Ann Coulter Kills at Her Father's Funeral

Ann Coulter's father John died last week, and this week she honored his memory with a column containing not one, but two Ted Kennedy jokes. I know I'd be proud.

Hahaha! Ted Kennedy! Back me up, mourners! I know you're out there - I can hear you breathing! Unlike dad! That lady in the shroud... she knows what I'm talking about!

Such is a daughter's grief. Think of her, then, as Ophelia with her violetless garlands, crossed with a real fucking hack.

But where's the Hillary material? Come on. It's right in front of you, Ann -- dad's dead... Hillary cries... you do the math.

Clearly, Ann's not at the top of her game. So I've taken the liberty of going through the eulogy -- cutting the Kennedy material -- and punching up the rest.

--

The longest baby ever born at the Albany, N.Y., hospital, at least as of May 5, 1926, who grew up to be my strapping father, passed away last Friday morning.

And by "strapping" I mean, "he beat me with a strap."

As Mother and I stood at Daddy's casket Monday morning, Mother repeated his joke to him, which he said on every wedding anniversary until a few years ago when Lewy bodies dementia prevented him from saying much at all: "54 years, married to the wrong woman." And we laughed.

Because he was dead.

John Vincent Coulter was of the old school, a man of few words, the un-Oprah, no crying or wearing your heart on your sleeve, and reacting to moments of great sentiment with a joke. Or as we used to call them:

Assholes.

Men.

When he was moping around the house once, missing my brother who had just gone back to college, he said, "Well, if you had cancer long enough, you'd miss it."

Unlike Lewy bodies dementia, apparently.

He'd indicate his feelings about my skirt length by saying,

I can see your balls.

"You look nice, Hart, but you forgot to put on your skirt."

Your parents are your whole world when you are a child.

Especially when other children avoid you out of instinct.

You only recognize what is unique about them when you get older and see how the rest of the world diverges from your standard of normality.

Or the cops come.

Besides being very funny, Father had an absolutely straight moral compass without ever being preachy or judgmental or even telling us in words.

If you call a five-decade joke about hating his wife, another about his son being like cancer, and another based on looking at his daughter's ass "funny."

Father hated puffery, pomposity, snobbery, fake friendliness, fake anything. Like Kitty's father in "Anna Karenina," he could detect a substanceless suitor in a heartbeat.

"War on the one hand is such a terrible, such an atrocious thing, that no man, especially no Christian man, has the right to assume the responsibility of beginning it." - Tolstoy

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." - Some Fatherless Creep

He hated unions because of their corrupt leadership, ripping off the members for their own aggrandizement.

I know I'm forgetting some of the other things he hated, but you're starting to get the picture. Oh yeah, yogurt. Hated it. And mom.

But he had more respect for genuine working men than anyone I've ever known. He was, in short, the molecular opposite of John Edwards.

John Edwards being alive.

Father spent most of his nine-year FBI career as a Red hunter in New York City.

Where Stalin had sent his legions to steal the secrets of Broadway's Golden Era.

He never talked much about his FBI days.

Or dressing like a woman.

Father mostly had contempt for Soviet spies.

Reserving "hate" for unions, snobs, phonies, mom and us kids. Think of him as a kind of grown up Holden Caulfield, crossed with Hitler. Hitler Caulfield. The Catcher in the Rhine. This guy in the front row, he gets it!

In the early 1980s, as vice president and labor lawyer for Phelps Dodge copper company, Father broke a strike against the company ... Every day, Father walked with the strikebreakers through the picket line, (in my mind) brushing egg off his suit lapel.

And his skirt.

By 1986 it was over; the mineworkers voted against the union and Phelps Dodge was saved. For any liberals still reading, this is what's known as a "happy ending."

Not as happy as this funeral. But happy.

Now Daddy is with Joe McCarthy and Ronald Reagan.

"Hey, Ron, is it always this hot in here?"

Comments

[BobC46]

"Father spent most of his nine-year FBI career as a Red hunter in New York City. "

God bless you John Coulter

[findingthetruth]

And no one---absolutely no one in the immediate family find the need for a psychiatrist? Seriosly--she's on the brink of hurting herself physically.

[lungfish]

Geez, Anne is a fantasy prone personality. She couldn't get away from her politics enough to even properly eulogize her father. She described him rather unflatteringly in my estimation (of course I didn't know the guy) and mentioning him in the same breath as Joe McCarthy while insinuating that Joe is in heaven is clearly an idea tapped from the lala land that passes for her brain.
Claiming with pride that her father was part of the Red Scare doesn't offer the slightest hint that she knows or understands history at all...
oh geez, now I am ranting.... Glad she isn't in my family.This is all the photons that I am going to commit to this sad excuse for a human being, Anne Coulter.

[virgiliana]

Don't stop Chris, please. The Hitler Caulfield image will last a long time, but it's a jungle out here, and lord knows we need someone to satirize what that vituperative braggart considers prose. The increased frequency of your columns is making my working day much, much brighter. Sorry about the strike but,once again, don't stop.

[PerryWhite]

You don't want to punch up Coulter's work, nor are you able to, you want to punch Coulter.

[apragmatist]

Way over the top, Chris. Badly done. Even Ann Coulter deserves some slack sometimes.

[DouginCT]

I would have said it's harsh to write something like this about almost anyone. Not Coulter. She has vommited her demons onto the public square to reinforce the war mongering and prejudice that stands in for 'conservatism' these days. Very very funny piece, Chris. The parts about her balls showing under her 'dress' was priceless. And true.

[traveler501]

pretty funny...how about the "Mother and DADDY thing?" Can you say "Electra complex?" LOL

[LeonBNJ]

I think her comments on her father's death tell a lot. Yes, it is sad for that person to have their parent die, but then she uses her public venue to continue her hate speech against many in America. That she is proud of her father's carrying out what was one of the biggest corporate union-busting acts in the last 30 years and of going after 'communists' in what are now seen as extra-constitutional ways that the FBI does help to explain her sickening and hate filled beliefs. Apparently she learned them from her father. Now I do think some of the comment of the article's writer are a bit sophmoric and silly, but still she deserves the harshish possible critizism for her horrible comments. Let us hope that someday she will go so far - perhaps saying something very racist against Obama - that she will finally be ignored by the media as seen as too toxic.

[rpence]

I savored every single word, letter, and punctuation mark of this post. Coulter has been asking for all of it and you give it to her beautifully. I say we flood her email address with this masterpiece.

[abbiehoffmansghost]

I could see that under normal circumstances one might go easy on Ms. Couler.....if she were human.

[abbiehoffmansghost]

You mean these aren't all her lines?

[Justtellthetruth]

Truly hilarious. I literally nearly passed away myself from laughing so hard.

[WarrenChristmas]

It takes a true psychopath to dis-honor your father's death by turning his eulogy into a right wing extremist propaganda piece. If that's not the very definition of heartless, then I don't know what is.

Politics does not belong where Coulter is placing it. To use a death in the family as an excuse to pimp out a political agenda is repulsive.

I don't know who she was trying to impress by going this route, but her mother (if still living) must be vehemently embarrassed for her daughter right about now.

Coulter has deep problems obviously & needs professional help.

[BlueMrsKitty]

Best....post....EVER