Mitt Romney's Jesus is Just as Good as the Leading Brand

A lot of people think Mitt Romney chose to give his religion speech this week because he's afraid of the Rev. Mike Huckabee. (A man whose main qualifications for the Oval Office are a personal relationship with Jesus and the ability to lose weight.) Mike is breathing down Mitt's neck in Iowa, which can't be pleasant, because bulimics have terrible breath.

I think there's a simpler explanation and, touchingly, it has to do with faith. Mitt Romney made his religion speech during Hanukkah because he's the only candidate oily enough to burn for eight days.

If you missed the speech, it can be summed up pretty simply: He proclaimed the right of every American to freely and openly practice any religion, including his own, about which he won't divulge a single detail, even if you killed his children right in front of him, one after another.

And he doesn't care which of you atheist bastards and Islamic jihadists know it.

Now just give me your vote, and stop bothering me with all these questions. I've spent a lot of money.

--

It got a little slippery there for a second, what with name-checking Kennedy and Lincoln - who you'd think would have less to say about religion and more about gun control - but it came down to this:

1- Mitt loves religious freedom.

2- You love religious freedom.

3- Religious freedom is being threatened by atheists and people who ask Mitt a lot of fool questions about his relatives in the Star System Kolob.

4- If Mitt answers these questions, the ACLU will come to your town and kick over your crèche.

5- As long as we all love Jesus (or something more or less Jesus-ish) we can agree to disagree about the details.

6- If we disagree about the details, Jihadists will come and unstrenghen your family.

7- Wasn't it cool when George Bush Sr. crashed his plane and got picked up by that submarine?

8- I swear this was Mitt's opener.

9- Hey, George Bush is patriarchal and fell from the sky. Why don't we worship him?

Okay, to you and me it's all just the same old runny dogshit. You weren't going to vote for him anyway. Because you're reading a website, and computers work because of science. But did Romney make the sale to the evangelical values voters, the ones who pray people like us get struck down by a just and loving God, and it's painful and slow, and the sooner the better?

I don't think so.

Here's the difficult passage, the one Mitt raced through like the side effects of Nasonex:

There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ? I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and the Savior of mankind. My church's beliefs about Christ may not all be the same as those of other faiths. Each religion has its own unique doctrines and history. These are not bases for criticism but rather a test of our tolerance. Religious tolerance would be a shallow principle indeed if it were reserved only for faiths with which we agree.

In other words: I'm glad you asked that question. I'm not going to answer it. As a tribute to this great land of ours.

Because here's the thing that Mitt Romney can't say: The Mormon Jesus has about as much in common with Jesus of Nazareth as the Los Angeles Kings have with King Tut. They have the same name, kind of, and that's it.

The Gospel Jesus lived in Galilee. The Mormon Jesus lived in Albany. (Where he fought the Indians. Because he wasn't just the Lamb of God, he was also the Last of the Mohicans.) Mormon Jesus? Three wives, a planetful of kids. Gospel Jesus? Living alone and loving it.

It doesn't even have the theological weight to be heresy; it's a simple case of mistaken identity.

And I know that sounds like I'm being flip, but that's only because I don't care. But if it matters to you, it really, really matters.

Mitt Romney wants Christians to think that Mormonism is just another "brand." (He called it a brand earlier this week, in Manchester. Which is how most really devoted people talk about their faith.) But most Christians are pretty brand loyal. It's kind of important to them. They didn't just choose their church for the parking. They like to think they've put some thought into it.

Evelyn Waugh thought that the difference between the real church (Roman Catholicism) and some fake-o crap (Anglicanism) was so obvious that if you couldn't figure it out, it was your problem. He said that trying to explain it was like trying to teach an Australian about architecture.

Mitt Romney doesn't want to explain anything. He just wants to blur the distinctions, change the subject, and make the sale.

Mitt Romney isn't proud of his faith. If he were, he wouldn't react to questions about it like he'd just been asked to describe his parents having sex.

He could put this whole thing to rest by answering one question about his Jesus, just so we know we've got the right guy: Was he Satan's brother? If the answer is "yes" -- and the Book of Mormon says it is -- Mitt and Pat Robertson are talking about two totally different Middle Eastern drifters.

See where profiling will get you?

Comments

[brizzle]

This is the only part I disagree with:

"But most Christians are pretty brand loyal. It's kind of important to them. They didn't just choose their church for the parking. They like to think they've put some thought into it."

I'd say, no...they don't put thought into it. Most Christians follow their parents' faith...some choose, most don't. This is what makes religion like a cult.

[nilscrasher]

Not that I disagree with the sentiment, but can somebody please do at least as much research about my faith as say, Christopher Hitchens. At least his book gets the details right. Seriously, it's like two clicks on Google and you can go to the Mormon's website and read about what they actually believe.

I mean, your point isn't too far off, why ruin it with sloppy research?

Jesus is Jesus is Jesus. I just wish somebody would pass a damn health plan so that I can immigrate back from Italy.

[spectator27]

Mitt didn't comment on Mormon underwear or anything on Mormon beliefs.

[niikeb]

Is it bad when an anti-abortion Christian feels more at home at Huffington Post then at one of the Right Wing sites like Townhall?

Its sickening the amount of "Your a traitor if you vote Ron Paul hes against the war" "Your a Traitor if you don't think Huckabee raising taxes is evil" "Hillery is more evil then Rudy, so you cant vote 3rd party" "you have to vote for Mitt and if you say hes an Idiot your a Bigot If you say you wont vote for someone that wacky your a Bigot"

Its sickening the amount of people telling you who you have to vote for. My vote is MINE and MINE only. Yes I hate the War in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay Prison! Yes I'm Pro Union! Yes I'm Anti NAFTA! Yes I Hate Abortion. If Bush wanted to Ban Abortion he could have with large majorities in the senate and house and 5/9 Supreme court justices. But then Christians no longer will rally around the Republican flag.
Why Isn't College free for everyone? And how is Health care for kids remotely wrong? If a Church Marries gay people thats their choice But its also My choice to not attend that church. Government shouldn't care.

Many Christians really are with the Republicans For one reason, Abortion. Over 80% of Americans think it needs some form of limitation. We are more democratic on the idea of unions and health care for kids, we don't care about taxes that much. We don't think being gay is permitted in the Bible but lying and lusting after your neighbors wife are also forbidden. Thats your life with God not mine. We all got our problems, and I shouldn't hate anyone for anything.

So whats my point? Pre Roe Vs Wade, most evangelicals were Democrats like Billy Graham.
The only thing really holding them to the Republicans is Abortion.

The Republicans know this, thats why they need to convince everyone to vote for things they hate.

[SteveRetired]

I love this Carl Sagan quote. Come on. It's the 21st century, time to give up believing in the Tooth Fairy!

As Carl Sagan so aptly put it in his book Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors, “After being raised from childhood to believe that our ancestor, our “Creator”, is king of the universe, it is most difficult to now accept that we actually come from the lowest forms…mud, slime, and mindless beings too small to be seen with the naked eye.
This concept of a creator, a very old and comfortable conceit, a safe and politically correct view of our world and its creation, has really been crumbling for centuries. Science has provided the greatest service by awakening us to our true circumstances. There is no longer a need to invoke a god, or to explain our existence through a rebellious angel and the almighty. There is no sign, or proof, of divine guidance. Chaos is being turned into order in this universe through laws of nature that we are now able to grasp; motion, gravity, physics, and chemistry.”

[MrJoyboy]

If Satan was Jesus's brother, and Mary was Jesus's mother, then was Mary also Satan's mother? And who was the father? God?

[cognate]

It's ridiculous to think that God came out of a vulva.

- Tertullian, 3rd century

[LeoMarvin]

"The Mormon Jesus lived in Albany." Making him a lot more likely to resemble the Jesus depicted by the mainstream Christians than the Middle Eastern Jesus they were supposedly depicting. And what's my point, you may ask? Exactly.

[Riverwolf]

This whole debate is ridiculous, and I'm certainly no Romney fan. Mormon, Baptist, Catholic, Hare Krishna--whatever! America is supposed to be a country where religious variety is tolerated, but obviously that isn't true. Look, I know the basics of the Mormon church, and it's just another variation on the Jesus thing. As an atheist, it's all the same to me. Of course a person's religion (or lack of one) informs how they will be president---is this supposed to be news? I think the media is trying to drum up fear about Mormonism. My best friends as a kid were Mormons and I went to their church, and I wasn't sacrificed or brainwashed. And I have cousins who are Mormon, and they haven't even tried to convert me yet. Besides, Mormons have beautiful temples--I'd put my money on a faith that builds beautiful temples any day over one that meets in some derelict warehouse. For some reason that makes sense to me. So blather on about religion--what we really need to discuss is why, in a country that is supposed to separate politics and religion, we'll never elect an "out" atheist.

[PAFirefighter]

Bravo, Chris!

You've never written anything funnier - or more truthful.

PA Firefighter

[Rog49Thomas]

As usual with political discourse in our country there is a lot of hypocrisy and sloppy thinking.

Let's put aside the hypocrisy of Republicans squealing about religious tests and deal with the more substantive issue of appeals to the Constitution.

With respect to religion, the Constitution forbids the establishment of a state religion and a religious test for office. As far as I can tell both remain pristine.

Brother Mitt is not being compelled to exchange his own sober creed for some fringe belief like Scientology.

Nor is there a religious test for office as say in Lebanon where only Christians (Maronites preferred) may run for President. Brother Mitt is a registered candidate and participating in elections.

However, as far as I know (and as a former Republican I am able to channel the intent of the Founders though admittedly not as well as before I apostatized) the Constitution does not impose on which factors citizens may use as the basis for their votes. Factors trivial and critical are used. Emotion. Reason. Tolerance. Prejudice.

Thus, his appeal to the Constitution is at best sloppy thinking. And at worst deception.

Perhaps, he is appealing for tolerance and fair mindedness. Fine and noble sentiments, though again a bit strange coming from a party whose stock in trade is the opposite.

As to questions about his religious beliefs, I see no reason why these are beyond the pale. I for one would not want someone from the Church of Jesus Christ Christian in public office any more than an atheist from the White Citizens Councils. And by exploring deeply held beliefs, I can form an idea about a candidate's reasoning ability and common sense. If for whatever reason (religious or secular), a candidate believed that the heliocentric model of the solar system was wrong, I probably wouldn't want that individual's finger on the proverbial trigger. That doesn't mean I want to impose my view on him or infringe his rights. But rather that I judged him not fit to serve.

[saami]

Romney is a religious bigot and clearly said so in his speech. He didn't give a JFK speech; he gave an insulting bigoted speech. Jefferson and Madison gave us freedom from religion as well as freedom of religion. You don’t need religion to be free in fact it is easier to be free without religion demanding that you do it’s bidding. Religion and a belief in god is a personal thing. I am happy for people who love their god and religion as long as they leave me alone and don’t try to impose in any way their beliefs on me or the rest of Americans.

[choirgirl]

NO, it wasnt Albany, you're confused!! if Jesus had ever been in albany, we never would have had 12 years of Geo. Pataki.... the mormon jesus is from Palmyra, a little outside of rochester. so, my jesus can beat up your jesus?? it doesnt matter anyway, because I'm jewish, so i guess i'll be headed for hell anyway...

[ianrthorpe]

Now over at gather.com earlier I came across a fundie who argued on the topic of separation of state and religion that what the constitution guarantees is freedom of religion, i.e. freedom to be whatever religion you choose, not fredom from religion - the freedom not to follow a religion.
Being a fundie, the writer then argued that as the founding fathers were evangelical christians what they really meant was freedom to be any kind of christian you choose so long as it is protestant.
If America elects another religious nut who appeals to these people, you country is in deeper shit than the rest of us.

http://machiavelli.blog.co.uk/2007/11/30/blake_s_heaven_another_message_from_beyo~3375645

[DemandTruth]

I could sum up his speech in three statements!

1. We should all be tolerant of religions, even ones we don't agree with.

2. Secularism/atheism is a religion.

3. Let's all hate on those traitorous, treasonous, blashpemous secularists/athiests!

Circular logic if ever there was any.