Save $125 Million, And Enjoy the Show!

If Barack Obama is looking to save money next year, he might want to reexamine the $125 million we spent in 2008 on a program encouraging oafs to use their cell phones while I'm trying to watch a movie.

I'm talking about the money the Army National Guard gave LM&O Advertising to put that douchebag Kid Rock video in front of every movie I saw this year; the video that tells you to get on your cell phone -- right now! -- and hear it again.

You know the one. And if you don't, here it is:

And why shouldn't you watch it, fellow taxpayer? As Laurie Anderson would say, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You've already paid for this."

You've paid $125,000,000.

Of course that's not all up there on the screen. That's the entire National Guard contract with LM&O Advertising of Arlington, Va. And $125 million dollars might seem like a lot of money, but it's still only about 5/6ths the size of the National Endowment for the Arts.

Wanna watch it again?

Why did it cost so much money to make a two and a half minute film? Here's Dave Marinaccio, creative director of LM&O:

"In theaters, your competition isn't Bank of America, American Express, Coca-Cola or McDonald's. It's Batman, Iron Man and Meryl Streep. If you're going to play in that field you need to do it right or not at all."

Which is why they -- we -- hired an Academy Award-winning director, James Mangold, and a brilliant, Academy Award-nominated cinematographer, Wally Pfister.

(And then we put Kid Rock in it. As my friend Larry Doyle once said, "It's like buying a Ming vase and filling it with dog shit.")

And then they -- we -- put it on 27,079 screens in 3,117 theaters for two months. Which sounds like a long time, but it's barely twice the original theatrical run of Citizen Kane.

LM&O claim that the two-month run "generat(ed) over 124 million impressions," but I can only name two: "Oh, no" and "Oh, no, not again."

I feel like 124 million is the number of times I've sat through it myself.

(And I still don't see the Afghan village scene coming. Do you? The part where Afghani Elijah Wood's soccer ball rolls in front of the convoy, and the convoy stops, and the National Guard guy gets out and kicks it back? I'll bet that happens all the time.)

(My second favorite part? The way that douchebag Kid Rock screams "I AM LOYALTY!" just as Dale Earnhardt Jr. bangs into those other cars and they explode. Were the other drivers being disloyal? Am I missing something?)

(And that awful song. Like Bob Seger does death metal for PlayStation.)

Then, even when you think it's finally over, Dale Earnhardt Jr. comes out and invites the audience to get on their cell phones.

Think about it:

1. You're being forced to watch a commercial at the movies.
2. It's for a war there's a 50% chance you despise.
3. They made it with your money.
4. This douchebag Kid Rock is in it.
5. He's browbeating you about how he's a better citizen than you are.
6. Now turn on your cell phone. The feature's about to start.

And people say we haven't been asked to sacrifice.

It's like the folks at the Pentagon got "recruiting" and "enhanced interrogation" mixed up.

Here's LM&O account executive Jason Fulmines:

"You have a captive audience. And after they're looking at ad after ad, this gives them something different to do."

And what's the American way to treat captives? Force them to watch propaganda and howl in their faces about freedom.

We may never know how much "Warrior" actually cost to produce. The Department of Defense has spent about $1.5 billion a year since 2001 on recruiting and advertising, but it doesn't break out advertising from its overall recruitment and advertising budget.

$1.5 billion sounds like a lot of money, but it's only ten times the budget of the National Endowment for the Humanities.

I don't know where the producers of "Warrior" found Afghanistan's cleanest village, but it sure looks like a redressed Mexican village on some movie ranch considerably closer to Santa Clarita than Kabul. The parade at the end was shot on Seinfeld Street at CBS Radford in Studio City.

The same lot where John Wayne had his fake war in Sands of Iwo Jima.

And where they made Gilligan's Island.

Who didn't have an exit strategy either.

Comments

[JTyroler]

Fortunately, I haven't seen these - but how exactly is Kid Rock "loyalty"? Is it because he was willing to take tax payer money to scream that he's "loyalty"?

[gage]

Obama is going to continue the current drawdown of troops in Iraq, and increase the number in Afghanistan. He considers the war in Afghanistan very important, even if you think it's just a joke.

He'll need troops and if he can't get them by recruiting them with programs like this one, he'll have to draft them. Would you like to see that happen? I wouldn't.

I know you think citizen soldiers, firefighters, etc, are low class and kind of icky, but you need them and so will our next president.

President Obama will have to conduct at least two wars. You can mock recruitment all you want, but we are in very serious times. If you can think of ways to help, please make yourself useful. Mocking National Guardsmen is not helpful.

[Mabo]

Forced to watch it? Is your butt glued to the seat? No...you forced YOURSELF to watch it so you could blather on and on about how you hate being "forced" to watch something that you could just as easily walk out on...but that would be the easy solution.

[ThankYouVeryMuch]

What a cheesefest! But if you you go to the LMAO webiste, you'll understand why.

[RuthlessDictator]

I believe that mainstream commercial movie cinemas are pretty much falling out of favor, although small-scale art houses and of course stage plays will thrive. Advertisers know this so they are milking it for all its worth while they still have a chance.

[JBS]

If they're gonna' make a National Guard commercial, shouldn't they be able to find musicians and actors who actually served?

[davidly]

Yes, it's beyond disgusting. In a world where the moviegoer is blind to the propaganda in their "entertrainment", I'd hope such as this would wake one up to that reality. But what movies are we talking about here? While the advertisement is relatively obvious, nary a fan of the newly martyred Joker noticed (or gave a crap about) the obvious use of a comic book hero to champion high tech weaponry capable of sparing innocents, when we all know that no such weapons exist.

On the bright side, you didn't see this ad at the Music Box or Facets in Chicago. And, hey! You know what? The movies are actually good there!

[Rayme]

I use to go to the movies all the time, the last time I went and saw this lovely Propaganda piece, I walked out and demanded my money back and told them why I was not returning to the movies in the near future. The children that they hire nowadays just stared at me all confused. Shoot, the military should not be allowed to sign up anyone until they are old enough to drink in this country.

[wolfgangmo]

Good for you.

But you complained to the wrong people. Send an email bomb to the board and president of the theater chain. Talking to minimum wage worker drones does you no good, and as you mentioned, it only confuses them.

[Huffingbrownbag]

Kid Rock can't even fight his way out of a waffle house. Don't we as taxpayers expect more out of the Army National Guard?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMKP_HxRkzs

[ThankYouVeryMuch]

HA! Good one.

[melakfilms]

This ad is obviously aimed directly at the mouth-breathers who still believe WWF is an actual sport. I served from 1987-1991 and fought in the first Persian Gulf war. Some things I would've changed in this commercial: The music. Worst song, ever (if it can even be construed as such). To add a charge of reality to the commercial, I would've left in the scene with the soldier kicking the soccer ball - only in my version it would've exploded, sending his extremities raining down upon his comrades. THEN you show the kid smiling. Should've shown at least one detainee dogpile, complete with a soldier giving the thumbs up. What the soldier's thumb would be up I'd leave to the director. This would convey how strong we, as Americans, are and our might cannot be countenanced. End the video with footage of Bush saying, "Bring it on..." (Since that's what this video basically conveys, mostly via its lyrics.)

The producers of this commercial know that American youth is wising up, thanks in most part to the internet offering scads of reality-based information that cannot have propaganda laced throughout. They realize they just had their asses handed to them by this new "Obama-Nation". Now that they're being forced to enlist the lowest hanging fruits, they must address this audience as such. Shame the rest of us are forced to view it as well.

[rockyersocksoff]

Thank you.

[AZAcct]

LOL...this is a GREAT post! I thought my boyfriend and I were the only ones annoyed by this....turns out we should have been more annoyed and that we are not alone :)

[BerkeleyHills]

Well done sir.

I dam near choked to death on a chocolate raisen the first time I saw the thing. (Like you don't bring your own candy into the theater...) I had a "PRODUCERS" moment, along with the entire audience. One of those pure community moments that don't come along that often at the movies anymore. We all tittered, look embarrased, then...one and all, got pissed. (A few folks the real real deal.)

On the slightly serious side. This was truly crummy filmmaking at its Walmart best. The friends I was with the first time I saw the short knew a thing or two about making a movie and both had to resesitated. Another person in the group stared strait ahead silently. (He may have made a few bucks off distribution and didn't want to get savaged.)

Perfect follow the money post.

Well done sir.

(I remember my father marching with his unit in a small town welcome home parade when the Connecticut National Guard came back from the Korean War. The strongest memory is of the marching men wearing the old-style helmets. Citizen Soldiers. My heart almost came out of my chest. One of America's finest institutions abused for eight years.)

[13ben]

did anyone notice the Ad agency's name.... LM&O????

looks strangely similar to: LMAO..... and that's what they did when they got that $125 Million.....

[temashana]

I guess it's a good thing that I've not been to the cinema in a while as I was able to miss this dreadful advert. It made me want to throw-up. I hope Obama gets rid of all this wasteful spending.

[gifu]

Why not just offer them a lifetime of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Slipknot albums and methamphetamine for a signing bonus?? Kid Rock as an emissary for National Guard recruitment?? Here to save the world, it is the Mississippi Mullet Militia!! Shoot me now, please!