Missing Sex Money Mystery Blonde: Day 26

Iceman: You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air you're unsafe.

Maverick: That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous! -- Top Gun

Wait a minute. John McCain's a navy aviator... and a maverick! And isn't his vanishing lobbyist gal pal named Vicki Iseman? Iseman? ICEMAN? Viet cong... VC... VICKI!!? She's his comrade... and his enemy! Connect the dots, people. Then do the math. Then wake up and smell the coffee. Then drink the coffee. I'll wait right here.

Eliot Spitzer's hooker has a song and we still haven't even heard John McCain's lobbyist speak. What gives?

How the hell did someone named Vicki Iseman become the only American since 9/11 entitled to privacy? This isn't about sex with John McCain. I don't want to hear the details. (Sweet merciful mother of God, I don't want to hear the details.) I just want to know she's alive.

And don't tell me she's not newsworthy. If there's no news value in a vacant-looking, pie-faced blonde nitwit who's never done anything, explain Heidi Montag.

--

Maybe, in about ten years or so, The Atlantic can rip the lid off Heidi Montag. It won't be any staler than this month's cover story on Britney Spears. (Did you know she's often followed by paparazzi? It's true!) Also in this issue, there aren't as many dead Iraqis as bleeding-hearts think, the Seventies were a good era for movies, and Christopher Hitchens finds Ezra Pound talented but controversial. Goddamn, what an awful magazine.

--

A couple of quick thoughts on the Atlantic's Britney story:

"The night is darker than usual, owing to smoke from a dozen wildfires that are burning as close as Malibu and around Lake Arrowhead."

Oooo... eerie. Except Lake Arrowhead is almost a hundred miles from where the author says he's sitting. Does he mean, "as close of Malibu and as far away as Lake Arrowhead?" Is fire that frightening? Is he Frankenstein's monster? What about the volcanoes "as close as Costa Rica?" They could blow any minute.

"It was easy to imagine legions of Internet-era Andrew Marvells staying up late in fluorescent-lit cubicles appending metaphysical exclamation points to celebrity photo captions that would rocket readers ever closer to the celestial objects of their desire..."

Easy for you to imagine. Why drag Andrew Marvell into this? What did he ever do to you?

"It is impossible for anyone who has spent even a modicum of time in the comments section of a celebrity blog to look at paparazzi pictures in the same way..."

Modicum sounds like "molecule," so children and science fiction writers think it means "small amount," but it doesn't. It means a moderate amount. So "even a modicum" doesn't tell you anything. It's like saying, "Anyone who eats even a fair amount of food will taste it." Or: "Reading even a number of pages of the Atlantic is a waste of time."

-- Radios probably shouldn't "crackle" three times in the same article. I'm also not sure anyone's ever actually heard a radio crackle, except when a creative writing class was reading their work aloud.

-- Kevin Federline can't be "fecund" unless women are always impregnating him. The field is fecund, the farmer less so. Maybe some other word would be better? Or none at all?

-- "Diagonally across the street, the core of the decayed downtown is wrapped around Frank Gehry's undulating, steel-clad concert hall, which looks like a giant steel-capped molar in a mouthful of rotting teeth."

One: It doesn't, and two: Oh my god. Disney Hall doesn't look any more like a steel-capped molar than your momma does. It is silvery, I suppose, but so are barracuda, Klondike bars, and the back of Steve Martin's head.

Also, it's not sitting in a mouthful of rotting teeth. Look:

From arcspace.com

It sits (like a molar, undulating) between the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion and a parking structure. Behind it are skyscrapers. They might look like rotting teeth, if rotting teeth looked like fully-occupied skyscrapers.

Does the non-existent urban (tooth) decay around Disney Hall make Los Angelinos gingivitis? Is the Staples Center a uvula? Or does it have to be the same color? Did you just take the Atlantic's travel money and stay home like a fluorescent-lit Andrew Marvell? Should you get some other kind of work, perhaps at a store?

Are you related to someone?

--

Speaking of Top Gun and blonde women who were never seen alive again, whatever happened to Kelly McGillis?

Shouldn't she be a psychiatrist on HBO or a lesbian on Showtime or something? Wait a second... Kelly McGillis: Lesbian Psychiatrist... in the old west! Call it Rio Lesbo. No. Dr. Queer: Medicine Woman. No. Stagecouch?

Jung Guns!

I've got to make a call.

Comments

[whitegoldwielder]

"How the hell did someone named Vicki Iseman become the only American since 9/11 entitled to privacy?"

Don't know but good for her. People like you are like undertakers but without the charisma.

[RogerHWerner]

Don't you understand the concept of satire? Kelly is being satirical and it's great stuff. He doesn't give a rats ass about Vicki Iseman anymore than I do but he's been making a point for the past month that the media should care because she's a lobbyist who likely needs to be looked at more closely for her relationship with McCain. Not sexual relationship but professional relationship and yes that's definitely a newsworthy story.

[BARRISTER]

whitegoldweilder, you missed the point.
all the hubris about Spitzer; about Rev.Wright; about Hillary' tax returns in the Press, yet McCain, like Bush in 2000 on his wife-beating, alchholism;drug addictions; business failures gets a PASS.!!

Thats the point dud!

See where those free passes given Bush have put America and the world? On the brink of collapse!!

[Maifmart]

Nobody wants to spoil the stereotype; the old sailor marries the much younger, rich, beautiful woman who owns a brewery, outing the navy heroes’ indiscretions would screw up the fairy tale.

[niikeb]

Must be one by the Grimm brothers, Greenspan and Berneke. I guess he rides in and saves the day and they ride off to dubai with their loot.

[BARRISTER]

Dont for McCains former wife who was his "present wife" when thedalliance with Miss Brewery began!!

Talk about double standards and forked tongues!!!

[PioneerKing]

Vicki Iseman is in the witness protection program.

[iswearington]

where is vicky iseman? where is margie schoedinger?

[RogerHWerner]

Hell, where is Erwin Schrodinger and his blasted cat?

[Wilburrr]

Could be in that cave, but I'm uncertain....

[Kundera]

A little obsessed, are you? And it must be frustrating that nobody cares except you.

[silenttristerosempire]

That the beauty of having right wing money control the media. Screw the truth, people will care what we tell them to care about. We don't give a rat's ass about John McCain's unethical behavior, we've got to cover the breaking story about Obama's middle name. I realize that you don't care Kundera. If the rest of America sinks to the level of you 30%er Bush Supporters, then I will care. But for now you are an impotent political minority

[Kundera]

It's amazing how "impotence" wins most of the elections.

[Dan Stewart]

I read the Atlantic article on BS. Agreed: an awful mag. Been getting it for years; it was once good -- no really, okay it was okay, just okay. But now... Uh, know really know why I continue to receive it, let alone actually read it. Over the last several years each issuis increasingly either 1) stupid,, or 2) warmongering.

Thank you for giving me the courage to stop reading it.

[TommyMcCarthy]

Ever since the word "provocative" came to be more-or-less universally regarded as complimentary.
Formerly, a journalist/pundit had to have something to SAY,.(or at least,.... to add)...a theme, ....a message, perhaps...........a point to be made,...... a new or different perspective.....

These days it seems that the main thing is to get a REACTION, even a negative one...often PREFERABLY a negative one...

In the absence of a point,or a perspective, just say something ....ANYTHING....the nastier and more mean-spirited the better!!!....truth or falsity be damned...mention some famous names and PROVOKE a reaction.

Mister Kelly's equation of Vicki Iseman with a professional sex worker, obviously insulting to all concerned.....isn't even funny ....if that was his intention. In his highly PROVACATIVE post Kelly has managed to insut quite a number of famous names, lesbians, women generally, my intelligence and the public discourse.

I look forward to his DVD.... "Misogyny Gone Wild"........Ugh!
With LACK of regard....­..........­.tm

[frank1569]

"How the hell did someone named Vicki Iseman become the only American since 9/11 entitled to privacy?"

Correction: the only American since 9/11 besides the "anthrax killer" entitled to privacy...

[BeyondGoodAndEvil]

Funny post! And I loved your reference to Heidi Montag. Iseman will probably show her bleached blonde bobble head, some time after the general election. Until then, the only chance of a sighting might be courtesy of the National Enquirer.

[Colmore]

Maybe she found a good hiding place with Jeff Gannon? Follow Rove, he will lead you to Jeffie, then Vicki.

[MaxMarginal]

Focus, Chris, Focus!

[fantagor]

I've heard my radio sizzle, hiss, fizzle, whine, sputter, splutter, wheeze, growl and burp. I’ve never heard it crackle. Makes me feel left out somehow.

Randy

[Bongborg]

Try pouring water in it.

[nyboomer]

I feel PUNished after this article.

[springsm]

Serious question? Is she still alive..and/or was she shipped off to Iraq?

[jerseypal]

Steel capped Molar is good. We have salvage yards in Jersey that would pass for art in LA. The Iseman thing is obviously an embarrassment for the NYT, an article about nothing.

[Cybesq]

Funny most of the real crap that passes for art in LA is purchased by obnoxious culture deprived humps from places like New Jersey.

[wisechild]

Nailed it!!

Funny it is and yet, I wonder about so many things after reading this post.

Vicki, come home your country needs you!

What the hell has happened to Atlantic Magazine?
Who cares about Britney?
Does the Iseman cometh?

Oh dear, in the midst of the ongoing insanity, there is a post from Chris Kelly and suddenly the world is alive and okay.

Except that Heidi Montag is still a faux celeb and I really don't understand...