Todd Palin Is the Dick Cheney of Dumbasses

The difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is Sarah Palin didn't flunk out of college. Dick Cheney did, so he has an excuse when he can't understand the difference between illegal and unethical. Sarah Palin should know better.

Smart? Ask anyone at the Weekly Standard: Sarah Palin is John C. Calhoun with ovum. So when a report to the Alaska legislature specifically finds her actions legal but unethical, and she makes a statement like:

"Well, I'm very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing, any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that."

It's hard to know what to make of it. It can't be that she's a simpleton. (She can see Russia from her house, and Sholem Aleichem was from there, and he was a genius.) So she must be a liar.

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The idiot is Todd.

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The Branchflower Report on Troopergate reads like Sholem Aleichem took Dick Cheney and moved him to Chelm, the village of fools.

Bush and Cheney had their obsession with Saddam Hussein, and their backwoods doppelgangers, Sarah and Todd, had this poor peckerwood named Mike Wooten.

In both cases, the enemies had started out as friends. Saddam Hussein had been America's client in the Iran-Iraq War. Mike Wooten was married to Todd's sister-in-law, Molly.

In both cases, an administration came to power with a secret agenda. Bush/Cheney, to remove Saddam Hussein and change the face of the Middle East. The Palins, to get their ex-brother-in-law shitcanned.

Dick Cheney set up a shadow government in the Vice President's office, answerable to no one. Todd Palin got his own phone and a conference table.

Dick Cheney had the Office of Special Plans cherry picking intelligence on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Todd Palin had pictures of Mike Wooten riding a snowmobile, even though Wooten claimed he had a bad back.

Dick Cheney said Iraq was an existential threat to America. Todd Palin said Mike Wooten was an existential threat to an improperly tagged moose.

Dick Cheney said Saddam Hussein had gassed his own people. Todd Palin said Mike Wooten had tasered his stepson.

And used steroids. And failed to pay a $5 fine for improperly disposing of rubbish. And sought to buy yellowcake from Niger. No, wait, that was the other guy.

In both cases, an absurd abuse of power was depicted as self-defense. Saddam's missiles could reach London. Mike Wooten had a car. And that was only the beginning.

Dick Cheney to Trent Lott:

"Saddam could put drone aircraft on a freighter, steam them across the Atlantic and use the route-planning software to dispatch lethal microbes anywhere from Miami to Boston."

Todd Palin to the Office of he Alaska Public Safety Commissioner:

Mike Wooten has beer in the trunk.

Sarah Palin's people wouldn't take no for an answer. They made 36 calls to anyone who'd listen to their evidence. They couldn't seem to understand why other people couldn't get it through their thick skulls that the executive should get whatever it wanted and besides their enemy was bad. Bush's people? Yeah ditto.

The law is a fine thing -- in most cases. But when you're faced with madmen like Mike Wooten, moderation is no virtue and the law is an ass. Evil must be defeated. Evildoers must be destroyed. Did I mention the moose?

Here's where the metaphor breaks down. The Palins, with Jesus in their hearts and shit between their toes, had their idiotic family vendetta and tried to turn it into a matter of state. Bush and Cheney had a war built on nothing but greed and pique and a lack of respect for human life. The Palins failed. Mike Wooten still has his job. Bush and Cheney succeeded, and hundreds of thousands of people are dead, and we paid to kill them.

See you in Chelm.

Comments

[priorato]

The piece was well written that's for sure. It's a strain to find a synergy here. There might be a certain part of the electorate that cannot see through Palin and therefore will vote for her, but anyone with a mind does not follow her logic; does not think her folksy way is endearing, and knows she lies and bends the truth for her political gain.

There is just no pedigree there and McCain is too old and volatile to NOT consider the possibility of him not being able to fulfill his term.

[CactusTom]

I slightly disagree, Chris. The Bush Cheney administration came to power with two primary agendas alright. One was to enrich their corporate friends though maximizing k-street’s ability to control business regulations. The other was to find a way to get rid of Saddam and return Iraq to an American client state status. That’s the real reason why we stayed around as occupiers. Cheney and his Neocon pals never had any plans to leave Iraq from day one.

[jaslyn]

agreed!

[3worldusa]

BINGO

[fred m]

Toes? Try ears.

My favorite dude phone call:

Calling the Secretary of State to try to move the state capital to Anchorage.

[sueno]

The title of this article says it all!
Americans are tired of dummies running this country-

[NotMcCain]

Why doesn't the broadcast MSM ever mention Todd Palin's membership in the Alaska Independence Party?

You just know if it were Michelle Obama who'd been a member, they'd be running the story 24/7 to underscore how the spouse hates America.

[RebelAlliance]

Rick Sanchez did mention it on CNN last week, but it didn't last long.

[sebiamo]

John McCain an ACORN supporter.

Has everybody seen the video of John McCain at an ACORN meeting in which he PRAISES the organization for the good work that they do in the community? It took place in 2006. He certainly sang a different tune back then, but that's probably because he was just feeling 'mavericky'.

ACORN is not the boogyman that the right wingers like to make it out to be. Hell, somebody's got to give a damn about helping poor people. The religious hypocrites now firmly in control of the Republican Party aren't about to. McCain at least showed up even if it was a politically motivated ploy for votes.

Go for it ACORN.

Sebiamo

[rock2casbah]

Well you say she did not flunk ot of college but Cheney did. Well next best thing in low achievement is going through 5 schools in 5 years in order to obtain a single undergrad degree. Not an advanced degree, I repeat, an undergrad degree.

Nop more low acheivers as the POTUS. That is the least in educational acheivement bars that should be required.

[Caddisfly]

A country of the petty and viscous, for the petty and visous, run in a petty and visous way. What are we as a nation thinking??? Funny as hell article, thanks for the chuckle.

[kimbari]

*vicious*

*sigh*

[TrooAmerican]

This is one Funny as Heck article!

[FirstShirt]

Do you mean the ex brother in law who tased his step son to see if he could take it? You mean that brother in law, the state cop? I guess you think that kind of abusive behavior to children is ok and shouldn't subject a cop to discipline if not outright firing?

[bknott]

That sounds like abuse to me, and he should've been reported to authorities and dealt with through the proper channels. However, the Palins wanted to leapfrog over the procedures and have him punished on her authority alone.

Considering the underhanded dealings that the Palins are both guilty of, how can you be sure that the taser incident wasn't all hearsay? They certainly seem capable of lying or making up stories out of nothing. Sarah has been showing off her skills for six weeks now.

[arrogantsob]

The taser wasn't loaded (charged, or set to fire) he showed the kid how the electodes come out. The kid received no shock. A half truth is still a lie. Get all the facts before you comment.

[kensp]

It was a practice taser and it was the kid's idea. It was still a dumb thing to do, but lets please get the facts right. Todd and Sarah knew all about it for a long time before they ever reported it. Do they think that abusive behavior to children is ok until they have an ulterior motive to report it? Perhaps you should ask them that question.

Oh and the trooper was disciplined for it. It is just that that the Palins weren't satisfied with justice and wanted vengeance against the man who dumped Sarah's poor sister. Is that seriously all you have?

[Martha12]

you mean the Governor who was found guilty of breaking state ethics law in attempting to have the trooper fired? allowed her husband to use her government paid staff and office to pursue Wooten?the governor who has a Kenyan witch doctor pray over her? the one that left Wasilla in MILLIONS of $ in debt?the same one who s husband belonged to a secessionist party, the one who spoke to them ,telling them to "keep up the good work"? THAT ANTI AMERICAN GOVERNOR AND HER ANTI AMERICAN HUSBAND? Well I guess by the same token FirstShirt, you think all that is OK too.

[Susej]

Todd is the Joe6pack Sarah married.

[TakeTheCanolis]

Fact check: It's true Cheney flunked out of Yale. But he later earned a B.A. and Master's degree at the University of Wyoming. See Wikipedia.

[jacobomorales]

isn't that as good as the Guadalajara Jr Junior College? Whoopy do! What a smart guy!

[TakeTheCanolis]

I read Wilki's entry on U of Wyoming. It looks like a decent university. Not Ivy League, but geared to the middle class with depth in many fields of study. Way above, say, Pat Robertson's Liberty University, where Bush selected his amateur Justice Department from. What Cheney did with his good education is entirely a different matter.

My original post is not aimed at any politician. I'm reacting to Kelly's writing. Good satire should be based on truth, not half-truth. Kelly didn't do his homework in researching this article.

[biased2]

"Bush and Cheney succeeded, and hundreds of thousands of people are dead, and we paid to kill them."
Sobering, sad truth. Glad to hear someone call it like it is though.

[CubanVoice]

SO TRUE!

[mzwednesday]

That was Hilarious powerful truth.
You are an amazing writer Chris Kelly!

[randy4sam]

Exactly which part is true?

[hannitysux]

You must be Todd's drinking buddy.

[cheesewiz]

Exactly which part isn't true?

[vernbvb]

I see Sarah Palin as a shill for Todd Palin. They wanted to secede from the U.S. So what better way than for Sarah to run for Governor and let Todd help her win favorability with Alaskans. Get Alaskans hyped up about all their oil, send them royalty checks, promise them more and win them over. They couldn't imagine that anything they did under cover of the Governor's Office could be wrong. So Sarah and Todd worked in the Governor's office together on their various agendas including personal ones. But the real plan seems to have been to garner support of Alaskans and eventually try to sell them on on Todd's party idea of secession. But a funny thing happened once they got to the Governor's Mansion. Sarah became star struck - quite by accident due to the legislators making her the face of their energy plan. Todd's plans had to be scrapped when Sarah was selected as McCain's VP choice. But Todd is still right there in the thick of things. Who knows what kinds of plans he has in mind for the Vice Presidency.

[biased2]

..."but a funny thing happened on the way to the Governor's Mansion"
I agree.