04/05/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Newest Birthers Claim Obama Never Even Born at All

WASHINGTON -- The terrifying possibility of the first not-completely-White President of the United States during the 2008 primaries last year urgently prompted many Americans to replace their pointy hats with thinking caps. "Birthers," as the fringe conspiracy theorists came to be known, alleged that because then-Senator Barack Obama had the blatant misfortune of being born bi-racial, fathered by a Black man whose last name wasn't Jefferson or Jackson, the Senator was clearly ineligible to be President of the United States.

While united by a passion to discredit the legitimacy of a non-White who not only learned to read but who later went on to become president the Harvard Law Review, the Birthers were nevertheless fragmented in deciding just how exactly Obama couldn't be president.

Many speculated that the Hawaiian birth certificate released by the Obama campaign had been falsified and that Obama was in fact Kenyan or Indonesian, while others without internet access or running water still demanded for the release of any documents at all. The Birther movement was thought to be a non-issue until this past week when conservative editorial website WorldNetDaily alleged that not only was President Barack Obama not a natural-born citizen, but that the President had never been born at all.

"What we're trying to do is educate the American people," staff reporter Jerome Corsi said in an interview last Tuesday. "We've all seen the White House be completely destroyed by alien spaceships in convincing detail; I'm pretty sure they can make a man walk across the lawn and get in a helicopter."

"I'm not saying I agree or disagree," said WorldNetDaily founder Joseph Farah. "But has anyone ever met Obama in real life, or isn't all we see of the President just through television and print?"

Conservative radio and television host Glenn Beck discussed the topic on the Fox News Channel yesterday: "America, this is how short-sighted Progressives really are. If you're going to hijack the country with some fictional president, why would you even run the risk of arousing people's suspicions by making him Black?" Mr. Beck rubbed his temples before continuing: "Just look at Senator John McCain. Now, unlike Obama, he's an actual human being -- I've shook hands with him; he's a wonderful man -- and Senator McCain was just a few percentage points away from being the forty-fourth President of the United States, and Senator John McCain really wasn't born in this country. But we never would've thought to even ask. I mean, would you? I know I wouldn't have. And honestly, that's where the Obama campaign seriously messed up."

The White House says President Obama now plans to take a break from solving America's financial crisis to tour the country, stopping at shopping malls and park-n-swaps across all fifty states to shake hands with any skeptical citizens. "We're really crossing our fingers this does the trick and we can all get back to running the country," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Knock on wood."

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