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01/06/2014 01:03 pm ET Updated Mar 08, 2014

Downton Tabby Season 4 Premiere Recap

Winter, 1922

Meanwhile at Downton Tabby, death continues to take every character even a little prettier than Lady Minxy. First her pretty baby sister Servil, then her even prettier husband, Matthmew. It's very sad, not to say awfully suspicious. The other cats at Downton are concerned that Minxy isn't spending any time with her pretty kitten, but if I were the kitten I wouldn't turn that into a big deal.

Plus it's Valentine's Day. A day at Downton when all trivialities are set aside for the most important work of all, reading each other's mail. "Accidentally." And a day treasured by all cats, everywhere, because male humans stop at the drug store on the way home and buy terrible chocolates that taste like they're filled with strawberry shampoo, and since no reasonable animal would eat one on a bet, dogs get at them, and die.

At least that's what cats hope.

Minxy drifts aimlessly around the house, because she's a cat and a widow, but that's not the only action in this special two-hour episode. It's barely half.

-- Mrs. Catmore, presaging a hundred years of cat history, is frightened by an electric blender.

-- Mrs. O'Celot, Lady Grimalkin's bitter and conniving lady's maid, has disappeared, "to India with some Scottish people," or at least that's what Minxy tells the cops.

-- She's replaced by Ednaw, the trampy former maid who hated everyone and who used to flirt with Tom the Chau-Fur, because what could go wrong.

-- Thomas Feral, the handsome but evil first foot cat, is back conspiring against Boots, Lord Grimalkin's saintly valet, because even though he doesn't wear stripes, he can't change them, because he's a cat.

-- Lady Replacy MacCaracel, the sexy and headstrong cousin who moved in about ten seconds after the death of sexy and headstrong Lady Servil, is growing more sexy and headstrong by the day. If Minxy ever cheers up and gets her act together, there's a creek and bag full of rocks with Replacy's name on it.

-- The death of Matthmew "Road Kill" Clowder has put Lord Grimalkin back in charge of financial matters at Downton, and back doing what he does best, ruining them.

All the cats read each other's Valentine's Day cards, Lady Etcetera's married beau asks her to live with him in sin and or Germany, which doesn't sound romantic to me, but Lady Etcetera takes what she can get, and Useless Molesy spills or breaks something or other but I'm not going to lie to you, that's when I check my email.

In the end, Lady Minxy finds some beautiful purple upholstery and casually claws it to shreds. She's back!

Quotes:

Mr. Catson:

"We shout and scream and wail and cry, but in the end someone figures out we're locked in the coat closet."

The Dowager:

"When you talk like that, I'm tempted to call vet, and have you neutered."

"I'm not your governess - I'm your grandmother. The difference is, your grandfather loved the governess."

"Mary, you've gone through hideous time. But now you must remember your son. He needs you very much. The fact is you have a straightforward choice before you. You must choose either death or life. And then, you know, okay, eventually death. God, why did I say that? I really have no internal editing at all."

Lady Minxy:

"Have a "happy" time."