Lohanomics

When Mother Teresa died she owned the clothes on her back, a rosary and a bucket. The day she died, like every other day, she started off with the Prayer of St. Francis, the one that asks, "Oh Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console." I know what you're thinking: Showoff.

But she wasn't all bad. There's something to wanting to give more than you receive. I'm not a glory hound like some nuns, but I try to live my life in the same spirit. That's why I was so happy to open this morning's Wall Street Journal and read:

WASHINGTON -- Government officials seeking to revamp the U.S. financial bailout have discussed spending another $1 trillion to $2 trillion to help restore banks to health, according to people familiar with the matter.

Hallelujah!

We'll be down to our clothes, rosaries and buckets in no time!

But not so fast. Just when I thought I'd found my calling -- restoring the banks to health -- I saw that Lindsay Lohan's father had updated his blog, and it read:

PLEASE HELP!!! I am asking everyone out their (sic) to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life... Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn't used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren't just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

I know God would never give me more than I can handle, but how can I help Michael Lohan break up his daughter's lesbian relationships and recapitalize Citibank? I don't want to make light of a father's love for a child, or a nation's love for its bankers, but suddenly I'm feeling not just torn but a little tapped out.

It's like when the Joker tells Batman he can save either Rachel or Harvey Dent. I think. I'm still not exactly clear on what happened there.

Save Lindsay or Wall Street or neither or both? Let's see.

Totally charming in Mean Girls?
Lindsay Lohan: Yes
AIG: No

Already received billions in aid?
Lindsay Lohan: No
AIG: Yes

Chance that a new handout will just get blown on Grey Goose?
Lindsay Lohan: Yes
AIG: Yes

Would piss on you if you were on fire?
AIG: No
Lindsay Lohan: It depends. Does she need to go anyway? How much Grey Goose has she had?

I think St. Francis would call this a pick'em.

Here's why this isn't a fair comparison. Lindsay Lohan was pretty good in Freaky Friday. Also, Michael Lohan won't tell us exactly how it is he wants us to help him, whereas Wall Street has made its needs perfectly clear:

Give us all your money.

Michael Lohan and our wards in the financial sector are equally opaque about what they'll do with our help/cash. The banks didn't exactly start making loans again, after we gave them those other billions, to make loans. Michael Lohan won't say what he'll do to Lindsay with our help, but he clearly knows the value of a dollar, since his blog has ads on it. So probably the best thing to do is just give them whatever they want and hope for the best. They are the experts.

Before he went to prison for criminal contempt related to securities trading, Michael Lohan worked on Wall Street.

Comments

[lastams]

Funny isn't it ... The Republicans don't bat an eye over groups like
Goldman Sachs getting billions of dollars, then creating offshore
holding companies to avoid paying taxes;
Companies like Bank of America using the money to buy Meril Lynch;
big bonuses, huge corporate spending, then hoarding the rest while the economy drowns.
Not a word.
But try to spend a few million to reseed the National Mall and holy hell breaks out!
I guess this is what they call the classic bait and switch,
and the Pubs haven't changed their tune one bit.

[camper65]

Didn't the Democrats write those bailout bills? Why aren't we asking Dodd and Frank where the money went?

[marbou]

And don't forget that Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs are now using those billions to buy millions of barrels of crude oil. This oil is stored in several oil tankers (50) until the price of oil goes up. That way your money will have been used to speculate on the price of oil and drive it up like they did last summer. Nice, isn't it?

[realityunwound]

First, I barely consider anything Dubya did in his last 18 months in office Republican.

Second, businesses go offshore because it's cheaper than doing it here because there's a stifling tax structure for business. That's why lower taxes make sense. Lower taxes lead to a better business climate, which leads to a better economy.

It takes time, patience, and commitment to principles.

[Vickster]

According to some sources, while the USA has one of the highest business taxes on paper, if you include all the loopholes we actually have one of the lowest.

[LiberalBuzz]

Actually there is NO evidence to support lower taxes helping to rebuild any economy.

ALL evidence shows just the opposite.

[Watersisland]

Yeah, time,patience,and commitment. And it also takes all the taxpayers money and then some. Just wait and be patient. You'll probably get it in the end.

[BobHiggins]

My second belly laugh of the day, both at Huff Post.
Do I have to choose?

AIG's damage is widespread and criminal, anything we give or loan them (or the rest of the criminal business class) will ultimately be used against us. Bailing them out is beyond expensive and I'm not giving up my barrel.

Lohan is just goofy, a kid. Money isn't her problem, protracted adolescence is her problem. Send her to work at a real job for six months, most other child actors ended up with real jobs.
Or, just send her a stipend for Grey Goose and ecstasy... who cares?

[liveandlearn]

this is rather more serious than the article, but pfizer borrowed a lot of money from somewhere to buy wyeth for $68 billion.

[HansB]

Good news for trickle down economists. As for me, I've been standing with my mouth open and turned skywards since Reagan, making a bloody fool of myself, and ne'er a drop in it did fall.

[DMEEPhD]

Wrong! Pfizer had the cash and the stock. In fact, they'll generate some cash when they spin off the OTC assets and layoff 10,000 employees and contractors.

[KillTheMessenger]

Only about $45 billion of that will be cash. Wyeth has $26 billion in cash itself, so that money comes back to Pfizer immediately. Moreover, they have $15 billion or so in loans, which in case of M&A counts positive on the balance sheet, so the difference becomes $10 billion or so, plus the stock exchange. And that suddenly sounds like peanuts.

Pfizer has secured $25 billion so far. That sounds like a lot but it isn't.

[funkalicious]

Are you saying ... why try and put your finger in the dike, Kelley?

[stujo4]

Brilliant, Chris Kelly.

[philistine]

I had no idea how you were going to tie Lohan and AIG together until the last paragraph. That was pretty sneaky - and fun reading.

Cheers!

[wendy82551]

Why are you messing with my head like that? Lindsay Lohan? Bankers? Huh?

What do they have in common? Waste of oxygen? Can't be too skinny or too rich? Private jets? I don't know. What I DO know is that Michael Lohan's writing lacks a certain--what do you call it--subtlety. Now leave me alone. "The Bachelor" is coming on soon.

[LeftRight]

I don't know..... I think that I'd rather console Lindsay, at least she's prettier than AIG (or at least the CEO....)