THE BLOG
05/22/2007 12:27 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Medved Minute 5/22: Motherhood

I become more and more convinced that "Michael Medved" is actually a Philip K. Dick character, living in a reality only tangentially related to ours, and haunted by mental problems only space drugs can control. Med. As in "Meds."

"Ved." As in "Vacuum Erectile Device."

These days "Michael Medved" is mad as hell at an interview Katherine Heigl gave USA Today where she said she wanted to adopt children rather than have a "gruesome birthing scene" like the one depicted in her upcoming Universal Pictures release Knocked Up.

Now, here on Earth One, most people -- even made-up film critics -- understand that "actresses" on "junkets" have to answer endless moronic questions as if they have a deep and special bond with their character in the project. ("So, Reese, what drew you to the role of the first female medical examiner in Dodge City?" "Well, Byron, I always thought if I hadn't been an actress, I would have performed autopsies on cowboys.") But that's just one reality. On Spacestation Medved, Heigl's comments are an outrageous slap in the face to Motherhood.

"Did it never occur to her that suggesting that she's "done with the idea of having my own children" involved her expressed contempt for an experience that the overwhelming majority of women cherish and anticipate and value?"

And, obviously, it's the reason we cherish and value them. That and the housework. If you're not going to breed, why even be a woman?

We'll just let that puss up and scab over. The part I like is still coming up:

"Once upon a time, Hollywood stars went out of their way to show themselves as "regular guys" and "ordinary gals" despite their good looks, glamour and fame. The connection with the American Everyman remained the very essence of Ronald Reagan's appeal, for instance - in movies and in politics. It was no accident that Reagan, and Jimmy Stewart, and Clark Gable, and Henry Fonda, and even Elvis made it a point to serve in the military, like everyone else."

Ronald Reagan fought the Axis under Hal Roach in Culver City.

Jimmy Stewart flew bombers over Germany, but not to show he was a "regular guy" - he refused to publicize it at the time, or even discuss it for decades after.

Clark Cable was 41 in 1942, and didn't have anything to prove to anyone. He enlisted after his wife died flying to a bond rally.

Elvis "made it a point to serve" by getting drafted.

These aren't hard facts to check. Medved has tripped blindly through the wires of Aristotle's first rule of rhetoric, that "we must know some, if not all, of the facts about the subject on which we are to speak and argue." If not all, at least some.

Oh, and he also smells like pee.