I hate a parade. So I probably won't go to this month's march around Washington, even though it promises to end the war, racism, colonialism and free Haiti from, I dunno, the Haitians, I guess. If you like urban legends, you should go, though. Because according to some tragic paranoids called Gathering of Eagles, this March 17th will be The Day The Vet Stopped The Hippie From Defacing The Vietnam Veterans Memorial.
It'll be fantastic, in the old sense of the word, meaning "made up."
So mark it on your calendar. I'll be burning a flag, blowing my mind on LSD and spitting on the troops at home. I can't get a babysitter, because the last one was killed by a maniac who was calling from right inside the house.
Gathering of Eagles (no, I'm not linking to their website, it makes me sad) have it in their heads that the entire march is just cover for an attack on the Wall. So they're going to Washington, too, to defend the feelings of an inanimate object that no one has threatened.
Here's Eagle Larry Bailey:
"We will protect the Vietnam Memorial. If they try to deface it, there will be some violence, I guarantee you."
Here's Freeper/shut-in C.J. Raven:
"If they spit on Iraqi veterans again, or throw paint on a war memorial... they will encounter a buzz saw of Vietnam veterans and supporters...."
Guys with paint fighting guys with a buzz saw? Cooool. It's like Home Improvement meets the freikorps. You wouldn't want to meet Larry Bailey and C.J. Raven in a dark alley. Or, come to think of it, anywhere else.
But how does Gathering of Eagles know about the spit/paint attack? I didn't get the memo, and there are a lot of liberals in my wiccan coven. So I checked the MarchonPentagon.org's website:
"We will not be in the Vietnam Memorial and all speakers for amplified sound are turned away from the Memorial so as not to interfere with family members visiting the site."
In other words: IT'S ON! If you don't have any spit, it'll be provided for you. Visit our refreshment tent for an abortion on demand.
Frankly, I don't know how you could read that and not see what they're planning. Maybe it's because you're not a mental defective.
Eagle Bud Gross can read between the lines, even if you can't:
"The anti-war/anti-America group cannot be allowed to use the Vietnam Memorial Wall as a back-drop to their anti-America venom and stain the hallowed ground that virtually cries out with blood at the thought of this proposed desecration ... it must not happen."
I'm with Bud. If there's one thing I hate more than a garbled pastiche of parroted cant, it's when someone gets venom on my back-drop. It makes me cry out with blood, a condition I should probably see someone about.
Russ Vaughn goes Bud Gross one better. He's written a song celebrating, with righteous anger, the memory of how he'll stop the thing that no one's planning. It goes a little something like this:
Look, boy, you're free to demonstrate,
March up and down this Mall;
But, son, I'm gonna set you straight,
You ain't gonna touch this Wall.
You can shout and scream all you want,
On all that we'll give you a pass;
But you try some Wall-defacing stunt,
And, son, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Let us make it clear, we've all come here
To defend our long-dead brothers;
And understand you ain't layin' a hand
On our Wall you leftie mothers.
Drag out that traitor, Hanoi Jane,
To screech at you pinks and commies,
And Cindy Sheehan to exploit her pain,
The Barnum of Gold Star Mommies.
And, son, you hear this loud and clear,
Don't even think about spittin'
Less you want that smart mouth busted here,
And believe me, we're not shittin'.
Because of you losers we lose our wars,
Our warriors are left to bleed,
Cause of Jane and Cindy, those media whores
With their camera-craving creed.
So follow these traitors, those loser bitches,
Let them lead you to your fall;
But I promise you, son, you're gonna need stitches,
You even get close to this Wall.
Ah, the poetry of strong emotion, recollected in tranquility. Notice (along with the challenging a/b/a/b rhyme scheme) the pervasive use of female imagery - "mothers," "mommies," "whores," "bitches." Is it a leitmotif, or does Russ Vaughn have trouble at home? You decide.
You can get it on a t-shirt if you want. It's only $29, and it comes with an illustration of a soldier facing down a figure in sandals and culottes. It might not be a woman, but I'm sort of guessing it is.
There's a lot of super cute clothes you can buy from Gathering of Eagles. Hats, hoodies, do-rags. I've got my eye on an armband, and it's only $5 (50 for $200, 100 for $350). It's got an eagle on it, in case you forget what kind of bird you are. It's one-size-fits-all. And, if history has taught us anything, it's that nothing can really pull a paramilitary group together like some nice armbands.
Nicht denken Sie? Jawohl.
In 1924, D.C. Stephenson, the Grand Dragon of Indiana's Ku Klux Klan, was disgraced in a scandal involving profits from the sale of Klan costumes and a violent hatred of women. Question: Why am I mentioning it now?
EXTRA EXTRA CREDIT
The actual word for a group of eagles isn't a "gathering," it's a "congress." You can see why they didn't choose that. And "Mews of Capons," while arguably more accurate, doesn't have quite enough zing.
What would be a better name for this group?