THE BLOG
07/13/2007 12:48 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Getting to the Dirty Bottom of David Vitter

"I attended Catholic schools growing up, so I know first-hand of the benefits of a Catholic school education." - Senator David Vitter.

While everyone is running around calling David Vitter a hypocrite, for the way his faith and politics ran counter to his private life, remember: Jesus hung out with prostitutes, too.

I went to a parochial school, and David Vitter has made my faith stronger than ever. Our creed tells us we're born bad, and it's a daily struggle, just to not get an erotic massage, or five.

He proves Saint Augustine's point.

That's one of the main problems in our clash of cultures with the Muslim world. They don't believe in original sin. And there are a lot of things you can say about a sin like calling a whorehouse from the halls of Congress to have them send someone over and diaper you, but you have to admit it's original.

You have to give him points for that. Creativity, I mean.

Otherwise, the guy's kind of a waste of space.

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There's something wrong with the way David Vitter's little black eyes jiggle around in his big ol' head. It's unsettling, is what it is. Like the way any fat in his body goes straight to his neck. Like he's three beignets away from whatever's wrong with George Lucas.

It looks like it's a lot of work for David Vitter, just not being a fat guy. Which may explain his lack of leftover willpower in the whole "don't phone whores" department.

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I think that a lot of people in the secular humanist "media" don't understand Catholicism at all, and that's why they don't get David Vitter. Just this morning, the Associated Press reported that they'd identified at least five more phone calls from an alleged prostitution ring to the then-congressman. Here's how they characterize the last one:

"The fifth was placed at 3:06 p.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 27, 2001, more than two hours before Vitter voted in the day's only House roll call. It was Mardi Gras, an especially festive day in New Orleans, which is near Vitter's home town of Metairie."

They're missing the point. If you're Catholic, you understand the poignant thing wasn't that Vitter made the call on Mardi Gras. It's that he made it on Shrove Tuesday. It's not about plastic beads and Zydeco. He was getting the whore/diaper stuff out of the way before Lent.

Ash Wednesday was the next day. Or, in Vitter's case, baby powder.

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Vitter was the first person to call his problem a "sin." In his statement, Monday:

"This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling."

But isn't soliciting prostitution also a crime? Vitter's wife should know; she used to be a prosecutor.

Shouldn't someone be looking into the "crime" part, and whether there's something in the Constitution about removing people from office if they commit high crimes and misdemeanors, whether their wife forgives them or not?

Let's get this all out in the open. The sooner he's charged, the sooner he can be tried and convicted. And the sooner he's convicted, the sooner the president can let him go.

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Ken Starr understood how to use the high holy days to push Christian buttons in a sex scandal. That's why his report (What was he investigating again?) went out of its way to say -- not once, but four times -- that one of the Clinton/Lewinsky encounters happened on Easter. Here's the juiciest one:

After this Easter Sunday conversation, the President and Ms. Lewinsky had a sexual encounter in the hallway, according to Ms. Lewinsky.(318) She testified that the President touched her breasts with his mouth and hands.(319) According to Ms. Lewinsky: "I think he unzipped [his pants] . . . because it was sort of this running joke that I could never unbutton his pants, that I just had trouble with it."(320) Ms. Lewinsky performed oral sex. The President did not ejaculate in her presence.(321)

The same day Jesus rose from the you-know-what! Try substituting the words "April 7th" (or "Jackie Chan's birthday") for "Easter Sunday." It's just not half as tawdry. I mean, if you were raised right.

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Back then, David Vitter said, "Clinton should resign as well and move beyond this mess." Easter Sunday/Shrove Tuesday. Entirely different parts of the liturgical calendar. I don't know if anyone else has observed this, but David Vitter is a sick, lying asshole, and he should probably quit and get help.

Or kill himself or something. I mean, if suicide wasn't a sin.

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Speaking of faith, Roland Joffe, director of The Mission has a new movie coming out today. It's called Captivity, in which Elisha Cuthbert is kidnapped and tortured and her fellow prisoner Daniel Gillies turns out to be behind it, so she shoots him the end. Sorry, I should have said "spoiler alert." Now you don't have to see it. Screw him.

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Thanks for commentor "blushift" for pointing out a ghastly boner in an earlier version of this post. Don't you wish you knew what it was?