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Mitt Romney Probably Won't Kill John McCain

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You have to be at least a little comforted by the idea of making Mitt Romney John McCain's vice president. The Mormons did such a nice job taking care of Howard Hughes during his decline. So there's that.

(Hughes certainly appreciated their care. When he died, he left an eighth of his estate to his key Mormon aides, a sixteenth to a Mormon drifter, and another sixteenth directly to the Latter-day Saints, a church he never attended.)

(The hand-written will was never executed, despite its unimpeachable provenance, turning up, as it did, in a desk drawer at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

(Those guys are always finding things!)

Yesterday, Politico reported the "hot buzz" that Romney is at the top of McCain's vice presidential short list. I'll believe it when I see it. For one thing, Politico doesn't cite any sources more specific than "sources." For another thing, it could be a transcription error. "Short list" and "shit list" sound a lot alike.

But wouldn't it be fun?

I think it'd keep McCain young, don't you? Having Mitt Romney around, waiting for him to die, and collecting samples of his handwriting. Imagine the White House sort of like Inspector Clouseau's place in the Pink Panther, with his man-servant Kato trying to kill him all the time, just to keep him sharp.

Speaking of things Mormons find, the Book of Mormon (provenance, a hole) talks a lot about Moroni's heroic assassin Teancum, "a true friend to liberty," who does God's chosen people a world of good by knocking off anyone who gets in his way.

And it came to pass that Teancum stole privily into the tent of the king, and put a javelin to his heart; and he did cause the death of the king immediately that he did not awake his servants.

The book doesn't say whether King Amalickiah left a will or not.

Amalickiah was replaced by his brother Ammoron. (I wonder if they other kids teased him about the name.) So Teancum had to off him too. Unfortunately, no one had instructed Teancum in the art of "mixing it up," so he thought he'd do him exactly the same way he did before.

And he went forth with a cord, from place to place, insomuch that he did find the king; and he did cast a javelin at him, which did pierce him near the heart. But behold, the king did awaken his servants before he died, insomuch that they did pursue Teancum, and slew him.

Anyway it all works out. Pretty soon Jesus and the Indians are living happily in Schenectady. And I'm sure John McCain has nothing to worry about. Mitt Romney's not ambitious like that. He's always doing nice, altruistic things like saving the Olympics.

And besides, where would he get his hands on a javelin?

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Another comforting thing for McCain? There hasn't been a really serious Mormon assassination plot since Porter Rockwell shot Governor Lilburn Boggs, and that was ages ago.

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Also, Rockwell wasn't a hothead like Teancum. His motto was:

"I never killed anyone that didn't need killing."

Which shows how the church had matured by the 1830s.

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"Teancum?" Mormon boys are supposed to not snicker at a guy named "Teancum?"