Zero laughs.

Scary Movie 5 has zero laughs. None. Nothing in this funny movie is funny. Not the spoofs. Not the slapstick. Not the sight gags. Absolutely nothing. It makes Bucky Larson look like a stunning achivement in film as an art form. It's 85 minutes long and feels...

My entire life, I've wanted to be best friends with Ethan Hawke.

There's just something about him that seems super cool. Like, he isn't even trying to be cool either, he just is. He would be able to recommend all the important literature I've never read and would discuss...

Sometimes, when I go to my local Redbox, I feel like I need to take Xanax.

Last week, on a super crisp Autumn day, I woke up and decided it would be in my best interest to drive to the gas station down the street and rent Katy Perry: Part...

The found footage genre has become stale, like, bread-in-the-dumpster-behind-the-bakery stale, man.

The Paranormal Activity franchise keeps lazily offering its annual outing, scaring teenagers with oscillating fans and various household appliances. Project X was a hellish cesspool of highschoolers getting hella wasted while dubstep reverberated in the background, destroying the souls...

After all of the cocaine has been snorted and dance parties have subsided, at the end of Bachelorette, I wasn't sure whether I really loved every character, or really, really hated every character.

I believe, in some cases (and especially here), that's a good thing. There's a pleasure in...

Are we scared to go back to the movies?

It's been nearly three weeks since the deeply troubling tragedy at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. The box office has been weak ever since. Is there a correlation to be made here, or is it just a matter of...

You are quirky. T.G.I. Friday's is quirky. Carly Rae Jepsen's annunciation in Call Me Maybe is quirky.

But when does quirk go from cute to making you dry heave?

Why Stop Now answers this question by intravenously injecting you with more peculiarities than Wes Anderson's brain on acid....

It's been over a week since I regrettably rented Piranha 3DD On-Demand and I still can't shake it.

I think I was one of, like, 2,000 people in the Universe who was kind of stoked for a sequel of the 2010 creature feature Piranha 3D. That movie was special...

I have a penis.

After several careful calculations, I think I've roughly seen it a few millions times in my life. I've never considered it to be that humorous. Penises, out of context, aren't inherently funny, are they? Situational penises can be funny, I guess. Shrinkage, sexual malfunction, size...

If you haven't seen The Avengers yet, what, do you not like America or something?

If you have seen the movie, I'd imagine afterwards you had a discussion face-to-face, on a Facebook status or through tweets regarding who you thought stole the show. Did you like Robert Downey Jr.'s sarcastic...

If we could do it all over again, I wish Jenna Fischer was never on The Office.

I wish she won't be forever remembered as Pam Beesly-Halpert. I wish my mind wouldn't always associate her with the color beige and sweaters a crotchety old librarian would wear.

Instead, I...

Seth MacFarlane has a fetish.

The creator of Family Guy, American Dad and The Cleveland Show REALLY digs it when he has a non-human character interact with human characters by speaking the English language. Do you get it? It's funny because dogs, aliens and bears aren't supposed to be...

Are a few f-words worse than teenagers murdering each other?

If you are sane, I would hope you would answer "no." But alas, the controversy last week stems from the Motion Picture Association of America granting an R-rating to the anti-bullying documentary Bully for a few f-words,...

As a great admirer of mumblecore stalwarts the Duplass brothers, it pains me to say that I hated their new film, Jeff, Who Loves At Home.

At a brief 83 minutes, their fourth film is laborious and elicited many checks of the clock on my cell phone. It's exhausting....

Approaching my mid-20s, I feel like I must now exit the culture of partying.

I've been there, I've done that, I've seen it all. Years removed from high school, I romanticize all those moments of teenage naivety; dodging authority and projectile vomiting Everclear. Some of the best memories of my...

His movies have grossed more than $1 billion at the worldwide box office. He's seemingly been on every single comedic TV show in the last 10 years. He's a co-founder of one of the most prolific improv and sketch comedy troupes of our time, the Upright Citizens Brigade.

He is...

We are living in a world where Martin Lawrence, in a fat suit and playing an old woman, made a better film than one that is nominated for Best Picture.

It's not hyperbole when I make the proclamation that Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son is a superior piece of...

Dear Denzel Washington,

This weekend, I saw your latest movie Safe House. I was sandwiched in the theater between a crying baby and two chatty Kathys, but I managed to survive and enjoy your action flick set all around South Africa. Your performance as a rogue agent with the...

The Windy City has been been the backdrop for some of the most iconic movie moments of all time.

Who can forget Ferris Bueller taking in a Cubs game, Michael Bay destroying Michigan Avenue in Transformers: Dark Of The Moon, or John Cusack recalling past loves walking through Wicker...

I don't know if I can properly articulate why I love the comedy of Tim Heidecker and Eric Warheim.

The duo, best known for their shows on Adult Swim like Tom Goes To The Mayor and Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, are more polarizing than Newt Gingrich...