom she disagrees. That about sums up AC.

[JimLarkin]

her last line asking god to smite liberals really made me sympathetic to her loss.... right after i get back from st.louis... and i aint goin to st. louis

[anotherbozo]

Note to self: seek out Chris Kelly's column, at least until writers come back to the Daily Show. I'm starved for quality wit these days!

[flashlight]

Though at first Kelly's comedic premise here struck me as a little cheap, I have to admit I laughed out loud 4 or 5 times as I read this.

[AnotherIADem]

Let me say first, I do not hate Ann Coulter-- I very simply despise Ann Coulter.
What dismays me about Mr. Kelly's piece, is why anyone would waste any energy sinking to her level-- this piece is atrocious. Coulter is her father's daughter (or son??..sorry, couldn't help that), Dad died, and she misses him. She can say whatever the heck she wants to about her family and her relationship with them.
Let's wait for her to get back to form (you know, calling people "fags" and hoping to "perfect the jews") .. then you can let her have it. But Chris, be careful: "Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you." — Friedrich Nietzsche