Mitt Romney Probably Won't Kill John McCain

You have to be at least a little comforted by the idea of making Mitt Romney John McCain's vice president. The Mormons did such a nice job taking care of Howard Hughes during his decline. So there's that.

(Hughes certainly appreciated their care. When he died, he left an eighth of his estate to his key Mormon aides, a sixteenth to a Mormon drifter, and another sixteenth directly to the Latter-day Saints, a church he never attended.)

(The hand-written will was never executed, despite its unimpeachable provenance, turning up, as it did, in a desk drawer at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)

(Those guys are always finding things!)

Yesterday, Politico reported the "hot buzz" that Romney is at the top of McCain's vice presidential short list. I'll believe it when I see it. For one thing, Politico doesn't cite any sources more specific than "sources." For another thing, it could be a transcription error. "Short list" and "shit list" sound a lot alike.

But wouldn't it be fun?

I think it'd keep McCain young, don't you? Having Mitt Romney around, waiting for him to die, and collecting samples of his handwriting. Imagine the White House sort of like Inspector Clouseau's place in the Pink Panther, with his man-servant Kato trying to kill him all the time, just to keep him sharp.

Speaking of things Mormons find, the Book of Mormon (provenance, a hole) talks a lot about Moroni's heroic assassin Teancum, "a true friend to liberty," who does God's chosen people a world of good by knocking off anyone who gets in his way.

And it came to pass that Teancum stole privily into the tent of the king, and put a javelin to his heart; and he did cause the death of the king immediately that he did not awake his servants.

The book doesn't say whether King Amalickiah left a will or not.

Amalickiah was replaced by his brother Ammoron. (I wonder if they other kids teased him about the name.) So Teancum had to off him too. Unfortunately, no one had instructed Teancum in the art of "mixing it up," so he thought he'd do him exactly the same way he did before.

And he went forth with a cord, from place to place, insomuch that he did find the king; and he did cast a javelin at him, which did pierce him near the heart. But behold, the king did awaken his servants before he died, insomuch that they did pursue Teancum, and slew him.

Anyway it all works out. Pretty soon Jesus and the Indians are living happily in Schenectady. And I'm sure John McCain has nothing to worry about. Mitt Romney's not ambitious like that. He's always doing nice, altruistic things like saving the Olympics.

And besides, where would he get his hands on a javelin?

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Another comforting thing for McCain? There hasn't been a really serious Mormon assassination plot since Porter Rockwell shot Governor Lilburn Boggs, and that was ages ago.

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Also, Rockwell wasn't a hothead like Teancum. His motto was:

"I never killed anyone that didn't need killing."

Which shows how the church had matured by the 1830s.

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"Teancum?" Mormon boys are supposed to not snicker at a guy named "Teancum?"

Comments

[Ankhst]

Great as always, Chris!

I'm still calling him Tater Mitts -- ever since I first saw the as-seen-on-TV product, it just seemed an appropriate nickname

[sufi66]

What a combo: Mr. synthetic and Mr. pathetic. But they share something . Each has never thought of helping anyone but himself -ever

[SouthpawSass]

ROFLMAO!!!

Good thing I read the article, cause based on the title alone, "Mitt Romney Probably Won't Kill John McCain," I thought your article was about his small game, vermin hunting days. McCain of course, being a small vermin himself, if you will.

[Clevelanded]

lol@ (Those guys are always finding things!)

[wmbear]

BEAUTIFUL, BRILLIANT...

One of the funniest things I've ever read. CK points up too how hard Joe Smith was trying to imitate the King James Bible and failing miserably. (The KJB would never be guilty of an infelicity like "insomuch that"....)

[mojopo]

You know what I hate? When the blog ends. Can you stop making that happen, Chris? I'd like to keep going.

[GoodDay]

I don't find the assassination of McCain by Vice-President Mitt Romney as too outlandish, given Romney's support by those neo-Con urban terrorists, Blackwater. For McCain to pick Romney would mean that the Bushies had completely taken McCain over, and McCain might just as well wait around for his own funeral, then Romney and Blackwater could take over the United States.

[wmbear]

HATE TO SAY IT BUT...

Romney probably wouldn't need to assassinate McCain, given the latter's age. I think that's partly why the Republicans are running him. The man they actually want to be President will be McCain's VP pick. (Who won't actually be picked by McCain but by the Republican powers that be....)

[PADDYWHACK]

And another thing,I wish we'd had religious figures with such deliciously scatological names.Please don't name your child with such a lifelong burden.

[jesusquintana]

I actually know some Mormon boys named Teancum.

[sarge]

Oh how I miss the "mitticisms". A Romney pick would provide us with so much entertainment between now and November.

Just the thought of a McCain/Romney ticket has given me the urge to re-rent "Tampopo" for the shrimp flip-flopping on the naked girl's tummy scene.

[wmbear]

IS "MITT" A CHARACTER...

In the Book of Mormon too?...

[kyblue]

God & Moroni, I love Chris Kelly

[BADEN]

Mitt leaves finger prints:

"How, in the course of just a few months, (Paul) Weyrich went from citing Romney’s “experience, vision and values” as making him best-suited to be President to declaring that he is absolutely unqualified to serve as McCain’s running mate is utterly mind-boggling: "

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/2008/04/paul_weyrichs_p.html

[anon004]

"Pretty soon Jesus and the Indians are living happily in Schenectady"

I think you mean Palmyra, which is where Joseph Smith had his first visions :-) Anyway, Chris, another gem!

[mojopo]

I thought it was Joe Smith from Poughkeepsie?

[bored2tears]

Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to find humor in Presidential politics.

That is why I am so grateful for your hilarious take on this year's campaigns -- especially the pitch-perfect eviscerations of "Mittens."

Brilliant, as usual.