Ann Coulter Kills at Her Father's Funeral
Ann Coulter's father John died last week, and this week she honored his memory with a column containing not one, but two Ted Kennedy jokes. I know I'd be proud.
Hahaha! Ted Kennedy! Back me up, mourners! I know you're out there - I can hear you breathing! Unlike dad! That lady in the shroud... she knows what I'm talking about!
Such is a daughter's grief. Think of her, then, as Ophelia with her violetless garlands, crossed with a real fucking hack.
But where's the Hillary material? Come on. It's right in front of you, Ann -- dad's dead... Hillary cries... you do the math.
Clearly, Ann's not at the top of her game. So I've taken the liberty of going through the eulogy -- cutting the Kennedy material -- and punching up the rest.
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The longest baby ever born at the Albany, N.Y., hospital, at least as of May 5, 1926, who grew up to be my strapping father, passed away last Friday morning.
And by "strapping" I mean, "he beat me with a strap."
As Mother and I stood at Daddy's casket Monday morning, Mother repeated his joke to him, which he said on every wedding anniversary until a few years ago when Lewy bodies dementia prevented him from saying much at all: "54 years, married to the wrong woman." And we laughed.
Because he was dead.
John Vincent Coulter was of the old school, a man of few words, the un-Oprah, no crying or wearing your heart on your sleeve, and reacting to moments of great sentiment with a joke. Or as we used to call them:
Assholes.
Men.
When he was moping around the house once, missing my brother who had just gone back to college, he said, "Well, if you had cancer long enough, you'd miss it."
Unlike Lewy bodies dementia, apparently.
He'd indicate his feelings about my skirt length by saying,
I can see your balls.
"You look nice, Hart, but you forgot to put on your skirt."
Your parents are your whole world when you are a child.
Especially when other children avoid you out of instinct.
You only recognize what is unique about them when you get older and see how the rest of the world diverges from your standard of normality.
Or the cops come.
Besides being very funny, Father had an absolutely straight moral compass without ever being preachy or judgmental or even telling us in words.
If you call a five-decade joke about hating his wife, another about his son being like cancer, and another based on looking at his daughter's ass "funny."
Father hated puffery, pomposity, snobbery, fake friendliness, fake anything. Like Kitty's father in "Anna Karenina," he could detect a substanceless suitor in a heartbeat.
"War on the one hand is such a terrible, such an atrocious thing, that no man, especially no Christian man, has the right to assume the responsibility of beginning it." - Tolstoy
"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." - Some Fatherless Creep
He hated unions because of their corrupt leadership, ripping off the members for their own aggrandizement.
I know I'm forgetting some of the other things he hated, but you're starting to get the picture. Oh yeah, yogurt. Hated it. And mom.
But he had more respect for genuine working men than anyone I've ever known. He was, in short, the molecular opposite of John Edwards.
John Edwards being alive.
Father spent most of his nine-year FBI career as a Red hunter in New York City.
Where Stalin had sent his legions to steal the secrets of Broadway's Golden Era.
He never talked much about his FBI days.
Or dressing like a woman.
Father mostly had contempt for Soviet spies.
Reserving "hate" for unions, snobs, phonies, mom and us kids. Think of him as a kind of grown up Holden Caulfield, crossed with Hitler. Hitler Caulfield. The Catcher in the Rhine. This guy in the front row, he gets it!
In the early 1980s, as vice president and labor lawyer for Phelps Dodge copper company, Father broke a strike against the company ... Every day, Father walked with the strikebreakers through the picket line, (in my mind) brushing egg off his suit lapel.
And his skirt.
By 1986 it was over; the mineworkers voted against the union and Phelps Dodge was saved. For any liberals still reading, this is what's known as a "happy ending."
Not as happy as this funeral. But happy.
Now Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan.
"Hey, Ron, is it always this hot in here?"
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ya know what i think is really kind of strange? presumably if you go up to heaven you are (at least on the commonly held theory) unified with God and become entirely "one" with Him. and since that's the case, that must also mean that you now know everything that God knows by virtue of that One-ness. AND MORE, since God knows everything past, present, and future with complete certainty and infallibility, then God knows that Anne Coulter is going straight to hell for all her mischief here on Earth upon her death. that means, by extension, that Anne Coulter's recently deceased father now knows that happy fact as well with complete certainty. man that must be a pretty crappy feeling for him...
Her comment about her dad now being with McCarthy should be the only thing ever required to be cited to show anyone what Ann Coulter is. Apparently her failings are genetic.
I understand that many liberals bloggers are annoyed by Ann, but if you are trying to zing her with this silly article, you missed the mark.
Ms. Coulter is an ass, but her demeanor at his funeral showed a close loving link between father and daughter. The jokes were appropriate to them and that's what counts for them on that day.
Father impresses me as having been a good man of his generation. With a good healty dose of humor and cynicism.
An unpreachy moral compass would remind those of us born in the mid forties to the early fifties of the men in our communities, where religion wasn't shoved down your throat but best left to the pastor on Sunday.
Scary, but is it possible she has a better sense of humor than you?
I was born and spent most of my life in Arizona (65 years), enough time to remember the many Phelps Dodge mines that were here, dug huge holes in the ground, left enormous mountains of earth (man-made mesas) blowing dust, until they got all they needed and left. Left the town that worked in and supported the mines with nothing. This is the story of mines everywhere. He was just another corporate fuck. If you know of any American Mining Assn members that have a conscience about what they leave behind, let me know.
"You look nice, Hart, but you forgot to put on your skirt."
Why did the original Man-Coulter call his daughter "Hart"? Did she remind him of hunting rabbits? Was it short for "Harlot"? Damn. Daddy must really hate you if he didn't bother using the entire epithet.
Great post. Joe McCarthy??????? wow. psycho
Boy you people are tools...
She didn't give this as a funeral speech, she wrote this in her column on her website... big difference, thus over 50% of the comments in here are irrelevent.
page after page of idiots who blindly believe whatever is put in front of their faces--- no on bothered to "check" what Chris Kelly wrote against reality.
Also, since when is it cool for the author of an article to use gayness as a go-off on ann coulter... saying her father was "dresses like a woman" or "wears a skirt" (both are go offs on transexuals).
Finally, I know everyone on huffpo hates, literally HATES Ann C, but to do a step by step rewrite of something from her blog is really petty, and makes Chris look like a jealous 2nd grader... complete with calling the person he doesn't like a "skirt wearer"... literally you people belong in the tool shed.
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Father hated puffery, pomposity, snobbery, fake friendliness, fake anything.
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Great insight into how he felt about you Ann.
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Father broke a strike against the company ... Every day, Father walked with the [scabs] through the picket line...
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[Correction] above.
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But he had more respect for genuine working men than anyone I've ever known. He was, in short, the molecular opposite of John Edwards.
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I see, therefore he honored and respected the working men by violating their picket line? Oh that's right, Ann lives on the other side of the looking glass.
- Tom
I am still pondering how she could come up with THIS in summing up her own father's life. These are the things that mattered most...tha
Not to disrespect the dead and someone I never knew...but if this is the best she can come up with, it comes off looking very shabby and sad.
Poor Annie...Da
I loathe the bile she spews. But her words are illuminating to me. She is a mess.
But I cannot help howling in laughter, as usual, over Kelly's biting wit.
"And Daddy was a true patriot who started the big fire in Germany that helped to bring law and order to Germany."
When my father passed away, I cried.
But unlike Coulter's father, my father actually loved his wife and kids; was for the working man; didn't think Reagan was all that because my father was a Republican with morals; went to mass every Sunday; and believed in the goodness of others. My father, unlike Coulter's dad, was worth the tears shed.
Another hit, Mr. Kelly... Thanks again.
Ann Coulter is one the mose vile, damaged, broken human beings ever spawned. Please don't make me feel sorry for her by posting crap about her dead father. WTF are you thinking?
THAT had a father???
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