McDonald's Makes Jesus Cry

There are billions and billions of reasons to hate McDonald's. They took the McRib away, for one, and that burns. (Sometimes I almost wish I'd never loved it at all.) There's at least one good reason to like McDonald's: They're being boycotted by the American Family Association.

What did McDonald's do to cross the AFA, its president, Donald Wildmon, and -- by extension -- Jesus (R-Nz.)? They donated $20,000 to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. McDonald's' revenue runs about five billion dollars a quarter, so you can see their profound commitment to destroying the family through sodomy.

The AFA says that by donating one thousandth of one percent of its 2007 earnings,

"McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda."

Which seems like a kind of shrill definition of "full weight," but maybe it's like the Quarter Pounder®, and it's the weight before cooking that counts.

It feels a little like the American Family Association was looking for someone to boycott and it was just McDonald's' turn. They've already boycotted Sears, Kohl's, Kmart, Target, Old Navy and IKEA. As a result, they're naked and don't have anywhere to sit. The McDonald's boycott follows boycotts of Burger King, Carl's Jr., 7-11, Proctor & Gamble and Kraft, which means Donald Wildmon hasn't eaten anything for sale in America since the late '70s. You'd think he'd be dead, but no.

(He's a good guy. I'll bet he loads up on locusts, beetles and grasshoppers, like it says in Leviticus. The same book that -- there's no getting around it -- says homosexuality is an abomination, absolutely as heinous in G*d's eyes as strong drink.)

Does the AFA hate homosexuals? Absolutely not! It says so, right on their website, under the heading and sub-head: "Does AFA Hate Homosexuals? Absolutely Not!"

Should McDonald's take the boycott seriously? The customer is always right, I guess. (I think that's from Deuteronomy.) But McDonald's might want to think about the kind of customers they're losing. They appear to be lunatics.

Oh look, here are some of their thoughts:

"YOU DID NOT BILD YOUR COMPANY ON HOMOSEXUAL PEOPLE! IT WAS BUILD ON FAMILY VALUES! MAN,WIFE.CHILDREN!MOSTLTY CHILDREN! THEY DON'T COME FROM HOMO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What next, Adam & Steve in the children's happy meals? i WILL not condone the Corp. of Mc Donalds to force me to shop where it is not in lign with my believe in God and HIS scripture..."

"I have stopped at my last McDonald. If you support homos, that is fine with me. I do not have to eat your burgers. Maybe there are enough homos around to keep your arches open."

"I suppose next the playground will be open for pedifiles in order to not offend them."

"You have joined God's list of enemies!"

"What's next? Support for the Man-Boy Love Association! This shall not stand!"

"The McFaddin Family will vote with our Money and Feet and take our business elsewhere! You can stuff your Happy Gay Meal and Happy Gay Agenda where the Sun don't Shine!"

"If the McDonald's heirarchy thinks we'll buy their burgers and support deranged homosexual activists who force their lifestyle on innocent children in the public schools, they had better think again. Their burgers now have a smelly odor to them."

"You advertise straight to children (Happy Meals). Can anyone say pederasty? This lifestyle' you embolden is really a deathstyle!"

"The only thing you'll be cooking is yourselves, for eternity."

"the next thing you know RONALD will be molesting our children. No big macks for this family."

"Are you also going to support open activity between man and beast? You are helping to open the door to bestiality, sex with children, plural homosexual marriages and the list goes on!"

"Dear, McDonald's. Last week I ate a cheeseburger at your restaurant. If I would've known it was created by gay loving hands, I wouldn't have purchased it. Don't you guys know gays were behind the holocaust? First Jews, and now the family. What is next, McDonald's? Are you going to help gays eradicate sand? WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT SAND!?!?"

"I recently saw two young teenagers making out. I figure McDonalds is no longer my kind of place. I think the sixteen year old worked there."

I just had a thought -- honest to God, I swear this wasn't where I was heading with this thing; I was just going to make a lot of snotty remarks about reductio ad absurdum and the McFaddin Family's feet -- but it occurs to me that McDonald's has done something brilliant:

They've deliberately offended a demographic they don't want.

For just $20,000, they've chased off all the crazy people who hang around McDonald's sputtering and ranting and making me not want to eat there.

It's genius.

Now, if they'd just bring back the McRib.

Comments

[Cybesq]

Frankly, I'm just surprised it's taken this long for AFA to act. Mayor McCheese was the first gay fast food mayor in the country and he was elected in the 70's. And Grimace? There was that Hamburgeling incident that involved children for Christ's sake.

I am praying that the AFA begins to boycott Exxon Mobil and the oil industry next. Didn't they see President Bush holding hands with Saudi Prince Abdullah? No gay oil in my Hummer, thank you. Wouldn't you rather use God's power of the sun to cool and heat your house?

(After the last one wonders into the pen, someone shut the gate).

[Amathyne]

Well, Grimace is purple, isn't he? What more proof do you need...

[Amathyne]

I'm so sure that their bank accounts bulging with that extra 20 grand, the gay and lesbian community will be able to fund a world takeover. Sounds to me like the AFA has a bit of extra time on their hands...

[oafishcad]

Ronald McD-hot gay icon?

[HarveyD]

God didn't sufficiently loathe "homos" to make it one of the 10 commandments. But "He" DID put adultery on that list. And since Jesus himself describes ANYONE who divorces and remarries as an adulterer (Luke 16:18) how come these santimonious bigots aren't standing in the doorway of their church harrassing the second marriage adulterers as they go in to pray? McHypocrites!

[RJC]

Cherry picking, as usual

[SanityClaus]

Wow, it's lunchtime here in CA and I just realized how hungry I am. Time to hop in the car and spend some of my gay dollars at the Golden Arches!

[DarkHelmut9er]

I love the Mcrib

and lesbians

[dogman44]

The phony bone in the Mcrib turns me off.

[bartonfink]

talk about bang for your buck(ha ha, a "big" bang, get it?)! 20k is not a lot of money to excise the lumbering slob, refried-jesus weezer demographic. although if the AFA flock start cutting out the kind of artery-clogging goodies mcDs purveys, they might live a little longer, which would be too bad for the country, and the world. maybe wildmon and his ilk can up their quota of little debbie snack cakes and big gulps to compensate. wait, have they forgiven 7-11 yet? it would be the christian thing to do...

[Summer71]

This makes me want to go to McDonald's every day. But only for diet coke. I stil can't eat the food. :)

[Titonwan]

You're too funny. You are in violation of too funny code 54321. Good one.

[GotRights]

"Now, if they'd just bring back the McRib."

And the Big N' Tasty!

[gumbygirl]

They had a flatbread chicken thing for awhile that was not bad, so naturally it disappeared. I hate to admit it, but sometimes only their fries will do!

[pakaal]

It's all well and good to mock this situation Mr. Kelly, but as someone who lives in Hawaii, the second to last comment about sand has me very nervous. This was the first time I'd come across a reference to the McDonalds-Homosexual-Holocaust-Sand connection. As the commenter put it so eloquently (and with unsparing use of all caps, as well):

"WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT SAND!?!?"

What, indeed?

[derrick99]

Really great post. I love satire, although admittedly you had and easy target. The only thing I would add is that there is an eerie similarity in tone, if not content (and spelling!), between the comments you shared and the comments on Huffington Post. Sorry, someone had to point it out.

[alieninvader]

I see what you're trying to do with your gay agenda. I just laughed so hard I knocked my greek salad over. Now I might have to go to McDonalds to get some crap instead.

[vale409]

If McDonald's backs off they're donation, then I'm boycotting them. There's your free market at work Bushies.

[MonoApe]

lol. Very good, Chris. Also, DickTater - "FABulous!" :)

Gotta love the AFA FAQ page:

"What Can I Do to Help?
[blah blah blah] ...
* Consider making a financial gift. We promise to be good stewards of what ever gift you can give."

Oh yeah, they'll look after your money just dandy. That new Mercedes ain't gonna pay for itself....

[pakaal]

My recommendation: McDonalds Gift Certificates.