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Mitt Romney's Porn Problem

05/25/2011 12:10 pm ET

Mitt Romney doesn't know porn, but he knows what he likes. And he doesn't like a children's book called King & King.

Last Friday, he was telling the National Right to Life Convention about his deep and recent feelings on abortion -- lately he's against it -- and he kind of drifted off subject:

"And parents of a child in second grade were told that their son is required to listen to the reading of a book called The King and the King (sic) about a prince who marries another prince. The school's rationale was since same sex marriage was legal, the education system should advance the idea... I immediately drafted and introduced legislation to grant religious liberty protection, but the legislature wouldn't even take it up."

I know that doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the high purpose of the Right to Life Convention -- punishing sluts -- but you can see Romney thinking it's the kind of thing they'd like to hear.

Mitt Romney: You'll come for the pandering. But you'll stay for the gay bashing.

Now, for all I know, Massachusetts is knee-deep in abortions -- I try to avoid it, by flying into Providence instead -- but it's unlikely that the women having them are grade-school lesbians.

It's an applause getter, but it isn't logical. Almost makes you wonder what other kinds of crazy things he believes.

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There are vague grumblings on the right-wing web sites about another Mitt Romney values issue. This one involves his ten years as a board member at Marriott, and how they seem to have made millions of dollars off in-room porn. Millions and millions. And millions.

According to an article I just cut and pasted from somewhere, pay-per-view sex in American hotel rooms may generate $190 million a year. (Especially when Charlie Sheen is single.) About 1.5 million hotel rooms are wired for adult films and they make more money than the minibar, which is hard to believe, because I had a Toblerone at the Boston Ritz in 1990 and I'm still paying for it.

According to another article I'm lazily plagiarizing, Mitt Romney sat on the Marriott Board from 1993 to 2002, may or may not still own Marriott stock, and reported an $80,000 campaign donation arranged by J.W. Marriott last April.

Personally, I don't care what hotels do. (I just wish they'd make a little shampoo bottle with a top I could open when I'm in the shower and my hands are wet. How hard is that? And did I mention the Toblerone?) But -- again, according to right wing anti-porn wackos, so sue them and not me -- Marriott has provided its guests with entertainment including:

Bad Wives 2


Bi Bi American Pie

Dark Meat Sandwich

Hustler's All Girl Slumber Party

Kinky Kouples Sex Games

Maximum Ram


Nasty Office Nymphs


Naughty Neighbors


Naughty Collegiate Schoolgirls

Newlywed Infidelities


Quick n' Nasty - Petite Poundings

Risque Biz & Bad Habits

Spring Break Pantyhoes


Ten Xtreme - Interracial Facials

Three Women & a Resort


Women in Uniform Special


Young As They Come

And they've taken that money, and given it to Mitt Romney, so he can bitch about King & King.

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You know what's great about Google? You get scared that you've opened yourself up to a lawsuit from the Marriott Corporation, so you retype a porn title you've copied, but you get it wrong, and Google replies:

Did you mean: interracial facials

Mitt Romney's right. That's what schools should be teaching, instead of that King & King nonsense. "Interracial" has two r's.

And now I have to change internet providers, and take my MacBook, and burn it in the backyard.

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