A word often leveled against transgender people is "selfish" -- selfish for desiring to change our appearance through medical means in order to more closely align our physical appearance with our self-identification of gender. Webster's dictionary defines "selfish" as "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others." By definition, the transition process is then a selfish act, although being transgender is not inherently selfish. A case could be made that people who smoke, eat fast food, drink alcohol, take recreational drugs, or even lie around the house every day watching television are also being selfish. These actions diminish health and life expectancy, thereby depriving family and friends of a longer, happier, and healthier life with the person indulging in them.
All of humanity is selfish. How else could we have evolved and developed from a single-cell organism had we not at times been selfish when it came to our own growth and development? When it comes to transgender people, though, a broader view demonstrates that it is not the one particular act of transition that is viewed as selfish but rather the sum of our choices. As in the example of the fast-food junkie, the smoker, or the coach potato, a single act is not viewed as selfish unless done to excess. Therefore, the more pertinent question is whether the person in transition should be viewed more as self-centered than as selfish.
The first 18 to 24 months of transition for the transgender person can be an awkward period in terms of physical appearance, a period very similar to puberty. It is during this time that a self-centered person in transition might fail to take into consideration allowing time for his or her family and friends to adjust to and accept this new exterior. It is common for people in transition to feel as if they have finally exited the cave, and now that they have accepted themselves, they want the world to accept them now. But just as it takes transgender people years to accept themselves, they must also allow a reasonable period of time for family and friends to adjust. Expecting anything else can be very self-centered and selfish.
The transition process for a transgender person is a very isolating time, but it is also a time of discoveries regarding oneself and one's relationship with other people. The human condition is to resist change, to fight the correct course of action one knows must be taken -- that is, until the pain of not changing is greater than the fear of making that change. It is at this tipping point that a transgender person's pain of not being his or her real self is greater than the fear of change, and the fear of losing everyone and everything, including family, friends, employment, acceptance by society, etc. It is very common for family and friends to turn their backs on transgender people, thereby leaving us isolated and alone.
Often, people in transition contemplate whether we have done the right thing, and we are at a much higher risk of suicide during this phase. Our traditional support system is gone, and we feel we have nowhere to turn. Those who do reject the transitioning person often feel that the decision to transition was selfish. But could it not be said that the person rejecting the transitioning transgender person is actually the selfish one, concerned more with how society will view them for being associated with the person in transition than with the mental and physical health of the person they once called family or friend?
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It was for me. Transition improved my life drantically. Maybe you think hormones are just physical? They're not; they also have a profound mental effect. I can remember at my first appointment with my endo he asked me what I was looking for, physical or mental results and I said "Both" and got them. It's clear to me that my brain was made to run on estrogen. I've heard the same story from lots of other transsexual people.
I needed surgery. After my surgery, for all the little inconveniences and discomforts--nothing's perfect--I'm just immensely more comfortable. The worry and the nagging ache are gone. Do I have gripes about my body? Yep. But they're ordinary gripes any 40 year old woman might have. My chest's too flat and my hips are too wide. But now, for the first time, they feel like MY chest and MY hips.
The question isn't whether it's necessary for someone, the question is whether it's necessary for YOU. We walk this path together, but for each of us it's our own path. I wish you luck and safety on yours.
People who say it is selfish think transsexualism is a choice; it's not.
Transition is life-saving treatment for transsexual people.
Doing something out of self-preservation is not being selfish.
I have been called this so many time that it is a very very sore spot for me. YES I am selfish! I am looking out for number 1. The world had my life for the first half ( and it almost killed me). Now it is my turn, I am in control of my destiny. Should I ever loose sight of my dreams, get the pine box ready.
Thanks for this article. I hope it helps someone wrestling with the label of being selfish.
"without regard for others"
First, I thought about its effect on others quite a bit. Second, if I hate myself so much that at worst I hurt myself, or at least, continue to live a dissipative, self-neglectful life, how can I be any kind of positive force in the lives of other people?
No, for trans folk, transition is part of what Max Weber called "self-actualization".
Self-centered selfish
This article demonstrates that cissexism permeates our culture such that we are dominated by the supremacy of cissexual demands and we cannot but frame arguments within that destructively normative system. The language of a cissexist society is insufficient to meet the semantic needs of trans realities. It is not incumbent upon trans people to perpetuate cissexist norms.
"The only reason why we worry about whether or not being homosexual or transsexual, or being in any other way in conflict with the normative strictures of sex and gender, constitutes a so-called “lifestyle choice” is because kyriarchal cultural standards dictate the semantic framework of our communications. Choice is a fundamental human right, and even within the frame of reference delineated by kyriarchy, should be recognised as irrefutably valid when applied to self-identity. We choose, and live by, the words which are available to us, and we both embody and imbue their meaning, but the constructs by which we communicate are by no means an all-encompassing description of the reality of our Existence. Be true to your choices, and hinder not the choices of others concerning their rightful spheres." - Gemma Seymour-Amper, 14 February 2012
Family and friends do not have a right to be selfish with my sense of self nor do I have a right to be selfish with theirs. I have been accused of being selfish by family because they say I have not given them the time they need to adjust. Well its been nearly four years and they still refuse to talk with me about who I am. How much time does a person need? Can a person come to an understanding when they avoid the situation? Who's being selfish the person in transition or the ones that have walked away from the person in transition?
I was born male and I like being a man. I like the way I feel, my size and strength and the *sense* of being a man . It is absolutely the *right* thing for me. That's why it's so easy to empathize with someone who wants to make his or her physical nature more closely align to his or her vision of self.
If I were biologically female, but feel the way I do right now, I would do what it took to make my body match my inner self. And by extension, there have to be women who truly enjoy and glory in being women, they wouldn't want to be anything else. And if someone's inner self is that of a woman, but she is biologically male, why should she not align herself more closely with her feminine nature?
Life is very short, and if you have a chance to be happy, then be happy. This is not selfish. Happy people want other people to be happy, too, and take steps to help others.
One aspect is in regarding what area are we being selfish. If it's about choosing between buying a fishing boat and getting the wife a newer van (because the old one keeps breaking down) then yes that is PURE selfishness in the worse way.
The optional fishing boat, flasher car, bigger screen TV or new clothes is being selfish by fulfilling a DESIRE rather than a NEED. And when one puts one's personal desires ABOVE the needs of others who are close to you, then that is the negative side of selfishness.
Cisgender people often have a hard time grasping the deep and strong "need" for transition, and the level of discontent, angush and pain to continue without major correction. They will often argue that such feeling are selfish, and are more about a fleeting desire than a true deep-seated need. Without the empathy of others, the gender conflict may be impossible to accept.
So in the pre-transition stage, and early stages, it's critical to communicate the level of strong need to transition. And that it's not some whim, temporary imbalance, or misdirected focus in life.
Sometimes a third party unbaised person or professional can help communicate this aspect better than the transitioning person can themselves, as the natural instinct is for others to automatically deny or fight the reasoning for a gender transition when the transgender person speaks of it, and may get an angry backlash.