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Chris Kelly Headshot

How They'll Beat Hillary

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There are some lame political websites out there, but only one, "stophernow.com" is so weak it actually drains your computer battery, then leaches through the wiring to the rest of your house and makes the lights dim and the TV fade out, and your freezer defrost and all your Hot Pockets go bad.

(Wait, can Hot Pockets go bad?)

I guess "stophernow.com" is supposed to be an anti-Hillary site. But it's so toothless, for all I know it's for her. It has a bunch of links to news stories, but about half of them aren't even negative. (It's like some temp is in charge, and just types "'Hillary' not 'Duff'" into Google News and attaches whatever comes up.) There's a place where you can donate money - of course. But the core of this thing is an animated talk show parody called "The Hillary Show."

Hoo-hoo! A talk show! Hosted by Hillary Clinton! It practically writes itself! (Which would explain a lot, since most human authors are at least a little funny.) Go see for yourself.

But wait! Before you go, I should warn you: If you're a liberal, lock up your limousine and hold on to your tree, you're going to get a satirizing! Because this is the website that tells it like it is. No sacred cow goes ungored. (Not even Al Gore! That nature lover!)

For instance:

- Bill Clinton? Likes the ladies.

- John Kerry? Wanted to win Ohio. And his wife has money!

- Howard Dean? He's nuts with all that yelling!

- Nancy Pelosi? She's from San Francisco.

- Barbra Streisand? She wants more libraries.

(I swear I'm not making that up. This anti-Semitic caricature of Barbra Streisand appears with a check and a list of things she wants Hillary to do, including build "more libraries." Which is supposed to make the viewer's blood boil, but I can't for the life of me figure out why.)

- Dan Rather? Katie Couric called and wants you as her co-host! No she doesn't! Hahaha... uh?

(And then Hillary hits him with a big hammer. It's funny because it's so true.)

- Al Gore? You know what really causes global warming? Hot air!

(They actually do this joke. I swear on Jay Leno's grave.)

And then there's the show's host, Hillary herself. Did you know she's ambitious? And cold, too. And the people at stophernow don't care who knows they know it.

She's ambitious? There's some major Vast Right Wing Conspiracy money behind stophernow.com -- T. Boone Pickens and Bob Perry, for example -- and that's the best they can do?

That's it?

You call that character assassination? I've seen better mudslinging from Lee Atwater's cancer.

You look at this site and all you can think is: You're Republicans. You're supposed to be good at this. Now you can't even run a smear campaign? Do you expect to win the next election on Diebold alone?

I know the bar isn't set very high for conservative comedy. I've seen Dennis Miller in his ruin. But what do the stophernow people imagine they're doing? Is there some sort of opening for Least Stinging Humor in the World? Did Mark Russell die?

I'm really asking. Is he dead?

But now I've drifted off topic.

What I'm worried about is how the Republicans will attack Hillary once she gets the nomination. And it can't be that she's cold, or a witch, or a lesbian or Kim Jong-il in a blonde wig and a low-cut pantsuit. They've already got the votes of the 25% of the people who think that.

They can't win a national election on that stuff and they know it. So I think it's going to be something completely different.

They're going to attack her where she's strongest.

How did they attack John Kerry? He was a war hero, so they called him a coward. Al Gore? He was earnest and dull, so they called him a fantasist and a liar. Michael Dukakis? He was a centrist technocrat, so they painted him as a liberal loon.

Do you see a pattern?

If Al Sharpton was the nominee, they'd create a 527 group accusing him of not being black.

And that's how they're going to run against Hillary. They know the stophernow stuff just bounces off. That's why -- when real campaign starts, and the swift boat's on the tide -- they're not going to run against her as an evil genius. Because she is calculating, and she is cold, and she is a policy wonk and an east-coast-establishment-big-government-Washington-insider and a master politician.

(Face it, she's Clark Clifford with a rack.)

But they're going to run against her as a fool.

And she won't see it coming.

And it will work.