Mitt Romney's Jesus is Just as Good as the Leading Brand
A lot of people think Mitt Romney chose to give his religion speech this week because he's afraid of the Rev. Mike Huckabee. (A man whose main qualifications for the Oval Office are a personal relationship with Jesus and the ability to lose weight.) Mike is breathing down Mitt's neck in Iowa, which can't be pleasant, because bulimics have terrible breath.
I think there's a simpler explanation and, touchingly, it has to do with faith. Mitt Romney made his religion speech during Hanukkah because he's the only candidate oily enough to burn for eight days.
If you missed the speech, it can be summed up pretty simply: He proclaimed the right of every American to freely and openly practice any religion, including his own, about which he won't divulge a single detail, even if you killed his children right in front of him, one after another.
And he doesn't care which of you atheist bastards and Islamic jihadists know it.
Now just give me your vote, and stop bothering me with all these questions. I've spent a lot of money.
--
It got a little slippery there for a second, what with name-checking Kennedy and Lincoln - who you'd think would have less to say about religion and more about gun control - but it came down to this:
1- Mitt loves religious freedom.
2- You love religious freedom.
3- Religious freedom is being threatened by atheists and people who ask Mitt a lot of fool questions about his relatives in the Star System Kolob.
4- If Mitt answers these questions, the ACLU will come to your town and kick over your crèche.
5- As long as we all love Jesus (or something more or less Jesus-ish) we can agree to disagree about the details.
6- If we disagree about the details, Jihadists will come and unstrenghen your family.
7- Wasn't it cool when George Bush Sr. crashed his plane and got picked up by that submarine?
8- I swear this was Mitt's opener.
9- Hey, George Bush is patriarchal and fell from the sky. Why don't we worship him?
Okay, to you and me it's all just the same old runny dogshit. You weren't going to vote for him anyway. Because you're reading a website, and computers work because of science. But did Romney make the sale to the evangelical values voters, the ones who pray people like us get struck down by a just and loving God, and it's painful and slow, and the sooner the better?
I don't think so.
Here's the difficult passage, the one Mitt raced through like the side effects of Nasonex:
There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ? I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. My church's beliefs about Christ may not all be the same as those of other faiths. Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance. Religious tolerance would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with which we agree.
In other words: I'm glad you asked that question. I'm not going to answer it. As a tribute to this great land of ours.
Because here's the thing that Mitt Romney can't say: The Mormon Jesus has about as much in common with Jesus of Nazareth as the Los Angeles Kings have with King Tut. They have the same name, kind of, and that's it.
The Gospel Jesus lived in Galilee. The Mormon Jesus lived in Albany. (Where he fought the Indians. Because he wasn't just the Lamb of God, he was also the Last of the Mohicans.) Mormon Jesus? Three wives, a planetful of kids. Gospel Jesus? Living alone and loving it.
It doesn't even have the theological weight to be heresy; it's a simple case of mistaken identity.
And I know that sounds like I'm being flip, but that's only because I don't care. But if it matters to you, it really, really matters.
Mitt Romney wants Christians to think that Mormonism is just another "brand." (He called it a brand earlier this week, in Manchester. Which is how most really devoted people talk about their faith.) But most Christians are pretty brand loyal. It's kind of important to them. They didn't just choose their church for the parking. They like to think they've put some thought into it.
Evelyn Waugh thought that the difference between the real church (Roman Catholicism) and some fake-o crap (Anglicanism) was so obvious that if you couldn't figure it out, it was your problem. He said that trying to explain it was like trying to teach an Australian about architecture.
Mitt Romney doesn't want to explain anything. He just wants to blur the distinctions, change the subject, and make the sale.
Mitt Romney isn't proud of his faith. If he were, he wouldn't react to questions about it like he'd just been asked to describe his parents having sex.
He could put this whole thing to rest by answering one question about his Jesus, just so we know we've got the right guy: Was he Satan's brother? If the answer is "yes" -- and the Book of Mormon says it is -- Mitt and Pat Robertson are talking about two totally different Middle Eastern drifters.
See where profiling will get you?
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"He who begins by loving Christianity better than truth will proceed by loving his own sect of church better than Christianity and end in loving himself better than all."
Coleridge
If God lived on Earth people would break his windows.
Old Yiddish Proverb
Huckabee out did himself today, on video interview on fox news on his past comments on quarantining the AIDS Victims, imagine how popular he would have been ordering the child Ryan White into quarantine for being infected via a blood transfusion, he defended these comments today, reminded me of how he dodged the issue of where would Jesus be on death penalty issue in debates, he made a joke and insinuated Jesus was too smart to run for office, as if no one knows of Jesus's anti-death penalty stance in the parable of the adulteress, so too Huckabee must believe no one knows how his mirror image the biblical Pharisees isolated, kicked out of society the biblical lepers whom in that time were deemed sinful, and the leprosy a sign of their sin, and punishment by god, but ironic the messiah Jesus whom is on tip of almost everything Huckabee claims too be connected with, did not ignore the lepers, but ministered too them, healed them, funny how Huckabee a understudy too a televagelist {false prophets who preach prosperity and self enrichment religion], likes only the parts of Jesus's teachings which will gain him the right wing vote..., but if Jesus were here today he would be labeled a bleeding heart liberal for ministering too the poor, hungry, naked those sick and in prison....
"Mysteries are not neccessarily miracles."
Goethe
"Faith is never identical with piety."
Barth
As a democrat, baptist christian, Romney is a gift horse that will never cease giving in a national election, he is totally unelectable, once he gets the republican nomination which I hope he does, his mormon faith will doom him, since they are a cult, which believes in a mythical golden tablet found in a forest in USA in 1800's, are notoriously racist, believe the blacks were marked with the curse of cain, and until sued in federal court denied them access too their churches, and even today, have rogue members who practice polygamy, and whom do it openly or in secret, so one cannot say what Romney does in secret, or believes in heart..., he is preaching racism today with anti-hispanic rhetoric, which is maybe unfair too him since all the republicans are pandering too their racist faction the dixiecrats they adopted in 1960's who fled the democratic party..., once he runs in national elections and his church doctrine is exposed in ads, he will be like the bubonic plague...t
Hey, Chris, you're a fun read! Informative, but with considerable English on the ball. I'll come back, particularly while the Daily Show's writers are on strike.
Romney postulates that our rights came from God. Wrong. Our rights came from our Constitution. Instead of "In God We Trust" we should have our motto as "In Our Constitution We Trust." The authors of our Constitution figured individuals could run their own lives, without elaborate religions, kings, communal lifestyles and the like. However, if someone wanted to be told how to live in the United States, they were free do choose such a group. We have a lot of these outfits, from the Communist Party, to Mormon and Moslem and Scientology, to extremist colleges where the kids are told what to think or they have to go to sensitivity training. Personally, I like to think for myself. That you James Madison and Thomas Jefferson!
To be fair, I've known some very intelligent Mormons (including a university professor who has done ground-breaking research in biochemistry). Personally, I find a lot of Mormon beliefs bizarre and absurdly unlikely (about on the same level as Scientology), but then, I'm a Christian, so I know that a lot of you assume that I'm a few stones shy of a load. And then there's modern science (which, contrary to popular belief, is not a subject that I've found most atheists I've talked to especially knowledgable about) which gives us the reality of Schrodinger's cat and (according to Dr. Tipler in "The Physics of Immortality") the concept that time itself is just an illusion. And Godel's theorem makes it clear that complex informational systems must always contain contradictions so nothing can be 100% certain in any case. My conclusion? We all live our lives with really weird belief systems that are shaped at least as much by our ignorance as by our knowledge, and by our fears, wishes and prejudices as by our open-mindedness. (But we do so enjoy feeling superior to those whose weird beliefs we don't share!)
Nevertheless, it is 100% certain that Romney was blatantly hypocritical for invoking religious tolerance in relation to Mormonism and Christianity while denying it to atheists, agnostics, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, et al.
Romney has my tolerance, but he won't be getting my vote. He says he strongly believes Mormanism. In my view, if you strongly believe something, its fair for you to be judged on those beliefs. I was given a Book of Mormon in college and read parts of it. It's obviously fabricated. If Romney believes it, he must be an idiot or have really bad judgement. We have already tried a president with these qualities and it doesn't seem to be working out very well.
Will the real Jesus please stand up?
Christ Kelly sort of misses the point (or two) when he says that Romney's Jesus is almost as good as the real thing. Who is the real Jesus and how is that determined anyway?
People who claim to have a relationship with Jesus scare me to death! Huckabee and Romney are two of a kind - but there are plenty more in the White House who make the same claim. Their acts are the most unchristian in our county's history!
And, then, of course there are the leading evangel-fruits & nuts who also think that they know the real Jesus and that he even talks to them! (Spare me!)
May I ask who it was who determined that religion is a criterion for the presidency or any other public office. In fact, anyone who makes the claim should be removed from the list of candidates immediately!
Well fuck it, I’m tiered of playing games. I lived in other states like Texas and Nevada. But I was born and raised in northern Utah. 95% of the posts I see here on Huff-Po about Mormons are just plane ignorant. You people are attacking, like ravenous dogs, something you know nothing about.
I have been a critic of Mormonism for over 20 years and my perspective comes from experience. Most of the critiques I read here are just plain ignorant and laughable.
It sucks that I find myself in the position of defending this religion against foreigners, Or so it seems that I am.
And the biggest thing is how you all attack Mormon dogma so viciously yet do not do the same for other religions even though their dogma is just as stupid.
GWW Living in one of the most beautiful states in the union. The land is awe inspiring and cannot be explored in a human lifetime.
This post is funnier - but not scarier - than the thought of this guy becoming President.
I am still crying with laughter..
His religion worries me.
HE terrifies me.
The specter of a Romney Presidency is enough to make me want to join Tom Tancredo, and erect an impregnable border fence... around Arizona.
Excellent.
funniest post i've read on here since nora ephron's about--well, one of hers. but i missed hearing the part about finding the book of mormon in a hole in the backyard. and the house with 36 front doors, one for each of brigham young's 36 wives. oh, maybe it was 29. he loved them all.
If you think about it, all these christians should really be at each others throats, not just Catholics and Mormons.
In B4 Love Thy Neighbor, how many people actually believe that, besides, it really means "don't kill other jews," and was reformed to fit liberal ideals.
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