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Chris Krapek
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Chris Krapek is a writer who graduated from Northern Illinois University with a degree in journalism. He spent his days as a kid reading Roger Ebert’s Friday reviews in the Sun-Times. He loves pop culture, professional wrestling (but please, don’t tell anyone), and will watch any and all movies. Seriously, he’s seen Spy Kids 4.

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E-mail him at chriskrapek@gmail.com

Entries by Chris Krapek

Why Does No One Care About Arnold Schwarzenegger?

(3) Comments | Posted April 2, 2014 | 4:34 PM

Get to the FLOPper.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Sabotage opened to a terrible $5.2 million, making it (adjusted for inflation) the biggest box office bomb of his four-decade movie career.

In 2014, the man who was once one of the biggest movie stars in the world can no...

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Life Is Kind of Better Living Through Chemistry

(0) Comments | Posted March 21, 2014 | 6:13 PM

I love pills.

Well, maybe not the pill themselves, but the idea of them. Put one opaque morsel in your mouth and feel better. Depressed? Take a pill. Can't go to sleep? Take a pill. Got a bad ticker? Take a pill. Western medicine is inherently chill. We've got...

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Drinking Buddies Makes Me Want to Get Drunk

(1) Comments | Posted August 2, 2013 | 4:34 PM

Kanye West. Derrick Rose. Joe Swanberg.

At the moment, these are my three favorite Chicagoans.

One is reveling in the most polarizing time in his career, entering fatherhood and selling plain white T-shirts for $120. One is a former MVP, soon returning to the court to...

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Why Frances Ha Made Me Feel Better About Myself

(2) Comments | Posted June 13, 2013 | 11:37 AM

Frances doesn't have her shit figured out.

She's a 27-year-old dancer, overly reliant on her best friend, self-proclaimed as undateable, can barely pay rent, doesn't really have a "job" job and has no real grasp on her future.

Oh, how I envy her.

A film has never...

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"I Want To Die," And Other Thoughts On Scary Movie 5

(2) Comments | Posted April 18, 2013 | 6:54 PM

Zero laughs.

Scary Movie 5 has zero laughs. None. Nothing in this funny movie is funny. Not the spoofs. Not the slapstick. Not the sight gags. Absolutely nothing. It makes Bucky Larson look like a stunning achivement in film as an art form. It's 85 minutes long and feels...

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If Ethan Hawke and I Were Best Friends

(4) Comments | Posted October 15, 2012 | 5:43 PM

My entire life, I've wanted to be best friends with Ethan Hawke.

There's just something about him that seems super cool. Like, he isn't even trying to be cool either, he just is. He would be able to recommend all the important literature I've never read and would discuss...

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An Advanced Guide to Redbox Etiquette

(4) Comments | Posted October 2, 2012 | 3:54 PM

Sometimes, when I go to my local Redbox, I feel like I need to take Xanax.

Last week, on a super crisp Autumn day, I woke up and decided it would be in my best interest to drive to the gas station down the street and rent Katy Perry: Part...

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OMG, V/H/S Is WTF?!

(12) Comments | Posted September 5, 2012 | 7:37 PM

The found footage genre has become stale, like, bread-in-the-dumpster-behind-the-bakery stale, man.

The Paranormal Activity franchise keeps lazily offering its annual outing, scaring teenagers with oscillating fans and various household appliances. Project X was a hellish cesspool of highschoolers getting hella wasted while dubstep reverberated in the background, destroying the souls...

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Loving/Hating the Women in Bachelorette

(0) Comments | Posted August 15, 2012 | 10:41 AM

After all of the cocaine has been snorted and dance parties have subsided, at the end of Bachelorette, I wasn't sure whether I really loved every character, or really, really hated every character.

I believe, in some cases (and especially here), that's a good thing. There's a pleasure in...

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Are We Scared to Go the Movies (Or Do They Just Suck)?

(0) Comments | Posted August 8, 2012 | 1:41 PM

Are we scared to go back to the movies?

It's been nearly three weeks since the deeply troubling tragedy at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. The box office has been weak ever since. Is there a correlation to be made here, or is it just a matter of...

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Jesse Eisenberg and Tracy Morgan Get Extra Quirky in Why Stop Now

(0) Comments | Posted July 17, 2012 | 11:20 AM

You are quirky. T.G.I. Friday's is quirky. Carly Rae Jepsen's annunciation in Call Me Maybe is quirky.

But when does quirk go from cute to making you dry heave?

Why Stop Now answers this question by intravenously injecting you with more peculiarities than Wes Anderson's brain on acid....

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Piranha 3DD: The Bigger the Bust Size, the Bigger the Bust

(5) Comments | Posted June 15, 2012 | 6:26 PM

It's been over a week since I regrettably rented Piranha 3DD On-Demand and I still can't shake it.

I think I was one of, like, 2,000 people in the Universe who was kind of stoked for a sequel of the 2010 creature feature Piranha 3D. That movie was special...

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Penises Make Me Laugh

(30) Comments | Posted May 25, 2012 | 10:35 AM

I have a penis.

After several careful calculations, I think I've roughly seen it a few millions times in my life. I've never considered it to be that humorous. Penises, out of context, aren't inherently funny, are they? Situational penises can be funny, I guess. Shrinkage, sexual malfunction, size...

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The Scene-Stealer In The Avengers Is... Cobie Smulders?

(38) Comments | Posted May 9, 2012 | 6:53 PM

If you haven't seen The Avengers yet, what, do you not like America or something?

If you have seen the movie, I'd imagine afterwards you had a discussion face-to-face, on a Facebook status or through tweets regarding who you thought stole the show. Did you like Robert Downey Jr.'s sarcastic...

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Jenna Fischer Falls for a Robot in The Giant Mechanical Man

(0) Comments | Posted April 25, 2012 | 6:06 PM

If we could do it all over again, I wish Jenna Fischer was never on The Office.

I wish she won't be forever remembered as Pam Beesly-Halpert. I wish my mind wouldn't always associate her with the color beige and sweaters a crotchety old librarian would wear.

Instead, I...

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Seth MacFarlane's Fetish Continues With Ted

(152) Comments | Posted April 4, 2012 | 5:38 PM

Seth MacFarlane has a fetish.

The creator of Family Guy, American Dad and The Cleveland Show REALLY digs it when he has a non-human character interact with human characters by speaking the English language. Do you get it? It's funny because dogs, aliens and bears aren't supposed to be...

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A Solution to the Bully R-Rating Controversy: Let It Go Viral

(4) Comments | Posted March 27, 2012 | 12:55 PM

Are a few f-words worse than teenagers murdering each other?

If you are sane, I would hope you would answer "no." But alas, the controversy last week stems from the Motion Picture Association of America granting an R-rating to the anti-bullying documentary Bully for a few f-words,...

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Mumblebore: Jeff, Who Lives At Home Is an Existential Farce

(2) Comments | Posted March 22, 2012 | 12:35 PM

As a great admirer of mumblecore stalwarts the Duplass brothers, it pains me to say that I hated their new film, Jeff, Who Loves At Home.

At a brief 83 minutes, their fourth film is laborious and elicited many checks of the clock on my cell phone. It's exhausting....

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Party In The USA: Project X Exacerbates Lowbrow Party Culture

(2) Comments | Posted March 8, 2012 | 12:04 PM

Approaching my mid-20s, I feel like I must now exit the culture of partying.

I've been there, I've done that, I've seen it all. Years removed from high school, I romanticize all those moments of teenage naivety; dodging authority and projectile vomiting Everclear. Some of the best memories of my...

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Chicago Actor, Comedian Predicts the Oscars

(2) Comments | Posted February 24, 2012 | 5:21 PM

His movies have grossed more than $1 billion at the worldwide box office. He's seemingly been on every single comedic TV show in the last 10 years. He's a co-founder of one of the most prolific improv and sketch comedy troupes of our time, the Upright Citizens Brigade.

He is...

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