I Want Condi

From the very beginning, the presidential race should have been between Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton opposing Sen. McCain and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. It could still be if we quit wasting time.

-- Letter to the Editor, Wall Street Journal 08/12/08

I don't believe Condoleezza Rice can actually play piano. Everything else she's ever touched has been a fraud and a catastrophe, why should her alleged musical abilities be any different? Think about it. Think about any event she's been even remotely involved in since you first heard her name. An endless string of threats and blundering and arrogant bluffs turned squalid pigfucks. It's not that she can't do her job; she can't do anything. I think when she plays piano the piano catches fire and the audience dies.

So yeah, sure, Condoleezza Rice for Vice President. Time's a wastin'.

But there's one other thing that we're always told to keep in mind when we consider Condoleezza -- I mean, besides her wondrous ability to play an instrument: Whatever happens, It's not her fault.

Sure, she ignored the warnings about bin Laden, and she was shoe shopping during Katrina, and she can't find her ass with her hands on Lebanon, or North Korea, or Pakistan. It's not her fault because those aren't her area.

Her field of expertise is the Soviet Union. Ask anyone at the Hoover Institute. She's just brilliant on the Soviet Union.

She's written books on the Soviets, a dissertation even! She speaks Russian. She has impeccable credentials -- for a top slot in the Ford administration.

So it's not fair to get down on her for her inability to handle Zimbabwe or Iran or Venezuela; George W. Bush needed her at his side in case Brezhnev came back.

And she was a woman and a minority, too! Which would have been really something, in about 1975. But, considering the Berlin Wall had fallen in 1989, making a Sovietologist National Security Advisor was like putting Pocahontas in charge of NASA.

During Dr. Rice's tenure, we've had a devastating terrorist attack and two wars. Peace between Israel and the Palestinians went nowhere, and Pakistan sold everybody the bomb. In 2000, there was serious talk about making Bill Clinton Secretary General of the United Nations. In 2008, Mexico and England are the only places Air Force One can land without dropping flares.

But it wasn't her fault. She was standing watch on the Danube.

She's been trained since birth to handle Russia. If a strongman ever took over there she'd box him in faster than you could say "détente." And if that strongman ever even thought about invading somewhere? She'd know about it, and she'd slap him down faster than you could say "containment."

Or maybe not.

GEORGIA ROUTED AS PEACE BID FAILS

- Headline, Wall Street Journal 08/12/08

So where's Condi, while the French broker a peace treaty?

Has anyone checked the shoe stores?

Comments

[JimR]

Ouch!

But you're right.

[lorenrt303]

Let's face it, Chris, it's as though Florence Foster Jenkins had chosen international policy over music. By the way...has anyone ever seen Condi playing piano on youtube? No? I rest your case,

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Awesomely scathing!

I have a milk carton. Condi's picture should be on the side. Missing. Have you seen this person?

[PurplePhase]

Condi's effectiveness at the State Department matches Rumsfeld's effectiveness at the Pentagon.

[LeftRight]

And Cheney's in the VEEP slot. And Ashcroft/G­onzo/Mukas­ey's at DoJ. And bush's in the White House, etc.....

[ozarkhobo]

Things should get straightened out soon, troops. Dubya has contacted Condi in that Atlanta shoe store to talk to those pesky tourists in Georgia before they infiltrate Alabama and make more trouble.

[dillydawg]

Finally someone realizes that this fraud has no substance. Great article and to the point.

[Jesteramos]

Condi for McCain's Veep pick. Because Sebelius hopefully be Obama's pick...

[Bobrobert]

Shoppin.

Nice Rice took a vacation - roflmao.

A vacation.

That is just too funny.

roflmao!!!­!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!­!!!!!!!!!!­!!

[berrycooda]

Why don't you tell us how you really feel......

[StillAmused]

Rice has surely left her mark...

Somewhere.

[JonW]

Condi is one big fraud!! She's no more a Russian expert than an Iraqui expert or National security advisor. Her tenure as Sec of State has been a giant nothing!! Hard to see how she even succeded in academia. She has mirrored her mentor GWB in failures!

[flabingo]

Right on!!! Read the amazon reviews of the book The Dark Side Gtrat book

[kjdwyer]

I love your writing. This is the second time you've made me LOL. The first time was the perfect ending to the story about Crist's fiance making fake beards and now:

". . . considering the Berlin Wall had fallen in 1989, making a Sovietologist National Security Advisor was like putting Pocahontas in charge of NASA."

I loved the image of people spontaneously combusting listening to her play the piano, as well.

Very much appreciated humor. Thanks. I'm still laughing.

[fetchezlavache]

I heard that Bush was reading "My Pet Goat" to some schoolkids in Atlanta when he heard that the Russians had invaded Georgia--this time he got up and ran because he was afraid they were right outside the classroom door.

[jimmyaj]

Of course, Putin had Bush's occupation of Iraq as precedent. Not that Iraq is (or isn't) in America's back yard...

[buggedabouttheus]

PLease let her be McCain's Veep!

[MA]

I've heard she plays a killer "Chopsticks"!

[fetchezlavache]

I can play the piano a little, and I know a few swear words in Russian--can I be Secretary of State? Oh, no...sorry...I cannot stand George W. Bush.