Someone once said, about reading the old comic strip "Nancy," that so little happened in it, it actually took longer to ignore. It takes a few seconds to ignore the comic strip "Mallard Fillmore," but it's worth the time.
If you don't read the funnies - and why don't you? - you should know that "Mallard Fillmore" is a reactionary comic 400 newspapers run for political balance, to make up for the strips by amusing people who can draw. There's no other explanation, except as a sick joke on affirmative action, like putting Clarence Thomas on the Supreme Court, or making Carrie queen of the prom.
Mallard Fillmore is a duck (get it?) who dares to speak out against the liberal elites, women's libbers, teachers unions, and political correctness in all its forms. And if those targets sound as fresh as the day they were made - 1980 - they are. Any minute now Mallard will take on Preppies, and after that Valley Girls had better watch out.
Mallard also thinks his taxes are too high, wonders why kids can't pray in school and notes - with a jaundiced eye - that Bill Clinton got half a blow job in 1995.
If you think we've lost the true meaning of Veterans Day and there's a war on Christmas, this is the comic for you. Also, if "Momma" is too challenging and "Cathy" in the changing room makes you uncomfortably hot, down there.
Why is this comic strip in my newspaper? I know we feel like we're helping Republicans, when we pretend they're as smart as regular people, but it's patronizing, and it only hurts them in the long run.
And yes, there are some lousy liberal comics too. There's not enough guilt in the world to make the average non-Hispanic read "La Cucaracha" and "Tom Tomorrow" is just embarrassing. But "Mallard Fillmore" is an actual disgrace. Reading it is like watching the loneliest creep at the gun show try to pick up a waitress by quoting George Will, throw up on himself, and cry.
Another of Mallard's favorite targets is Ted Kennedy -- Can you imagine, Ted Kennedy challenging John Roberts about the law! This is the same man who had a car accident in 1969! -- so you wouldn't really be human at all if you didn't feel the warm glow of schadenfreude when Bruce Tinsley - Mallard's creator - got arrested for drunk driving last month.
Here's his mug shot.
Come on waitress... just tell me your name... I'll show you my Lugar... BLEUCCHHHHHH! Oh no! My "tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of tyrants" t-shirt... I got vomit all over it... I wish I had a bullet that fit...
Where was I?
It was Tinsley's second arrest in six months. Which would suggest he has problems beyond loneliness and not being funny. But what was really inspiring was that he picked himself up, dusted himself off, used some paper towels to blot the puke, and composed the strip that appeared yesterday.
(I wish King Features would post it, but they don't. Take my word for it, it reads:)
MORE OUT ON A LIMB! ... MALLARD'S 2007 NEW-YEAR'S PREDICTIONS: HOLLYWOOD WILL CONTINUE TO MOCK "FAMILY VALUES"... MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS WILL FINALLY DISCOVER A CELEBRITY'S KID WHO ISN'T MESSED UP AND IN REHAB...
The text is accompanied by a drawing of a long-nosed man, presumably a movie producer, laughing, presumably at Jesus on the cross. You can tell he's a movie producer, because he has a ponytail. And it's 1975.
In Indiana, where Tinsley was arrested, driving with a blood alcohol level of .08 is a class C misdemeanor. Tinsley's blood alcohol was 0.14. Which means Tinsley will pay a fine, have his license suspended and, "may be placed on probation and be required to enroll in, and pay for, a substance abuse education course."
Is that different than being "messed up and in rehab"? I don't know. I only commute to Hollywood. And I do my drinking at home, where the kids can watch.
Hey, pop culture fans! This week, the book everyone's talking about is Robert Stone's Prime Green and the movie everyone's talking about is Dreamgirls.
In the song "Dreamgirls," the Dreamgirls say the words "dream" "dreamin'" or "dreamgirls" 42 times. In the song "When I First Saw You," Jamie Foxx says "dream" an additional 11 times. But in Robert Stone's dazzling short story "Helping" someone tells someone else, "Other people's dreams are boring."